He had a four year affair when he was married...trust him?

The guy I've been seeing since July has been divorced for over a year & was very detailed in the telling of how his ex wife was having an affair with a 22 year-old (she is 34) which he found out about. On Sunday he revealed to me HE too had been having an affair during the last four years of the marriage. The other woman was their "close friend" & was present for the birth of their youngest child, their kids played together, etc.

My reaction was complete shock which quickly turned to anger.

He says he told me all this to be completely honest ( he said he hasn't told anyone but me, he only told people his wife was the cheater) because he is in love with me & wants a future with me. I am conflicted, apprehensive & realizing that what he did says so much about his character. He did cheat but he did tell me the truth. I am torn. Should I give this person the benefit of the doubt? Advice from both genders is what I want, but I'll take whatever I can get! Thanks


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Most Helpful Girl

  • I wouldn't trust him and I think you're right to feel conflicted and not trust him.

    I have a friend right now, and for as long as I have known her, she has never been faithful to any of her bfs. She is happy in a relationship now, loves her boyfriend and him her, and they plan on getting engaged etc. She cheated on her ex-bf to be with her current boyfriend. Well guess what she has been up to lately... I have no idea why she does it, but she does. She is a master manipulator because she even told her boyfriend about "the guy who is trying to pursue her". Whatever.

    What happened with his four year affair lady? Why isn't he with her? Did he lose interest in her because now he's a free man? What happens if you get married and you have children with him... will he do the same? If you make a mistake, is he going to look elsewhere?

    It sucks because obviously you've invested the time in him and care about him, but I seriously wouldn't continue things with him. It does reflect badly on his character. If he can get away with an affair for four years, he is very good at it and a master manipulator, like my friend. They might be good people, but they have a huge flaw. I wouldn't want my heart in his hands...

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    • Thank you for the best answer!

      I really hope you find someone who deserves you and I'm sorry (assuming) things are ending the way they are. Take care and good luck!

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 4

  • Personally, I think people attribute cheating too much to a persons character. Maybe it's true sometimes, I don't know.

    In my marriage I don't believe in the concept of "cheating." My wife is with me because she likes being with me and values being with me.

    If she reaches a time when she doesn't like being with me or values being with me, then I take it for granted that, eventually at least, she'll be with someone else.

    I tell myself now that, if this ever happens I won't think of it as her "cheating" on me. In fact, if she felt this way maybe she'd be "cheating" on herself by not finding someone who made her happy?

    Another way to consider my response is this: perhaps people "cheat" when their relationships are weak, regardless of how strong their character is?

    I realize that I'm leaving physical temptation out of this answer: we become physically tempted by another person, an opportunity presents itself, and we either act on that temptation, or we don't.

    Frankly, while I might try to find out, really I wouldn't want to know if my wife acted on such a temptation. I have not done so yet - I've come close, but I haven't yet - just because I don't want her to feel bad.

    If I knew she'd take it the same way I would, who knows? maybe I would have given in to that temptation by now.

    But actually such "opportunities" come up so incredibly rarely that they're hardly worth mentioning.

    So in your case, maybe he's a guy that has never learned how to say "No." Or maybe he's a guy that was in a relationship that had really already failed.

    Maybe he does have bad character: I can't answer that. You're in a better position than any of us to say.

    Really, in my opinion the only thing that matters is how you feel about being with him.

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  • He probably had an affair for 4 years, and then his wife discovered it, and had an affair to get revenge.

    But then he called her the cheater, and she was the bad person. Not him, of course.

    He's probably a manipulating asshole. You should dump him and not look back.

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  • I'd like to think that the fact that he told you about it would mean that it's something he's put behind him, as in he would not do it again. However, the more logical side of me is saying that's not the case.

    Ask him why he cheated and let him know how you feel. There's really not much else you can do.

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  • He's a cheater. He will cheat. Anyone who could lie to his wife for years at a time is a GOOD liar. Decide for yourself if such a person can be trusted. I'd vote no.

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What Girls Said 4

  • I think it's treading on thin ice, yeah he told you But you will ALWAYS have doubts. I always believe that once a cheater always a cheater but that's just me. Maybe he is a changed guy and really loves you. People do make mistakes but his trust will always be tested, you have to ask yourself how much can you trust him. You should give this guy the benefit of the doubt, he could really be a changed man but don't let your guard down. Not yet.

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  • thing is once a cheater always a cheater - the choice is urs now

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  • It is good to be honest about his act but by calling his wife a cheater when he is one makes him a hypocrite. Once a cheater always a cheater ..I wouldn't want to be with such a guy...

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  • Once a cheater always a cheater. Don't do it.

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