How to handle my ex-husband?

Me and my husband are separated (not legally) and there is no plans in the future to reconcile. We have a 15 month old son together, he goes to school full time, and contributes when he cans to pampers and food, but I don’t pressure him for anything because I know he doesn’t have it and that he is focused on school. For the most part we get along. My problem is I’m now seeing someone seriously and my husband has found out via FB because one of his family members pointed it out, now he is acting like he has a say on who I’m with and who I bring around our child. Saying he wants to be there when I introduce our son to my boyfriend. Popping up all times of the night and day without calling like he is trying to see if my new boyfriend is there. I don’t know what to do. I want my son to have a relationship with his father but I don’t know how to go about setting up some rule and boundaries as to not upset my ex-husband. I don’t want him back were not good with each other. Any advice on how to handle this. Me and my new boyfriend are talking moving in with each other soon.
I love how everyone is so judgmental, you don’t see how controlling he is how he shows up at my house ( he doesn’t live there) any time he wants without calling, we having been together since our son has been born. He left and moved to NY then moved back to go back to school and be closer to his son. I’m not trying to make him out to be a bad guy because he is not we just weren’t meant to be together but now we have this beautiful child together


Most Helpful Girl

  • I went through a similar scenario with my "now divorced" husband, but at the time, we were actually LIVING together when obtaining our divorce. I had my BIG bouts of problems with him while "separated"(call it what you may)and at he time, I was seeing someone on Facebook, and because of him, is why I had finally decided to divorce my husband. He controlled me in some ways, harassed me in others, and I didn't have another place to go because I could not afford to at the time. Bottom line is, although you both share a son together, and I assume you are not living together, YOU ARE going to have to set some boundaries with hubby or you will never have a life. I realize THAT in itself will be tough, but do it as diplomatic as you possibly can, because if you know him, like I knew my ex, it is like trying to keep a bubbling pot from boiling over...And even after you divorce, he will always think he has reins on you because of your son---and because he still thinks and always will, that you are still his "wife." My advice to you, for NOW, until you can afford a lawyer and make everything legal(and hopefully he complies..I had to do everything with kid gloves, and it wasn't easy, believe me!), is don't prance your new beau around like a show room pony, and whatever you do, DO NOT move in with him until everything is made legal, or your "hot headed hubby" will NEVER comply with anything but taking you to court to get custody of your son because he will try to prove you are an unfit mother and a whore(Remember, you are not even legally separated so in essence, you are still his wife). Things could escalate and get mighty ugly. Keep PRIVATE as much as you possibly can from him with your new found relationship "as to not upset him. " Why add fuel to the fire if you don't need to. Play it cool, don't be a fool. You also have to think of your son. In the meantime, if you ever want a future and some kind of life, make things legal as soon as you can, or your life will be made a living hell. It will be more of a reality to him if you get everything down on paper, and after awhile he will realize he doesn't "own" you anymore, and only has legal rights to your son---not to you. Good luck, sweetie.

    • VERY good advice. Your question identifies your husband as your ex even though the two of you are not even legally separtated. Introducing a boyfriend into the mix is understandable, but not the best move. Having it posted on FB for the world to see, however it got there...not smart. I'm also married, with kids, living apart from my wife & kids, not legally separated. Like your husband my wife is very controlling, plus conniving. I keep things as private as possible. Attorneys can be ruthless.

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What Guys Said 3

  • What ages are we talking abou here? You state in your profile that you're between 36 and 45, but that your ex-husband is attending school full time? How old are you really? That would influence my answer a great deal.

    • im 37 he is 28 and he decided to go back to school full time last year

  • Are you legally married? Then you need to get a legal divorce. I can't believe you're jumping to another guy so quickly.

    • we have not been together since our son was born wish has been almost two years, I held off on filing for divorce for personal reason to help my husband out. if it was up to me I would have filed already but I'm helping him out

  • If you're still married, you can't really tell him off like that.

    Firstly, get a divorce, so the time he can spend with his son is clearly defined.

    And regarding the new guy, if he learnt about him by chance, no wonder he's angry.


What Girls Said 2

  • I am confused with the age and school thing too

    as a father he has a right to know who his child is with I would imagine. I am not saying he should be able to dictate to you but some sort of involvement is natural especially since the child is so young.

    and if you are still married and now talking already about moving in as a parent myself I would be rather worried to be quite honest with you.

    what about sorting out your separation from your husband and the parental duties first before moving in with the next guy? In my opinion that is just asking for trouble as these situations by there nature are already difficult enough when children are involved and there has to be a civil link between you and your ex for the next 18 years...

  • he's controlling, and only because you have a child together he feels your not going anywhere, because you let him get away with a lot. He's the father, NO EXCUSES for him!

    He knows how to make a child, he will figure out how to a responsible father, if he chooses too... you can't make up excuses for him for not doing his part as a father such as; he has school to focus on?

    SO WHAT! He also has a child that should be his priority, and if you let him get away with it, its your fault for not letting him figure out how to be a better father...that his mother and father apparently failed in that area. YOUR NOT HIS MOTHER.

    Don't allow him to be controlling, this is YOUR life...NOT his. He don't pay your house bills, your not an item anymore.

    Put your foot down, and apply YOUR rules to him...otherwise; have it written legally. Then he will have ONE choice.. the courts way.

    I speak from experience, the only ones that suffer are the kids.


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