Just divorced, lost, alone, not sure what to do?

I don't want to repost my "cheated on me post" but it explains a lot of back story if you look it up. So I am 45. My wife left me and it was final on 1/14/14. I bought a house about a half mile away which is great for my 3 boys. Since we were together for 25 years I pictured us being very close and getting along really well. Her mom has a similar situation where she is divorced but they are together more then not.
She completely turned her back on me. she seems to want to hurt me or humiliate me whenever she can. I just found out she was cheating on me at the end of the relationship.
I love her with all my being. So getting past this seems impossible.
I have an extremely strong sense of family. It is not like we have only been together a few years. I have been with her more then half my life. She is family. I could not stop loving her any more then I could stop loving my kids or my parents. it is unconditional. how do you throw away 25 years together?
So I have to try to come to the realization that she never loved me. That 25 years was a lie.
We were very co-dependent people. I wrapped myself completely in my family. I have 1 friend I have known all my life but he has his own family and we don't talk much.
So no friends, nobody to talk to, all these unresolved issues.
I am more comfortable with women then men. I see women doctors, up until now only women therapists. I think I will have to switch now that the terms of my therapy have changed from saving my marriage to finding a way to move on.
I never had a girlfriend before my wife. I had gone on dates but never anything steady and you can count on 1 hand how many. So there weren't any women when I was young, thin and had hair. What do i do now? I don't have looks. I have never been attractive. I am financially in ruins though I have a good job and am rebuilding again.
how do I ever trust a woman again? to know I was not worth loving for all those years what does that say about me?
I am someone who does not believe in "I love you, but.." like "I love you but I am no longer In Love with you." you either loved someone or you never loved someone and you had some other kind of feeling.


Most Helpful Girl

  • You are Fresh out of a devastating divorce, and after 25 years of doing the same thing with the same person, things have changed, so Now you are going to have to lick your wounds and roll with the punches, as they say. And no one says it's going to be Easy. Rome was not built in a day, nor will your life be rebuilt in one as well.
    Take things slow for now. Learn Again Who You are. Do some soul searching and spending some time Alone in getting to know the real man you are Today, the man you have Become, and your life as it is going to be from now on.
    True, you have loved only One woman for 25 years, and even after the divorce, you can't seem to throw it all away like yesterday's garbage. No one expects you to, but you Do need to use baby steps to get back into the swing of things again, and learn to live without her, for you are the One who counts Now. And of course, your three wonderful boys.
    I don't see any reason for her to have to fight dirty and continue hurting you and humiliating you like she does, but even after a ugly divorce, sometimes it takes ages before anyone comes to any compromise, any sort of pact for friendship, to at least learn to get along and make it Right for even "The children's sake."
    No one says you have to go out tomorrow and find another wife, another woman, but eventually down the road, you are going to get lonely and miss some companionship. You say you are More comfy with women than with men? Might I suggest a group, through your therapist, who can recommend both Men And Women in a similar situation such as yours. You will find this is good therapy, and a way of mingling and getting back out there.
    I believe with divorce comes the insecurities, is Why you are being so hard on yourself. When you look in the mirror, you don't see the "man from yesterday," but now that you are a free agent, it's Up to you, to Do something to change that, and tell yourself "It's a dogie eat dog world."
    Good luck. xx


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What Girls Said 6

  • First of all I want to say how sorry I am about your divorce. I can't even imagine how painful that must be for you after 25 years. I recently broke up with someone after 10 months and it was traumatising, so it must be horrendous at the moment for you. Secondly I want to say that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. May not seem like it now, and it will be a long dark tunnel to travel through, but you will be happy again.
    Although everyone says that women do not have them, I think your ex wife, has actually had a mid life crisis. If you have been married 25 years, that means you were very young when you got married. I don't believe that she never loved you. It may have been caused by the fact things felt all a bit the same, things needed refreshing and she wanted to feel like an attractive, desirable woman. These thoughts are fine, as long as you aren't fishing for other men and becoming an adulteress, losing all your inhibitions. I am glad you have admitted that you still love her, because of course you do, but she is not giving you the same in return.
    Her cheating on you shows her lack of respect for you, and in return you must walk away.
    You seem a little negative about yourself at the moment, and this is natural after such hard split, but you do have precious qualities. There are loads of single men in their forties these days. How do you think they survive?
    Here is what I suggest;

    Give yourself a break from love, relationships, women and all that crap. You NEED time to heal and get over this. If you want to cry or think about the split, then do so. Bottling up feelings never helps.

    Get out there, do some sports, take up running or hobbies. List all the things you have ever wanted to do in your life and go do them. Maybe its taking a woodworking class.

    Most importantly devote your life to your children. Take them out, have fun, be a great Dad. Don't let the split hurt your children, make them your life now. They are most important.

    • Thank you. That was kind to say. I will always love her. We are family and she is the mother of my children. I just dont like her right now. She used my feelings for her to lead me on like we would be very close after the divorce was final. Not married but together. Her mom has had exactly that going on for years. She used that to take advantage of me and took everything financially. I figure she took me for about 7k. So i have no money, every penny of my retirement was used to purchase the house i am in for my kids to be able to stay with me. I have nothing in the bank. I gave up career ambitions so she could go to nursing school and the kids would not have to ever be in daycare. So i worked midnights and afternoons. She didn't work full time until only a couple years ago so we got by but never had savings. So she has a great job, plenty of money and is set. I have limited options at 45. I am very lonely. And sex starved. But think that is more wanting a woman touch and care

  • Sorry to hear you are going through this. I am going through something similar, just waiting to have finalized my divorce from an emotional abusive man.

    No matter what, the relationship you had has reached it's potential. Although I think she loved you, she probably signed out way way before asking for divorce. She probably had to think about it a lot more than you think.

    I would try to see it like an opportunity to discover yourself; because marriage really shapes you inside, you blend with the other person. And even though I think it is necessary, and it happens on it's own it is not good for anybody.

    I would encourage you to try your best to recenter on yourself. Sometimes actually most of the time I feel like I will never find another man who would want to be with me. But I know somewhere in my heart this is not possible.

    It is very difficult realizing you have been in a relationship that didn't mean to the other person all it did to you. But, at least now you know and are out of that relationship. You are very young, have passed the build your home, reproduce your genes phase. Now you can think about what it actually is that you want in your life, and what makes you happy, and what kind of woman you think you can live your life with.

    Anyway; hang in there. I am; many of us are. Hang in there; this too shall pass.

    • Thank you. Those were kind words. I have a part of me that wants to stay alone. How can i ever trust another woman? I will have to close off my feelings so nobody can hurt me again. Staying alone i only need to worry about me. But the rational part of me knows that i am very lonely. I am happy when i can take care of a woman. And i know there is no way i will be able to wall myself off. I hope that many of the scars stay to protect my emotions. I am really missing sex a ton. Masturbating more then i have in A long time but it is not close to the connection with a woman when you are inside her. But i could never get myself to use a prostitute because i can't get past a image of a big mass of stds. But i am confused on the whole sex situation nowadays. Arghh anyway. I plan on giving myself 6 months before thinking about looking for someone. Maybe some chat rooms texting and email between two people never hurts anyone. Anyway thanks

  • I think she loved you , in her own way, some point in life.. Maybe you were the first person who ever loved her , even if she had been with a lot of guys they could've all had commitment issues and she was happy to find someone who wanted to marry her. I've noticed girls think of the guy they'll sleep with and marry differently our society teaches girls to aspire to marry. she also had 3 kids with you, she wouldn't have done this if she was lying to you. either way, she is definitely not the mature person here but take it as a blessing you found out now , later is better than never. You shouldn't be looking for a replacement woman because things will become more nasty, You have your 3 kids and I would encourage you to put all your energy in them.. if not , you'll miss them growing up from being distracted and also might ruin their image of their dad. As far as someone to talk to , the best thing is a therapist in some kind bc even a friend can give bad biased advice. You'll get through this, the world isn't over till you say it is.

  • You have to gradually pick up the pieces. People fall in and out if love everyday. It sucks especially since you two have been married for so long and have children together. But you have to move on or it will never get better. You will have some good days and then some bad days. Eventually you will be healed but everyone copes differently but the best option is to keep your head high and move on.

  • Well first off, I'm sure at one point she did love you other wise you wouldn't have had kids well she wouldn't have agreed to having kids with you. You are going to be okay.. she just fell out of love and sometimes as sad as that is it happens. Its going to be okay though. Life will get better. Go do something to get your mind off things like join the gym or something fun

  • You really started young getting together with her. You're allowed to love her when life seemed so readily perfect


What Guys Said 5

  • Sorry to hear that, in my opinion life is showing you that single is the way for you! What's wrong with being single? There are just as many advantages as disadvantages, so why sulk, when you can enjoy being single.

    • Agree. Being single has many benefits. But after decades of being married, it is not that easy (specially if you love the person). I didn't love any longer the man I was married to for ten years, and still find it difficult at times getting used to being single.
      But 100% agree the benefits of being single are many; it's just time to get used to being single.

    • Show All
    • Well I have recently learned that sex is to men what emotional support is for women. I can see how difficult it is to live without such basic needs met.

    • I don't think I would like to get back to the old married couple stage. I wish I could have something exclusive with a man without having to get into the boring aspects of marriage.

  • Time. You gotta work through the grief. Use the kids as a reason to at least pretend you're happy. Use em as a networking tool to meet other divorced people. Make friends with em.

    Then get out and do stuff with the kids and have fun with it.

    Whatever you do, and this is important, don't let yourself retreat from the world just because you invested a lot of yourself in a woman and she wasn't worth it. Hell all of us make mistakes. Get back on the horse take care of your family and drive on.

    Something tells me that there's a divorced with kids networking and dating site out there somewhere. There are enough folks in your situation that someone has to have built an empire around putting folks together.

    • There is a dating site for divorced people. www.divorcedating.com But dating when it still so raw, it's probably dangerous. But I am a woman, so I think differently. Maybe for a man it is good to be out dating other women. But for me and the emotional charge that for me goes attached with dating, I think it is best to wait to regain confidence, and have peace within.

  • Geez, this is rough.

  • Can't you take it to court and get alimony for it?

    • oh your a guy then your screwed 9/10 the woman wins in court and gets alimony

  • Can understand how you feel mate! Even when my wife is terribly harsh on me, and deprives me of the sex I badly need, the tragedy is that I can only dream of having sex with her in my sleep!

    Yes, people we are attached to do grow on us...

    I don't think she never loved you, or it's a lie. I just think that "love" (if there is such a thing, and it's not all about chemicals) changes with time. Haven't you read all those posts about
    guys on GAG complaining that their women fell out of love for no reason in 3-5 years time, and some of them ended up "cheating" just to access the sex, etc?

    Have patience, and try to build up your confidence...


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