I need help, please...

My boyfriend and I started dating a bit more than a year ago. He's never had a girlfriend before, or never even loved anyone before. I'm his first. We officially got together last early 2013 and everything was going very well. I'd never been that happy and satisfied in a relationship. I felt special because he's never committed to anyone before, he even introduced me to his family, who I even later on went on a trip with. Let's just say, our relationship is pretty serious. Last September, I had to move abroad for college. That's when things started going downhill. It was very hard to even talk to him while I was away. He was acting in such a careless way towards my feelings, it's like he was mad at me for some reason, maybe for leaving him there, I don't know, but we kept fighting every single day. It came in the way of my studies, I kept coming back home which is a five hour flight away by the way, even just for two days just to see him, I eventually had to drop out as I couldn't wait to go back home for Christmas I did not even show up to my exams. Until now, I don't know if it's because of him of because I truly did not like what I was studying. Anyway. I went back home, we fixed our issues. Everything went back to normal, even better. We got so much closer, it was impossible to 'break' us again. Earlier this month, we both moved abroad but for his studies now, and we live together. But here is the thing... a few days after first moving in with him, I found out that he cheated on me and lied to me several times earlier in our relationship. He cheated once. He made out with this girl when they were both completely wasted one day after me and him got into a fight while I was away. But the lies... He lied so many times. About going out with girls, as friends yes, but to me if he lies about such stupid things, what doesn't he lie about? I mean, if it's so innocent, why would he lie about it? Anyway, I won't get into too much detail but as you can imagine, it shattered my trust in a million pieces. I felt that I sacrificed SO MUCH for him, I even moved abroad again with him and MOVED IN with him, leaving everything behind and here I am, feeling like a fool. I know he loves me. I can see it, everyone can see it. I've had some of his friends from back home calling me telling me he begged them for help, for me to forgive him. I've seen him cry several times. I eventually calmed down with time and decided I should at least try to forgive him. things are getting better I guess but sometimes I just break down. I am completely paranoid. I have no trust in him. Our relationship is destroyed and I blame him for that. I feel that he took away from me the most beautiful thing I've ever had and there is no way to ever get it back. I could go on forever trying to describe what I feel, but I'll just stop here, I really need your help. I don't know what to do, or feel... And don't tell me to just move out. I can't... I'm stuck here for six months and I love him.


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Most Helpful Girl

  • For this situation, in my opinion. whats LOVE got to do with it? Girly, if there is NO trust, you don't have a relationship. I know you're trying to hold on to what you once had, but that innocent and honest part of the relationship is gone. You have two choices here. either accept his apology and believe that he has changed, or break up with him and find someone who WON'T lie to you.

    In my very personal opinion, I would drop that fool so fast. First of all, you sacrificed a lot to be with him. You even dropped out of school PROBABLY because you were over extending yourself for the relationship and now you have relocated with him, just to find out that he lied and cheated on you. I find lying to be one of the most intolerable things ever. I simply wouldn't be able to put that past a person. I don't think I would be able to trust someone like that again. so I would leave. I would find someone else to love because I know my own self worth.

    But in the end, its your call. Good luck.

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What Guys Said 3

  • If you expect a boyfriend to never ever ever lie to you about anything, ever... then you're gonna have a bad time.

    People lie. All the time about all sorts of things. You have to learn to separate the lies which are truly damaging to a relationship, from the lies that just annoy you because you had some ridiculous Disney-like vision of what boyfriends and girlfriends were like.

    For example - I don't think making out with someone is cheating on them. It is making out with someone. It is frequently damaging to a relationship. It's probably a sign that something is wrong.

    But for a long distance relationship, after a fight, and when there is drink involved... I have to say I'd err on the side of forgiveness there. Because those are all impossible circumstances. Long distance relationships rarely work, fights often lead to temporary break ups, and people are stupid when they are drunk.

    Those circumstances don't reflect who he is or she is. That is them at their worst.

    In my experience, someone like yourself who feels their trust has been shattered (regardless of the fact that I think it was because you had such a crazy unrealistic view of things) is going to get out of this relationship and dump him. Because you are still young enough to think that breaking up and walking away is the natural and inevitable consequence for cheating.

    You see it all the time on advice boards like this - a guy or girl messes up and millions of outraged virgins scream "Dump him! Dump her!"

    I doubt you'll be different in that respect.

    But the truth that you will come to learn eventually, is this - relationships are difficult, they are hard work, people are imperfect, and we make mistakes. You included.

    The best relationships, the most successful ones, are the ones where you try every day to put in the necessary work to the relationship, but you also know that if you fail, there is one person in the world that you can always tell anything too, and they will forgive you, take you back, and have your back.

    When you know that is the sort of partner you have, and the relationship you have, believe me you'd do so much more than regular folk to make it work.

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    • I'm going to go kiss my boyfriend now. You just saved a relationship. Thank you so much.

  • Well, as I'm sure you're aware, trust is essential to a relationship and once it's broken it can bey very hard, often impossible, to mend. It's going to take a lot of time and effort from him to repair your trust in him. He needs to prove to you that he can be trustworthy, and can only be done through actions, not words alone. And even after all that, it might still not work. If you don't trust him then you don't trust him, even if you want to.

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    • I know... You're absolutely right... He's trying very hard though, he keeps telling me it's the past and he was stupid and he changed, he didn't know what he was doing, and a part of me understands, I'm his first everything, his first love, first girlfriend, first sexual partner, he got scared I guess... And he even showed me conversations between him and the girl, the next day he texted her this can never happen again, and cut all contact with her. He's trying, but I feel broken.

    • Give it a little time and don't rush into anything. You basically have to start over from scratch at this point. I think you should focus most of your efforts on making your relationship about being open and honest. That means showing you appreciate his honesty even if you don't like the truth but also showing that you're making an effort to be open and honest as well.

      Above all, talk to each other, a lot, about anything and everything, positive and negative. Communication is key.

  • You need to decide what to do. Yes, relationships can be repaired somewhat when someone breaks trust like that - but you have to work at it, and it will take a long time.

    In the end, you're learning the tough life lesson, that you cannot invest all of your life for another person and sacrifice what would make you happy for them. You obviously wanted to study abroad for some reason and you gave all of that up for him.

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