Just found out my wife was cheating on me... for the 2nd time, she never loved me?

My divorce was final on 1/14/14. I just found out my wife was cheating on me before it ended. She tries to say she didn't meet the person until 2/2 but I can't believe a word she said. She was caught by the wife of a couple who were "friends" almost a year ago. She claimed it was just phone calls but she did go on a date with him. she claims it was just dinner to try and understand why "I did the things I did and try to understand our relationship" while we were going through what turned out to be our last 8 months together. I wanted to believe her because I love her so deeply and wanted to stay together. But now I know the truth of both issues. you know the saying "fool me once shame on me, fool me twice shame on you.". Since months before the divorce was final it was like she took our 25 years together and just threw it away. how does someone do that? It is clear she never loved me. maybe never even cared about me. how does someone live a lie for that long and for what reason? She tries to play a caring mother. But she wanted a divorce. So she feels we were a mistake and we should never have been married, what does that say about your children? how can you care about something that was a product of something you wish never happened. I feel so foolish, embarrassed, stupid, and humiliated. She seems to just throw things in my face ever couple of weeks just to hurt me. like she gets off on it. I am up at 2:30 because I can't turn my mind off. We met on 1/10/89 and I went into the Air Force on 2/14/89.. I came home on May 27 and asked her to marry me. She wrote me a ton from the start of basic training until late into tech school until I was able to call whenever I wanted. I still have every letter and card she sent me. I just finished going through many of them again. All the "we will be together forever because I love you so much" I was such a fool. And because I never had a girlfriend before so I believed it. Now I am a 45 yr old fool.
Updates:
I am someone that does not believe in "I love you, but.". Either you love someone or you never loved someone. There cannot be "I love you but I am not in love with you..". It is just so humiliating to know she never loved me when I love her so much

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Most Helpful Girl

  • You are NOT a fool!! You are a true man that truly loved a woman. It is not your fault that she turned out to be a bad person. I know it hurts and it will hurt for a while until you can fully heal. The great thing about your situation is that one day you will look back at your part in the marriage and be able to honestly say that you loved with all of your heart, and that you did the right thing. She will look back one day and realize how much of a horrible person she IS, she can never go back and fix the mess that she made and that will eat her up inside. I am speaking from my own experience, I was married to my first husband for 5 years and I was 100% faithful, honest, loyal, invested and in love with him and our life together. That is until I found out he was cheating on me, sadly I loved him so much that I forgave him over and over. After about a year of his cheating and lies, I finally got some balls and left him. So fast forward to now 7 years later, I am now happily married to my second husband (going on 6 years) and me and my ex-husband are actually good friends (mostly because we have two kids together), well anyways he has told me over and over throughout the years that he is so sorry and he regrets his mistakes every day of his life. He says I am the one that got away, he realizes that I would have never done anything to hurt our marriage/family. But he knows 100% that I am over him and happy with my new life, and it still kills him to this day. He knows he messed up bad, and that life will never be the same and he only has himself to blame. I don't want him to have a bad life, I want him to one day find happiness with someone else again. I just hope he learned his lesson, because he is setting the example that my children are learning from. I hope somehow this helps you. Just remember that you will be perfectly fine one day, but she will never get rid of the guilt and shame of what she has done to you and your family NEVER!

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What Girls Said 3

  • Some people when they're married just go through the motions of being married. You said you proposed to her after only 5-6 months. She may have felt that was too soon but never told you. She may have loved you at one point but once she realized her true feelings she may have stayed just for the kids sake. She may have even stayed so as to not hurt you. But one can only hide their real feelings for so long. She probably could have saved you a lot of grief if she communicated better early on or if you divorced much earlier, but that's clearly not the case.

    Like with all break-ups have your grieving period, but then move on. Stop looking at the letters, etc. because that's clearly giving you more grief. When you talk to her appear strong and tell her you will not tolerate bad-mouthing if she does so. Try to limit your communication with her to logistical matters. Reflect what may have gone wrong and improve yourself from that experience. Get counseling if necessary.

    It's hard now, but it's never too late to start over. Be thankful that you've even been given a second chance. Learn and grow from it and you'll come out a winner.

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  • Mine just realize he most likely is gay... I digress... I also don't understand how you can say LYU and do that to some1... I believe in open disclosure and honesty. Being a F*cking jerk is a CHOICE! I feel the same way your feeling... it such and the best REVENGE is to LIVE your LIFE in happiness! GOOD LUCK, I feel the pain.

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  • You're certainly not a fool. She loved you at one point, but as time goes on things change and sometimes needs change. It sounds like you guys were young when you got married and I know a couple of my parents friends who divorced because of that. Even my own parents! They didn't experience dating and felt like something was missing. Also the things they wanted from a partner changed when they got older. Granted they are back together but they still have their issues. I agree with the other posters that you did your part! You tried to make it work so take that and move one. You seem like a great loving guy and there is truly someone out there waiting for someone like you :) date, have fun, and be young!

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What Guys Said 2

  • you werent a fool, its just people change, and sometimes they grow apart, and in todays society, even more so.

    you should hold your head high and know that at least you tried and did the right thing till the end. i know that does nothing to fill the void, but yeah thats just how the dice land sometimes. i hope you dont let this weigh on your shoulders for too long, and you do your best to put yourself back out there. dont be bitter, hit the gym, get some new threads, find yourself a new woman (hopfully younger!) and let your ex be bitter.

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  • I think your wife loved you at some point in your relationship because you seem to be a great guy. People change though. And you guys got engaged and married during the infatuation phase of your relationship, without really getting to know one another first. And I think most long term relationships and marriages do turn into I love you, but not in love with you type of deal. Lets be honest here, romantic love only exists early on in your relationship. After that, it is just a deep connection that bonds you. Love beyond romantic love. I know its tough but now you are liberated. Put that behind you and move on while you are still young. You are at an age when many people are newly divorced looking for love. Look forward to the fun times you have ahead of you. Get out there, play the game, hell womanize if you have to. Just live your life, meet someone new.

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