hi guys and girls! here is my problem. I have been with my boyfriend for almost half a year. in the first month I caught that he kept contacting with his ex who has already gone back to her country. The conversation was quite intimate like I love you always,i miss you and I will go to xxxx to find you... and we argued about this for three times and finally he told me that the reason why he did it is because he is not sure if I really want a relationship with him as I am the best girl he has ever met.( well not to be arrogate, I am sure I the best girl in his life so far Because all his ex were quite unusual.) so he didn't want to lose both of us if I decide to break up one day. about his ex, she is transexual! He was with her just because at that time e come to london alone for work and had no friend at all. plus he doesn't drink or smoke so it made him harder to meet new people. although he lives in his brothers house but he just doesn't want to depend on his family anymore. and his ex was the first people who cared about him and has no relation with his family. that's why he chose to be with her but more as friends not love. and those intimate words are just to make her happy as he doesn't want to upset her.He cried and stood on his knees asking me to forgive and gave me his Facebook password. After that in next four months we spent the best summer together. But just last week we had a big argument and I said something quite hurtful so he thought I seriously want to break up with him this time. we didn't meet for ten days and hardly texted. and one day when I checked his Facebook I found out he and her ex are friends with each other again on Facebook. I can't handle it Because it means the last several months were a lie. so I called him and asked him why and lost my control on the phone. that night he rushed to my house after work. I was quite surprised as I thought we were really over after that call. He said he thought I don't care if we break up at all Because I said our relationship is meaningless. so he thought I was a player. and why he added his ex is because she added him months ago but he didn't accepted it till last week we broke up. Anyway just blah blah blah... so we went back together. But! two days ago I just want to see what he said to his ex on Facebook but I saw AGAIN those I missed you and I want to live with you'! I was totally freak out! evenmore that girl knows me and he told her he was with me just for fun.! and they even plan to meet again on Christmas. I punched him and yelled at him and just out of my mind. He kept saying sorry sorry I didn't mean it .. I am a big liar ... I asked why! why... he said he didn't want to tell me but just want t me to trust him that all the things between us is true and the words he said to her are just a lie. of course I couldn't buy it! so finally he said he want to use her because she has a friend who has empty bedroom and might give him a cheaper rent move in as he just doesn't want to sleep
He contacted his transexual ex because he is afraid of losing me?
What Guys Said 2
This is an unhealthy relationship.
a healthy relationship shouldn't...
- require one person having access to a person's personal info so they can 'check up' on them. you shouldn't be in a relationship where you feel a need to do that and he shouldn't want to constantly have to reaffirm you of his feelings
He sounds insecure and thus he is always going to try and keep his options open with this ex particularly during bad or stressed moments with you because he needs to constantly reaffirm that he is cared for and will have someone to care for him if you dump him.
I honestly rarely suggest breaking up but your relationship sounds volatile and unstable. I think you really need to evaluate what about this guy is worth going through all this stuff. Why you should accept (AT ALL) him telling another girl that he loves her and is going to go see her and all that b.s. because to me that is a 100% relationship deal breaker.
I don't think you should trust him as he has done absolutely nothing to give you reason to trust him. he was telling his ex when you two first got together that he loves her and he is still doing the same thing...that isn't good
"he is not sure if I really want a relationship with him"
So he's insecure about you, and afraid to commit to you in case you dump him.
His solution to this... endanger the relationship and make you dump him.
That makes no sense.
"I said something quite hurtful " "we didn't meet for ten days and hardly texted"
" I found out he and her ex are friends with each other again"
Of course. He was thinking you had broken up with him, so he was reaching out to his ex.
" I can't handle it Because it means the last several months were a lie."
No it doesn't. Now you're being irrational. The previous months were not a lie. Its just that he thought you had broken up. After all, YOU had something very hurtful and then gone silent.
This is your fault, so far.
"I called him and asked him why and lost my control on the phone."
You're not helping things.
" I said our relationship is meaningless"
Yeah, you're really not helping.
" he thought I was a player."
I'm not surprised.
" two days ago I just want to see what he said to his ex on Facebook but I saw AGAIN those I missed you and I want to live with you'! I was totally freak out"
Because he doesn't trust you. He still thinks you're on the verge of dumping him (and he's probably right). If you want him to cut ties with his ex, you have to show him that you're in this relationship with him, and not just standing with one foot already out of the door.
" I punched him and yelled at him"
Well I'd have dumped you for that. He didn't.
The simple truth here is one that you don't want to listen to - you treat your boyfriend like shit, and always seem to be on the verge of dumping him. You let him think he is dumped, you let him think the relationship is over, and then you freak out when he acts like the relationship is over.
You make no effort to earn his trust or calm his fears or insecurities - and you physically hit him.
He'd obviously be better off with the transsexual, and if you are honestly the best girl in his life, then I pity him.
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