I really need some serious and mature breakup help. (No trolls)

I recently found out that my long distance boyfriend of 1.6 years have been seeing someone else.

This is what I don't understand and I am very confused to the point where I can't move on right now.

He has been seeing this woman for months and he said nothing to me. He was just angry and possessive... instead of breaking up with me he would just get angry and ignore me.

We have been fighting for a while as I felt the disconnect, and I keep asking for answers but he wouldn't give me any.

We broke up in December right before the New year, and it has been just crazy emotions flowing from both of us. I decided not to contact him on his birthday and he was crushed, neither did I respond to his happy new year message.

Anyway, I found he has someone via the other girl's instagram, I have no idea how I found it I was just browsing and omg found out that they have been dating since August 2013... He doesn't know I know and it is killing me. So it means I have been faithful and this guy has been cheating on me and locking me away from other guys tis whole time.

Anyway, Monday night when we talked I asked him if he had someone and he said not yet... I was like hmmm.. We talked for hours, he has changed significantly. He is so sexual, very rough, not like himself at all... or maybe I didn't know him. He was using words he never would have, his words were so plastic... not like him. I am there thinking who is this man?

He is bearded up, he doesn't smile... just different. He pretended that he doesn't care, yet he could tell some of the things I have been doing and that I have been going out more. He got a but heat5ed when he heard I went to a party and asking why I came back, why was I talking to him.

I said I miss you (This is before I found the instagram btw)and he said thanks. I went silent, he tried to build conversation and I tried to be mature, so I started acting like a child with stupid hip hop shit to act like I am happy but I was just dying inside. After a few hours, he said.. I want you to know that I feel like I am missing out, I asked what, on sex, you can have that. He said I can't have it with you. It is not the same with someone else. Then I am thinking what. Then he got cold again. His new girl now

She is older than him by 8 years, she has a masters degree and owns her own business and she has a single mom with a 7 year old boy We are similar in most regard, she is more extroverted and confident and has more money. He is 31 and always told me he is not into women with kids, he has dated a few.

He also grew his beard to look older but none of that matters because she has him and I know I shouldn't still love him but I do and he looks happy in the photos. Before we broke up, he told me he wasn't happy and that I am always sad and complaining.

anyway I haven't heard from him since we talked Monday. How do I get him back, don't judge me... I really really love this guy.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • don't take him back. don't try to get him back. just let him go. there is no sense in trying to get a guy who plyed you for that long and doesn't seem to have any desire to be with you anymore.

    i understand you love him and are not over him yet, but trust me when I tell you that this guy sounds like REAL trouble and pursuing a relationship with him will only exacerbate and prolong your pain. just cut him out of your life all together. Getting over a relationship is tough enough when you don't talk to a person and is exponentially harder when you do.

    you deserve better. you owe it to yourself to just try and move on without this guy in your life at all

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What Guys Said 3

  • You don't get him back. And you know it's what anyone with sense will tell you, because you stated several times in your question the disclaimers of "don't judge me" and "I need mature help". Implying that anyone who disagrees with what you want is not mature and judgmental.

    the mature thing to do is not act like a doormat and beg a guy back who was never into you enough in the first place, cheated, was controlling, etc.

    There's no trolling here, I'm being straight.

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  • You need to realize that the love you feel is old, it might still feel raw and nurtured, but it really is old, because after you going through this, your emotions would have started to evolve into a more mature state, and that's something you cannot stop from happening, and the fact this guy has betrayed you is another factor against what you are feeling. you need to allow yourself to mature and be ready for what follows, because you will become more mature in what you look for in guys, and you will know someone who is genuine to someone playing games etc, but holding onto these old feelings means you will begin to reverse that process, and if that happens, all you will do is confuse yourself to as why has it taken you so long to get over him, and why does it hurt so much, well your only answer is to move with what is happening to your emotions and your body, move into that world of better men, men that will show you their worthy of you, and not ones that would betray a woman they care for or love, and when you allow this into your life, you will never look back in wonder, you will be pleased that you didn't hold on to a dead end relationship, because the damage here is done, it is un fixable, so stop trying, allow the man you desire a chance, don't walk backwards to something that has already failed, move on and gain something worth holding onto, something that will do everything in their power to hold onto you, your worth it right, x

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  • BTDTBTTS. LDRs rarely work because they lack propinquity and repeated exposure. Think of it as a trial relationship that got caught up in romanticism when it already ended long ago and was really a pen-pals situation.

    A dude into older women with kids? 😂 The joke’s on him. That’s a loser whom will never reproduce and will pay for another man’s offspring like a willing and eager tool. Good riddance!

    Move on as fast as you can because life is short. Take that hate, misery, grief and channel it to something positive: boxing, bicycling, swimming, bodybuilding, art, etc. Life’s too short to live in the past when amazing opportunities right next to you may pass you by forever.

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What Girls Said 2

  • The only way is to understand why he doesn't want to stay in the relationship:

    1. "I feel like I'm missing out on a sex-life"..he needs it, without it ..its like a woman without love.

    2. "i wasn't happy and that I'm always sad and complaining" - really, he's expressing that he doesn't feel good around you because your sadness and complaints make him feel less of a man and useless. He doesn't know how to fix it. Men feel love for another by how great they feel when they are around their interests. Does she better his life: emotionally, physically, and mentally? If the person of interest is constantly complaining, lest he'll associate all that love for the opposite.

    3. Long distance- if the results are that you guys cannot move near each other. Then its fine to say that it has no rational reasons to continue to take the relationship that seriously (depending on each couple) in this case, he seems like a relationship type man. A weak one, but nonetheless one who craves it.

    4. Compartmentalization: I sense he has the love for you and wishes you can be the one to satisfy his sexual needs but its unrealistic seeing how you guys are so far apart.

    The only way to get him back then, is either you move near him, learn to solve issues together , communicate them in healthier ways, give him at times words of praise and approval, showing appreciation, and be patient. Life doesn't conform to our expectations and demands, so there is no solid proof way to get back with him. After all, he has his own free will.

    personal opinion: If I were ever in that position, I would learn to accept the truth of my situation. With all the cards laid out on the table: is it still viable?

    1. dishonesty

    2. lack of proper communication

    3. despite the desire, we lack the capacity to solve problems together

    4. different belief system

    5. Proximity: inaccessible on a regular basis.

    6. both sides are not getting their needs met.

    7. lost respect for other party

    8. losing self-love

    My thing is, how can I say I love someone and vice versa if we have such conflicting value system? our needs are different? When we see couples fighting about things, its usually showing how the other doesn't love the other the way they need.

    "i feel love when he/she shows me appreciation and respect"

    " I feel love when he calls me every night to see if I'm safe"

    "i feel love when he goes out of the way to put a smile on my face"

    All those examples are not feelings but actions...expressing what they value in relationships. Love isn't a feeling but merely a set of values of attitudes that two people share. Therefore, without sharing some fundamental commonality, then its not love. But merely, a state of disillusionment ...what you are feeling is in actuality: loneliness, remorse, sadness, disappointment, etc. Everytime we mistake that for love, we make pretty bad choices.

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  • no matter how much you love him or try to make it work he will never love or respect you even half as much. if he cheated on you for months with another woman and could so easily lie to your face constantly itll just continue when you get back together with him and itll keep on going until eventually you become so resentful and bitter about it that you snap and tell him you know and then itll be a huge fight and another break up. by that time you'll have invested even more of yourself into the relationship and itll be even harder to cut ties and move onto someone you deserve.

    as mentioned the mature thing to do is cut the cheater out of your life

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