How do I break up with boyfriend of 4 years?

I've been having trouble with this one guy I've been in an exclusive relationship with for 4 years. He's 23 and I'm 22.
He's always had a problem with talking to other girls, even hanging out with them behind my back, and lying about going to parties/strip clubs.

Last Friday he said he had something to do and couldn't hang out with me until Saturday night, when he'd pick me up for our anniversary dinner.
Everything went well but I found out (from snooping) he was talking to another girl. They exchanged #'s via text at 6 AM Saturday morning and she had asked him how the rest of his night/morning went noon on Sunday.
He denied everything saying he met her outside his friends work wanting her car fixed by him. He said he couldn't have been with her because he went to bed around 4.

Then today, Tuesday morning I cornered him and told him I know everything (even though I don't). And he admitted to going out to an after-hours club after he had to do his thing on Friday , but wouldn't say anything else.

This is really hard for me to do. I wish I could stay with him, but the pain is unbearable. I can't stand all the lies. How do I leave this person and get over it?

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Personally my biggest problem with this (if I were you ) would be the lying and sneaking around. You both are still young and maybe he's not honestly ready to be 100% committed. Some people take longer to be ready for that, they still want to experiment and go around. That doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't care about you but you two are clearly on separate pages. When he disregards your feelings and sneaks around that is extremely disrespectful and you should not tolerate it.

    You shouldn't feel the need to snoop to trust him... so there has to be some trust and respect in this relationship. You need to be assertive and tell him flat out what you want and need from him to make it work.
    If he's not willing to put in the effort to make it work, that's on him. If he has a careless attitude, he probably doesn't care as much as he should. Therefore you shouldn't care if he doesn't. Don't give 100% to someone giving you 80%.

    All you can do is let him know that you aren't getting what you need and so you are breaking up with him. Ask him how he'd feel if it was you sneaking around and hanging out with or texting other men behind his back... its just not okay to be shady like that.

    Its one thing if both people are aware of what's going on, its out in the open, and there is no deceiving. If he's truly doing nothing but talking why hide it? If he really wants you in his life and to be serious, he will put in the effort to gain your trust and keep the relationship going.

    Do not feel guilty or second guess yourself for demanding what you need in a relationship. You can't just sit by and push your feelings to the side.

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    • thank you! so much for taking the time to write me all this.
      I'm so surprised that when I read my own posts about, him I sound really possessive or just a needy girl and I'm thankful to have responses like yours to keep me a little more sane.

      I'll try talking to him again... it's just extremely hard to deal with all this as I'm a young adult with a 9-5 Monday- Friday job...
      You are right though... I guess I'm not asking too much...

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    • I tell him idc if he has female friends and goes out... That it all depends on his intentions and as long as he doesn't cheat or act inappropriately then in fine, and as long as he stops lying too. Then he goes on to telling me I deserve a guy that will give me more, then I tell him that I want to be able to have male friends too and not feel guilty about it, then he doesn't know what to say

      He only will go into how he can try to make things work and that he's probably going to mess up and he tells me if we agree to have friends of opposite sex we both may get tempted to cheat:/

    • Okay well my honest opinion is he's full of it. lol. I'm really sorry if that's too blunt or rude, that's not my intention. I read a few times he keeps saying its going to be hard to change or its going to be hard to be faithful... well I don't buy that. If you truly are as great to him as he's saying that wouldn't be a problem at all. Whatever you do I hope you are happy, just please don't let him manipulate you or disrespect you like that.

      There's no excuse not to put in the effort and be honest and faithful. That's just a scummy cop out. If he really has no self control like an animal maybe he shouldn't have female friends. But that's kind of sad that he can't just a friend and not betray you... so... I don't know.

      Like I said I just hope you are happy and doing okay.

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What Guys Said 2

  • I can tell you why he's doing it, because I did the same thing with my ex gf of 3,5 years 2 years ago.

    It's not like he's cheating on you, he's just talking to girls behind your back because he might feel that talking to other girls would make you mad or jealous.

    All you need to do is tell him that it's OK that he talks (emphasis on talk) to other girls so long as he doesn't hide it from you and does it behind your back.

    4 years is a very long time, I doubt he's doing this because he's cheating - serious, I really doubt it. After 4 years I'd expect a guy to be very close with the girl.

    Give it a try, just tell him how you feel.

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    • Thank you for your reply!
      Yes, we have talked about having friends of opposite sex. I always have told him I don't wanna make him feel trapped... like in a box while with me and that it's okay to have friends of opposite sex if we're just talking... no one has feelings for the friend or there's no sexual tension. But he said that's not what he wants.

      So I'm just confused... I'm thinking maybe he just has double standards.

      He just goes on saying that he doesn't want boundaries on our relationship but he said he won't do things if I'll break up with him from it. But this was before I caught him with his false alibi of sleeping when he was really out partying doing coke.

      It's a tough situation... really complicated...

    • HA! Tell that to the guy, whose GF was fucking his best friend for 5 out of 9 years they were in a relationship.
      Length doesn't necessarily equal honest commitment.

    • I'm not saying what I said reflects to all people, she's just a dirty c*nt who doesn't deserve any one.

      Communication between you and your boyrfriend is what your couple needs right now.

  • You have to just be honest with him and then distance yourself from him. Give yourself time to heal and focus on other things. Don't fall into the texting trap. You'll only end up back with him or end up forgiving him. Just focus on yourself and make yourself happy. I know it's difficult but if he can't be honest and he is creeping around then he shouldn't be in a relationship, never mind your thoughts on how he is treating you. Over time you might meet someone else and they will hopefully be everything he was not. Good luck and keep your head high. Smile and remember, you are worth far more than that. :)

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