Have I devalued myself?

Long story short.

Met a guy, dated him, he was the one initiating everything then suddenly he turned round and told me he still hadn't gotten over his ex and thought she might possibly be open to getting back together, he couldn't pass up that chance with someone he already loved to be with me and possibly lose her for that reason.

i was very upset but as he was going through personal things at this time too, I decided to be there for him as a friend, and we also discussed possibly trying again later down the line.

Now I'm beginning to think what an idiot I am. I don't want to hang on being friends with someone, with a SLIGHT chance we may try again for something more one day... I don't want to be someone's second choice. And I really like this guy- REALLY like him.

his friends keep contacting me, saying that he's being stupid, chasing someone who clearly didn;t want him, when he has the chance to be with someone who does. They (and I) are scared he's going to get hurt.

Anyway, basically I want to know- should I cut contact with him for a while and let him know I am doing so? as I feel a little as if he needs a kick up the bum a little - at the moment he is having his cake and eating it- living in delerious hope that his "true love" will come back, and the other girl he really likes, although he left her, is still there to listen to and support him- kind of waiting in the wings. I feel like I've kind of enabled him to have these delusions in a way; and as a result have devalued myself.

?


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65

Most Helpful Guy

  • Cut your losses and move on at once, if you want to be valued.

    He has history and connection with his ex. He is also in-love with her, which should have instantly prompted you to eliminate the option and/or the discussion of dating you entirely, or, at the very least, until he is completely over her, which should be a lengthy process, by estimation, given his level of ambition to be with her.

    Furthermore, if you continue to befriend him and offer your support, you may ultimately be setting yourself up future heartache. Sure, he'll get the comfort he needs from you, but you, on the hand, will be torn if he returns to her.

    I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but, where there is smoke, there is fire. If he does reconcile with her, he will likely end the current friendship has with you or drastically decrease the communication between you two

    As you can see, staying in frequent contact with him under the present circumstances is a risk that you should not be willing to take.

    You must take all-encompassing approach to protecting yourself. You can always consider revisiting dating him when conditions are ideal for you both.

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What Guys Said 4

  • You definitely do not want to be a back-up. I'll be blunt and basically tell you that he's just using you to feel his void of lonliness and/or give him some sexy time. If things don't work with her and he just runs back into your arms then you are obviously there "just in case"

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  • I think you did a good job assessing your own situation.

    Now that things have progressed as far as they have, I'm not sure how many options you have and there is another woman in the picture now which will add complexity.

    Perhaps at the time before he made his decision to go back to her, you could of told him that while he may be having his only chance with her, he is also having his only chance with you. If he walks then so do you and getting back together won't be an option. Why is this reasonable, you might ask? I think it is reasonable because you don't want to be with someone who's heart yearns for another and since you'll never be HER because you are YOU, then why should you be with a guy who loves a type of woman like HER and not YOU. So I think it is a fair ultimatum, because its a decision he has to make, not just about which woman, but what flavor he is going to go with too. In a way by enabling him, you denied him that choice.

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  • The better part of you wants to be there for him and I applaud that. However, since you obviously want more out of the relationship has become, are you truly going to give him good advice?

    I would not cut the cord, just not grab the connecting cord between you two strongly until he figures out what he truly wants. Make yourself unavailable or delay your responses to him. You can busy yourself with other things.

    He obviously cares for you, but you are clearly being hurt by him. Who knows, maybe this will be what you joke about as a temporary insane period for him before he woke up and saw you clearly for what you are.

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  • You can just be friends with him. Nothing more.

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What Girls Said 6

  • Oh, I did that once too. I loved him too much to let him go and put myself in a situation where I accepted anything from him. Put it this way- she dumped him the second time and the two of you are together again. Do you want to have by your side a man who will leave you hanging every time he just isn't sure? The key point is- could you trust him? If the answer is no just cut the connections and go forward. Can't tell you ull b happy. I cut the connections with another guy since I didn't want to repeat my previous mistake. It was the guy I ADORED but I cut it off because his mom told him that we should slow down since "i am too serious and will cut his connections with friends anddfamily" (nonsense). I didn't want a guy who lets his mom control our lives and told him that I don't accept that. I cut it off. I saw him with another girlfriend (who is obviously good for his mom or plays by her rules) and I'm still single. Is that nice? NO. Do I feel good? NO. But I didn't lose myself and DIDNT LET MYSELF DOWN. And if you want to continue playing his way and lose yourself at least get a good price. Don't sell cheap. Good juck.

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  • You need to cut him off for good. He's made it clear you're 2nd best and in his eyes you will always be 2nd best. How could you be with someone who thought that of you?

    You deserve better and will get someone better than that loser!

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  • . I don't blame you for not wanting to wait and be his second choice, in fact that's pretty smart. But I don't think its an issue of devaluing yourself, its more like what role you're willing to play in this mans life. Being the comforting friend doesn't necessarily make you less valuable as a person, but clearly that's also not the role you want.

    I would distance myself from him, and let him know you're doing it so he doesn't wonder why his friend suddenly isn't there like she used to be. You don't have to cut all contact unless you're going for the all or nothing approach and can't have him as just a friend. But don't be close or intimate with him, or be there for him emotionally while he's chasing his ex.

    also keep in mind this ex may still be a problem even if you 2 become bf/gf. Anything short of cutting all contact from her would be a huge warning sign.

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  • I think you should move on

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  • hard situation. I wouldn't be able to cut contact if I really like the guy.

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  • Sounds more or less like something I went through not too long ago. Guy was hooked on his ex, yet told me there was a spark between us but he just wasn't ready. Naive as I was I decided to wait for him, but in vain. I cut all contact with him without saying a word. I thought he was an asshole for leading me on like that - saying that there was something between us when clearly he was still drooling after his ex like a moron.

    You should cut contact, and not tell him that you're doing so. If you tell him, he'll probably beg for you to stay and say all the right things, fooling you into staying if you aren't strong enough to leave. And if you go quietly, he'll most likely not even notice because he's too focused worrying about his ex. That's what my guy did anyway.

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    • I'd also like to add that the more you stay by his side, the more you're devaluing yourself. If he can't see how great you are, it's really his loss. If he can't get over his ex and the past, it's his loss. You deserve someone who's ready to make you their number 1.

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