Leaving a cheating girlfriend and her kids when she is in a bit of a pickle, yes or no?

I been with my girl for 2 years now, she has 2 kids aged 7 from her previous relationship.

I posted this question on this www.girlsaskguys.com/.../q955844-suspicion-girlfriend-attempted-to-cheat-with-a-guy-she-met-off

After some thinking about it, I decided that I should leave her as she had attempted to cheat.

I haven't told her I want to leave her as a few developments has surfaced.

Firstly, we are renting a house, we share half the rent, I pay 80% of all bills. I don't find this an issue. Also everything is in her name, I just transfer money to her account. Usually she places the bills on the table and I transfer the money into her account, she then pays it. It turns out the power bill, rent and a few other bills she had run up arrears on and I only just found out rent is 2 months behind.

She is in plenty of debt, upwards of 70% of all her income goes towards servicing those debts. Most of those are also minimum repayments so she certainly isn't making any headway on it.

Her minivan died a few days ago and she has no avenue to get a replacement as she doesn't have any money and her credit file is plain rubbish.

Her kids aren't cheap to feed due to a host of allergies. Their father has been MIA for the last 5 years, therefore asking him for money isn't an option. I don't have problems feeding these kids and end of the day it is their mother who cheated.

She doesn't really have any family she could turn to either as most are either struggling or couldn't give a toss.

As it goes, she lost her job yesterday.

Leaving isn't really an issue, I can pack my bags and head out in an hour if I wanted. However I feel I cannot in good conscience let the 2 young kids go cold or hungry.

Opinions please, what should I do about this?

Updates:
I told her maybe we should have a break from each other so she could reflect on what she did, also told her I thought it was best I moved out as I'm sick and tired of commuting and returning to middle of nowhere. She begged me not to leave.
After some thinking and an argument I decided to leave the house.

Loaded up everything into the truck and now staying with a friend for a few days.

She insisted on more money from me till she found a job.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Being you are in this Pickle lily deal with her and the other baggage she possesses, leaves a sour ball in my mouth. I do feel very sad and---bad---for Her and the kids, but I also feel, that you are Not getting anywhere with her "dead beat debts," and on top of this, instead of showing you gratitude for helping Her and the extra baggage out, she rewards you with schemes and dreams of being this cheating cheetah. It's discouraging and a real turn off, I can feel your agony and head spinning pain.
    I realize if you stay any longer and bear this cross you seem to be carrying, the "load of lords" you are indulging in, is only going to get More overbearing and even difficult to deal with. If you don't start to make some sort of Game Plan Now, you never will. And your conscience will definitely then be the demise of you and the rest of your life.
    You and your live-in need to sit down and have a long talk about your plans to leave. Of course, you are going to have to expect the begging and brawling, but in the crux of it all, a solution Has to be sought after.
    Might I suggest, either she find Another job or go into a shelter with the children, and allow THEM to start looking after her and her and her them. They will help guide her in the Right direction, and in turn, this will enable you to break free and go back to a normal life once again.
    You both are Not married, ad I believe, you really Did give it your all, but when enough is enough, and you feel it is time to toss in the kitchen towel, then the best thing to do is make sure NO ONE goes cold and hungry, and begin the beguine as soon as possible.
    Good luck and God bless, sweetie. xx

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    • Thanks for the answer.

      In the end I decided she wanted too much and compromised too little. The best thing to do was to simply leave her as she simply demanded too much and compromised too little.

      Decided she is old enough to think for herself and she can deal with her own shit without me.

    • Good luck.. I know it was a hard decision, but not getting you anywhere to be this Enabler, always having to pick up the pieces for what I call a loser.. I wish You both luck. xx

    • I agree.. everyone has to do for themselves... everyone has to move on.. xx

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What Girls Said 5

  • Wow, just wow. I seriously take back what I said in the previous question and admit to being completely wrong.

    From the sounds of it she shamelessly took advantage of your kindness.

    You pay 80% of the bills, took care of her children (HERs, not yours) and she repays you by fucking other dudes on the side. And now that you've had enough, she has the AUDACITY to ask for money. After she failed to pay said bills for 2 bloody months with YOUR money?
    Holy entitled slutwhore, Batman!

    She doesn't deserve shit. I can understand helping out, if you guys simply fell out of love and decided to go separate ways. But this is something else.

    She has no money, no family, credit score in the dumps, late with bills, two kids to support and she thinks it's a totally cool idea to cheat on her sole source of survival.
    I wonder if her kids know that their mother is a whorebag.

    It's unfortunate, that they kids will suffer, but in the end it has nothing to do with you. She took you for granted and got what she deserved.

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  • the system you have is normal in japan with the man paying for everything and handing his entire paycheck to the wife. she pays the bills and gives him a small allowance. the problem is your lady is not doing what she should be doing.

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    • Are you having a laugh or that some kind of a joke?

      Why on earth would a guy want to give a woman all his hard-earned money.

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    • i'm just warning you not to come to japan to get married. don't get mad at me ! this is how things are here.

    • I don't intend to get married to anyone.

      The men in your country must have something wrong in their head to allow such thing to be the norm, not even extreme feminist in the West get away with insisting on such practices.

  • Leave her but help out for the kids because they don't deserve to suffer for their mothers incompetence

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    • I been looking at how to work that out, if I move out there certainly isn't any way I could help her out with her kids as I have to pay my own rent and bills for a new place, somewhat decided if I move I'd move closer to work place and rent there is expensive.

      Kind of difficult to leave her but stay with her though.

      I don't think I want to punish her kids for her mistakes though as it would also make me look bad since we have quite a few common friends.

    • Just break up with her, but lets try to get her food stamps a new job and some finantial help, you should like sell the appartment and maybe drop her off with a friend or something. And just stop buy and like drop off food staples to help out such as Bread, milk, rice, some fruits, yogurt and veggies, that way they don't suffer from malnutrition

    • I tried to tell her we should move to a smaller place till she gets a job. She said she was really tired and didn't want to look for a job just yet.

      Moving made perfect sense because there are no jobs around here and now that she doesn't have wheels there really is no reason to be so far away.

      I didn't quite think of how to help her kids, I decided it was best I get out of there first and deal with this on an as is needed basis.

  • Dating people it's kids is messy. These aren't your kids, you are free to pack up and leave her without having or pay for anything else. This is her mess, not yours. If she did or was about to cheat as you say, is this something you really want to stay with anyway because she's in financial strife? She's supposed to pay her bills and save money for a "rainy" day in case stuff like this happens especially when she has children involved.

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    • She never had any savings due to her debts. In fact it wasn't till 7 months ago that I knew the true extent of her debts.

      She isn't a bad person, other than the debt and cheating there isn't much else wrong with her.

      No rainy day fund exist, so she will be penniless if I moved out in the morning.

      It will make me look really bad among our common friends if I did that though.

      Not sure if there is a way to manage or mitigate the fallout.

  • Do what is best for you, NOT what is best for her

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    • at this point I have a tough time figuring out what is best for me without it appearing to be totally selfish.

    • Sometimes it's ok to be selfish. You have to take care of yourself first

    • What do you reckon be best then?

What Guys Said 6

  • I certainly see your quandary. I think I would do some research on agencies that will help her and try to get them involved. Clearly it seems to me that unless you are head over heels in love with this girl and are willing to completely take over the finances, you need to get out. Trying to do so without leaving her completely in the lurch is admirable but she owns this problem and she needs to solve it. Help if you can but don't take ownership of it.

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    • I'm not planning to solve her debt problems, that is her own problem.

      I will look to see if there is any agencies that could help her out.

      I'm mostly interested in helping out that 2 kids more than her to be honest.

    • I certainly see your point about the kids. It's a tough situation. I might be tempted to helping out the kids in some concrete way like making sure they have warm clothes and shoes, etc. I'd buy them direct rather than giving her the cash. Even that's not all that good a solution. If you attend a church, a conversation with the staff might yield some ideas.

  • You are not obligated to support her. If she really did cheat on you, and I hate to say this, but she brought it upon herself. As long as the kids aren't yours, dump her and move on.

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    • We do have a lot of common friends, some of them I'm very close to. I think me dumping her in such a circumstance would make me look bad and pretty much without a doubt I'd come out as the bad guy.

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    • my question is if she was putting the bills out to where you could see them and you posted money from your acct into hers what has she been doing with the money for the past 2 months? not only that but seems to be in the arrears several months on the rent as well... rent and utilities depending on wher eyou live can be costly anywhere can run as much as 1500 to 1800 a month even a modest estimate of 2 months would say be 3000 dollars even at 1500 a month total so where did the 3000 dollars go it seems not towards the bills in any form... who or what was she spending the money on for the last at least 2 months... gambling / drugs /
      blackmail money

    • also what does her bank acct fiques look like do they reflect a lot of out go as well or is your money just piling up in her acct...

  • Did or did she not cheat and if she did, what did she do? Having coffee is different from having sex. What was her intent? Looking for a better meal ticket?

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    • I caught them watching a movie at home while snuggled on a couch. She had met him off this app called Tinder and while they had not had sex it sure did seem that they were moments away from having it.

      No idea what was her intent, it is unlikely it would had been a better meal ticket as I highly doubt anyone would start helping her with her bills so soon in a relationship. right?

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    • unless she's showing a lot of true remorse for you finding them in this situation then another redflag its also possible she's been using the money to entertain this guy with as well something to think about

    • i'll also assume that other than making transfers to her acct you actually have no idea what her bank acct looks like as far as withdrawals and or deposts... it may even be possible she's using this other guy as well for some kind of fianancial support... did this other guy know anything about or even that she was with you if not another red flag to consider

  • Her kids are not your problem. She cheated AND the money you give her for bills does not go towards bills. You gotta pack up and go, dude

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    • You think so?

      You would do the same?

      Surely you'd be concerned about the 2 kids who end of the day didn't do anything wrong, surely they don't deserve to be left cold and starving.

      I don't know I feel really sad to leave them that way as when I was a child I felt a lot of starvation.

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    • I doubt she could get anything from the ex, he has simply disappeared from the face of the earth.

      Her family most don't want anything to do with her as she already owes many of them money and didn't repay.

    • that should be a major red flag there her owing sums of money to family and friends and never making an attempt at pay back those loans... not sure if you'd want to settle down with someone like that she could rack up tons of bills and leave you holding the bag to pay them... if your mutual friends don't see your side of the story and condem you for leaving her then their not much good as friends anyways

  • Her kids, her problem.

    Perhaps she'll make responsible decisions in the future.

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  • Do what is in YOUR best interests.

    Fulfill your legal obligations, so that the law doesn't penalize you. So, for example, you should see whether you have to give the landlord any notice or whatever.

    But, other than that, I don't see why you shouldn't leave now and pay not a single cent more towards her.

    You have no moral obligation towards her or her kids. If the kids suffer, it's HER fault, not yours.

    I'm going to be honest and say she probably thought she could get away with it. If a single mother manages to snag a childless man, it would take a very good woman indeed not to think to herself, "Wow, he's selfless. He'll do what I want him to do without ever thinking about what he wants". It's one of the reasons that I would never go for a single mother, the other reason being simply I don't want to look after someone else's kids.

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    • I'm in a fairly good position legally, none of the bills or the house tenancy is in my name or has my name to it.

      I suppose if I left in the morning then there is nothing she could do.

    • Go for it, then.

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