When a married man has an affair....do you blame the other woman more?

I was watching a talk show where they had mistresses on. Then they brought on two scorned wives. They totally blamed the mistresses. I do agree that they were in the wrong...but their husband decided to have an affair. No one put a gun to their heads. They act like the man is like a little child with no self control. What do you think?


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  • There's no way to know who is most to blame because it varies so much from case to case. If the mistress knew he was married I certainly blame her every bit as much as the man.

    In many cases I blame the wife as much as, or even more than the husband.

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    • I am just curious...in what case would you blame the wife? Would her denying her husband sex be one of them?

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    • I completely agree! Why do you think society doesn't see it the way you do?

    • Because half of society is women. I see this I guess because I have been lucky to have a very strong sex drive. And I can see how selfish these women are. But they are missing out on a good thing.

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What Guys Said 7

  • who's the cheater, the one giving the answers or the one taking them? The 'mistress' is just providing the answers, probably knowing it's wrong, but the guy is the one taking advantage of the situation.

    Being in a monogamous relationship is supposedly some sort of prestigious status that comes with certain benefits and drawbacks: chief among the drawbacks are that you may only have sex with one person. The mistress does not get this prestige and thus isn't obliged to have sex with only one person, moreover because the guy is in a relationship she is virtually guaranteed to experience no real emotional connection. Unless she simply enjoys sex for the sake of sex, which is rare for women, all of this sums to an inherent punishment rather than reward anyway, for the mistress. The guy, however, gets the prestige and benefits of being in a relationship but sneaks out of the drawbacks. That's cheating.

    That's one thing I'm thinking. Another thing could be that we must first determine "who is getting what they want but shouldn't have." Assume the fairly reasonable assumption that men use love to get sex and women use sex to get love. If a guy is at a point where he needs to have sex but his wife is not providing it, so he seeks other sources, then both the wife and the husband are cheating! The wife is cheating the guy out of sex, and the husband is cheating. period. The wife owes the husband sex in the same sense that the husband owes the wife monogamy (or 'love'). But even in this case the mistress is not obtaining love, and even if she were it would be in exchange for sex which is the requirement, so she is not cheating. However, if the wife "cheats" things are different. The 'other guy' is, indeed, getting sex without providing love - ergo the other guy is cheating. The husband, however, is not cheating (unless he is having sex with his wife but never loves her, and that's what drove her to cheat - which is the standard reason, actually). Oddly, under this criteria, the wife is not cheating either. To cheat she would need to date other men, but if it's just sex then she isn't cheating. Weird!

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  • It's very common for the spurned spouse (male or female) to blame the third person rather than their own partner, but this is WRONG, because it was the PARTNER who promised to be monogamous and made the commitment, not the third person.

    Yes, the third person shares some of the blame (assuming they knew he/she was married before starting the affair), but the bigger share of the blame goes to the spouse/partner who did the cheating, not the third person.

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  • i blame both but I blame the man more. whoever is the person in the relationship is obviously more to blame. the person who is the other woman or man obviously you'd hope that they'd make a better moral decision but they really don't have any moral obligation other than to themself whereas the person in the relationship has a moral obligation to themself and their partner

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  • No, the husband is to blame, 100%. Seriously, there has to be a million women out there from time to time that flirt with married men and don't realize he's married. Even of she did realize, it wouldn't matter, because he knows he's married.

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    • Even of... GAH! I meant to say "EVEN IF she did realize,..." I hate it when I can't change my mistakes.

  • I think that people have a very good rationalization system. In these women's minds it goes something like this:

    "If my husband cheated on me with her, that means that there may be something wrong with me, that I didn't give him what he wanted. That would mean I am somehow inadequate. I don't care to admit I could have a flaw or fault. The other option is that I really didn't pick a good person to spend my life with, and I don't want to believe that either, so it must have been that this evil woman was so tempting he couldn't resist...plus we're both women, isn't there a girl code?"

    Not saying it's rational...but humans often aren't, either.

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    • Did it ever occur to you that the wives are denying the husbands sex? That happens more than you know, especially when they are in their 40s and 50s. Women can lose their sex drive around that age. I have several friends that tell me they don't care anything about sex. What are these husbands suppose to do?

    • Yes, I know that happens. That wasn't quite what you asked.

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What Girls Said 4

  • the cheater is always the wrong one.

    i started hanging out with this guy this year.. only to find out he has a girlfriend. I had already started developing feelings for him and I didn't want to stop seeing him. some people said I was in the wrong.. but I don't think so. it's the cheater who's taking advantage of the situation. they're usually jerks.

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  • I agree with you. Don't know how you could NOT blame the guy more.

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    • Sometimes...not always. Especially if the couple is older..40s and 50s the wife loses her sex drive and denies her husband sex. What is the husband to do? I think they should get some kind of help. If that doesn't help...then they should get a divorce. Women do not realize how much sex means to men.

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    • I totally understand it. That is what I am saying. I know many women my age...late 40s that have totally cut their husbands off. I try to explain to them that it is important to their husbands...they do not care. They feel like if they can live without it...so can their husbands.

    • Yeah it's sad. But still doesn't warrant cheating.

  • I blame the man too. However, this is what people period do. Its not just married wife that goes after the other woman. I've read cases of married men going after that other man too.

    When someone crosses your boundaries and steals your spouse, you don't think logically. You think emotionally.

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  • I blame both, but obviously the cheating husband is more to blame for it. HE made a promise to HIS wife to stay faithful. The mistresses didn't promise the wives that they wouldn't cheat with their husbands.

    The wives are in this case in denial about the fact that their husbands are cheating assholes. It's a lot easier to simply put all the blame on the mistresses. It's a defense mechanism. "My husband would never have cheated on me if that whore hadn't seduced him!" but, chances are, he actually would have. He would have cheated on her with someone else instead.

    Also, there's the whole stigma about men getting away with shit like this because they have "no control" over themselves, and that they're "sexual creatures" who only "wish to spread their seeds" and that they're "easily seduced". That's why a lot of people like to put the blame on the women. Obviously they are the evil ones who decided to seduce these poor little men... uhhh no. Not even close. These men are adults and should be held responsible for their actions. No doubt about it.

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