My boyfriend went out with ex without telling me?

To be fair though,
a. she lives across the country!
b. they broke up years ago
c. we now live together and are happy
d. and he sees her only when we visit our hometown

AAAAND everytime he suggests I meet her i get kinda upset. THe first time I said firmly NO and he didn't see her either (even though i told him to go by himself if he wants, duh) and this time, a year later, i wanted to meet her but i was nervous and he just went without telling me!!

He said he did it to I woulnd't be in a difficult spot trying to decide what to do again.

He apologised for doing it a million times.

I DON"T GET HOW EXs CAN BE FRIENDS AND TALK ABOUT THEIR RELATIONSHIPS AND ACT LIKE THEY NEVER DATED!!!

Any tips before I become a crazy jealous gf? We've talked about all this, yes. He says they're friends just like with anybody else HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? I feel like he put her above our relationship...
  • EXs CAN be friends (and even talk about bf/gf)
    Vote A
  • Exs CANNOT be friends
    Vote B
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Updates:
I forgot to say that they are friends because they both have a health issue and i understand that they care about each other plus she helped him when he was at his worst back in the day..

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Most Helpful Guy

  • I do think exes can be friends. If you've moved on then the romantic feelings are gone but there's still care and a certain bond. I think they make the best possible friends really; although clearly not always. I mean it doesn't sound like he puts her above your relationship, although he definitely should have told you about it. He does seem sorry though.

    It's just a matter of trust really on your part, which I'm not saying is wrong. But I do think it's believable that ex's can be friends.

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    • Thanks for your answer, but I still can't get it around my head, how can two people who have slept together etc just be friends? And not flirt or whatever? And the fact that I was upset before our trip and he just went ahead and did whatever he felt like, i mean, that shows me a need on his part to see her! which makes me feel tiny... It's just that it's the first time i'm like living with someone and i feel hesitant now, all these "what ifs..." And the more i talk about this with him, the more he feels like i don't trust him, so i stopped. but my head is full of questions, you know?
      thanks for the good points you made! broccoli is good for us

    • You know I don't know the guy so I couldn't say if he's really over her; but my feeling about it, from what it's worth, is that it seems like it. I think it's more an issue between the two of you and it doesn't really have to do with her. What it shows to me is a need for more openness. There's a good chance he didn't tell you because while he knows it's harmless, he also knows you don't believe him and don't trust him with her. Now that's not right, don't get me wrong, but it's understandable. And so are your doubts really, so like you know be a couple and talk about it and figure it out. She's just a distraction from the real issues.

    • Those are very good points! Because moving in together was a big move, and his health issue worries me too... So it's other things too that are building up... If only i could get her out of my head! Imll talk, thanks:)

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 1

  • This works both ways, so play on it, let him know that he should consider his feelings if you were to meet up with an ex, because treating someone as you want to be treated is a good way of always considering others before yourself.

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    • Thank you:) I canmt accept these friendships and i donmt feel it's fair that i got involved... Now i think about them a lot. Creepy and frustraing for me. He doesn't understand though. He acts like jealousy is silly.

    • The fact that he is willing to behave in a way that upsets you is him showing you little respect. If he truly cared about your feelings, he would understand why his behaviour upset you and do what he could to make sure it didn't happen again. Knowing that him being with his ex upsets you but still feels happy to continue with it. For me his feelings about your feelings being silly is what he is saying here, because jealousy might be an easy way to win this argument and say that it is silly, but really, its not jealousy, its the fact that he is willing to upset you knowingly, and obviously not really consider how it would make you feel, so ultimately, he is being pig headed and controlling. Maybe an out and out "I no longer care what you do" statement might make him realise that he is damaging what he has obviously taken for granted, ie YOU, x

What Girls Said 3

  • I'm friends with all my ex's, at least with the ones where the break up is mutual. I think it's possible to stay friends.

    I think the biggest issue here is that he sees her behind your back (and a million times, is it?). Did he only tell you about it when you found out about it on your own? Honestly, if my bf was not comfortable with me seeing my ex I can only assure him that it's within a group of friends, or that it's just for catching up and to always keep him updated. I tend to have really strong friendships with my ex's and I think never talking to each other just because the both of you have broken up is a waste and a little immature (at least for the cases when the break up is mutual.)

    All I can say is, let him know clearly what you don't like about this situation. Lying is a big red flag. If he has lied to you about meeting her then there is obviously something going on. Other than that, you have your friends, he has his. You wouldn't give up your friends for him would you? It is possible that they are just friends, at least I can tell you that as someone who still has platonic friendships with her exs. The only thing to look out for here, are the lies. If he's lying, then he's guilty about SOMETHING. If he can be honest about meeting her, and you still feel uncomfortable, then maybe you need to meet her yourself to put your mind at ease. Relationships requires trust... so trust him (assuming he trusts you) and know that being lied to and hurt by your sig. other is always a 50% possibility in all relationships. The big question is, are they worth the risk?

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  • I'm biased because I have been in a situation similar to this. It made me uncomfortable and upset. In the beginning of my relationship, he would do it behind my back - text her and such. She's the one who moved and he couldn't get over her. It got to a point where I really had to try to be confident in myself and what I have to offer. When she came home to visit, he asked me if it was okay to see her, but I almost felt like I didn't really have a choice. Because if I did say no, I feel like he would have resented it and done it anyway (I guess that says a lot). But as far as I know now, they no longer talk at all. It's hard when you know two people were in love and spent a good chunk of time together, and to accept that residual feelings may always linger. I had to understand that our relationship wasn't theirs, and that is was okay that our love is different than theirs, because I am not her!

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    • Thanks that shows a lot of confidence on your side and you handled it really well! I feel like imm miles away from being where you are now... I am confident, it's just that moving in with my bf was a big issue, and he has a health condition which i worry about and used to keep bottled in... So it's other stuff too. But honestly i don't understand how thy can be such good friends! He doesn't get why imm jealous, if only he did, i'd get over it. I keep thinking about her, a friend told me shems pretty and amazing etc, I canmt stop thinking about her and them... How did u stop the madness? There's only so much you can tell your bf... I imagine it gets fustrating for him

  • You guys are happy! Meet her, become best friends! Don't like the situation at all? Tell him you don't want him seeing her. That'll tell you something.

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    • if only we kept it simple from the very start, just like you're suggesting...! I just find it sooo weird to hang out with two people who slept together, were close etc Plus she's gorgeous and an actress and whatever so I feel like...! Weird!! i've never felt jealous like this before!! Thanks for making it breezy though haha

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