Honest male responses needed: the most confusing break-up ever?

Alright gentlemen, this girl is in need of your brutal honesty!

I started dating this guy in January. He pursued me very hard, taking me on fun dates and telling how much he wanted to take me off the market. Initially I was hesitant to start dating exclusively having been through the relationship ringer in the last year. After we had been on a couple of dates and he continued to tell me that he wanted to date I finally agreed, feeling that he was a genuine guy who had my best interests in mind. By the end of February , my now boyfriend tells me he MIGHT have to move back to his home town to find work after he graduates in May. At this point we had become very close and he had told me he was in love with me. Within days I could feel him becoming distant even though we are still seeing and talking to each other regularly. By the beginning of March he tells me that he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship because it's not fair to me that he can't give me 100% while his location and career are up in the air. I expressed to him several times that I wanted to continue dating until he had to leave (if he had to leave) and that if he did we would explore our options when it came to that. So we have continued to see each other and date (unofficially) since and I have gone back an forth on getting him to commit to me while he is here. Yesterday I had barely heard from him and days and asked him what was going on. He said that he is in love with me but needs space to figure things out. He told me to go on dates and have fun, and that he'd be happy to take me out occasionally as friends. I made it very clear that I had no intentions of seeing other people, but that if space is what he needed I would give it to him. The truth is, I REALLY want to be with him. The question is, is this guy over me and using moving as an excuse to be non-committal, or should I hold on in hopes that he will realize our relationship is amazing and find a way to make it work?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • You need to pay strict attention to the two things he's said. l) "By the beginning of March he tells me that he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship because it's not fair to me that he can't give me 100% while his location and career are up in the air.
    2) "He said that he is in love with me but needs space to figure things out. He told me to go on dates and have fun, and that he'd be happy to take me out occasionally as friends."
    Both of these spells trouble for you regardless of what you want. I can't say that this guy is completely over you, but he's been trying to make it clear that he doesn't want a girlfriend right now. He may be giving you some excuses and he also may be exaggerating some things. Best for you to fact up to what's happening and let him go for now. Maybe in the near future you can contact him and ask him how things are going. If he's missed you and wants a chance to get back, he'll certainly bring it up. Meantime, be available to go on dates and have fun like he suggested. Good luck!

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    THIS IS NOT RELEVANT ANYMORE
    • Thanks for the honest response. I consider myself pretty in tune with the way guys think, and in any other situation I would apply the 30 day no contact rule and let him stew on his decision (not to be cruel, but it works) but the hard part for me is that I worry if I completely ignore him it will give him time to get over what we have instead of wanting to rekindle the relationship. I don't plan on contacting him (he asked for space) but what do I do when he contacts me? He sent me two snaps last night the latter saying goodnight. I didn't respond to either, but when that inevitable text comes do I ignore him completely, respond callously, or continue to act like the girl he's been dating for the last three months?

    • You made some good points. I say it's best to take it as it comes rather than some preplanned plan. If you truly love this guy then go ahead and respond to the things he does, but with caution until you can really see how things are going and which direction. I wouldn't ignore him if I were you. If he says, "Goodnight" say the same back. If the inevitable text comes as you phrased it, respond according to your heart. We all makes mistakes so if you can see he's having a change of heart already, do like you said, " respond callously, continue to act like the girl he's been dating for the last three months, but respond callously". You'll know when he wants to drop you. Until that time comes, be the sweet girl you've always been. Good luck once more. :)

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What Guys Said 7

  • He's either trying to lessen the blow or pain of being separated from you or just knows in his heart that having a girlfriend right now is not the best thing for him at this time in his life. If you said he loves you but needs space to think about his options and what to do then he probably means it. He has a lot on his plate. He's carrying your heart and his own in his hands and probably is torn on what to do. I'm sure he has strong feelings for you, but doesn't know what to do cause in reality, long distance relationships don't really work out.. they always end up fading. I would take his advice. He cares about your feelings cause he encouraged that you go on dates with other guys.. he doesn't want to be the reason you get heart broken.. he probably doesn't want you heart broken at all. That's his care for you. You all haven't dated for long at all so it's okay for him to say this. I would give him the space he needs.. if you truly want him, go silent. Distance makes the heart grow fonder. But also for your own sake, I would start focusing on your life. Whatever happens will turn out for the best. Do what's right and what's healthy for you, even if in the beginning it hurts.

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  • Hey there!
    I can understand what you're going through, and I believe I can provide a honest opinion about this. Most men by nature are a bit hesitant when it comes to commitment in a relationship. They do pursue the woman they like because getting a date or getting into relationship with that woman would be an achievement for them. But once the woman says yes, the man's mission is accomplished so he may then not give as much importance to the woman. In extreme cases, the man may even try to aim for a 'better' woman (the definition of 'better' is highly subjective) because most men take pride in 'upgrading' their achievements (whether its in career, dating or something else). Women on the other hand, usually play hard-to-get because they want to be absolutely sure that he is the right man. But once they commit to a relationship, they're more likely to develop a deep emotional bond with the man, than the man towards the woman. Of course, there are exceptions to whatever I have mentioned, but I'm considering the most common scenarios.

    What I described in my previous paragraph pretty much sums up what *probably* happened in your relationship. See, if a person really 'loves' someone, he/she wouldn't even dream of asking for a break or space. The other person actually becomes a part of your life, so there really is no need for a 'break' (please don't confuse 'break' with 'breakup'). Also, even though most log distance relationships fail, it can actually still work if the couple truly love each other. Even otherwise, there is no harm in giving it a try, like you suggested him. But this guy isn't even giving a chance for that, so its likely that he is losing interest (or has lost interest) in you. This is a distant thought, but there is a small chance that he *may* have his eyes set on someone else.

    You might still be able to salvage this relationship, but that's only likely to be temporary. I hate to break it to you, but you're much better of without this guy.

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    • so... playing devil's advocate here. If this is not the case (he got me, and now he's on to greener pastures) what would your advice be if he is truly in love with me. I am a CATCH, and he knows it (I say that in the humblest way possible)

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    • Religion definitely isn't an issue. I guess the only reason I find it all fishy is bc if I were a dude dating a kick ass chick who expected nothing more than my remaining 6 weeks in town I'd keep seeing her

    • Exactly. You hit the nail right on the head with your last sentence. There really is no valid reason for him to ask for 'space' or deny commitment when you're suggesting so many ways of trying to make it work. Unless of course, he has lost interest in you and wants to let go of you in a graceful way and causing you the least amount of emotional pain (which definitely isn't working). You DEFINITELY deserve better. If I was in that guy's shoes, I would consider myself VERY fortunate to have someone like you and would never let go of you, even if you weren't a catch or a kickass chick.

  • Sounds like he was sincere but having to move away has him torn. He sounds like he is trying to lessen the hurt by pushing you away now. makes him feel less guilty if he doesn't think it will really work.

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    • What response on my part would make him feel it could work... have done long distance and am not opposed to it, told him I would move to him if we stayed together until I could come down there

    • The only thing I can see based on what you have said is to get him to meet with you and tell him exactly how you feel. put it out there. Again this is how my mind would work if I was him.
      If I am thinking I really care about you but you don't deserve this and it would be better to just push you away and have a clean break but my heart and feelings are there. then you taking the initiative shows me there really is a connection. And If my feelings match then it would convince me.
      Just be prepared that he may just feel the way he is telling you and realizes that he doesn't want to deal with relationships while he settles in. Depends on how much he values work. I am someone that always puts family (which would include any relationship) ahead of work aspirations. But some people work if first and formost. Sorry I can't be of more help to you.

  • Sorry but I think in his mind he has broken up with you. He may have an interest in someone near his home town. May is only weeks away. You could keep yourself off the market for a couple of months to see what happens but I'd place the chances of your staying together at about 15%.

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  • It sounds very much like he loves you so much that he has difficulties not seeing you as much as you apparently do, and are apart from each other. With enough distance, he can deal with it emotionally. But if there are too many short periods of being together and withdrawal from that it becomes too hard to deal with.

    Picture this: you see him the whole weekend every time but not during the week. And then every Monday and Tuesday and maybe Wednesday he will only think about you and feel miserable and depressive that you are not around. Or pick whatever timeframes, everyone is different with that.

    He probably also wants to be reasonable and not get you two in a relationship situation that would be hurtful to both of you. Maybe he doesn't really know how you feel and how easy or difficult it is for you two to be apart. If you REALLY wanted to be with him so much and neglected your studies and exams, future life and whatever for that purpose that is not so intelligent.

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    • He most definitely knows how I feel. I told him that I love him and that if it came to it I would relocate next fall to be with him. At this point all I have asked of him is that we date exclusively until he leaves. Losing him t distance would hurt less than knowing the guy I'm in love with is still here and not see him :/

  • He needed to leave, but he wanted to have you forget him as to close so you wouldn't be to heartbroken

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    • So if that is the case, and I want him back (keep in mind he may not move) am I better off ignoring him for a bit (making him realize what he's lost) or stay in mild communication with him (so he knows I'm not going anywhere)

    • Mild, I mean don't just kill the relationship, Mild and if he doesn't good news for you, Try to get a little closer

  • Jeez, thats a tough situation!

    men are really bad at committments!

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What Girls Said 1

  • He needed to leave and wasn't ready for a relationship or didn't want to be in one yet. But he knew how you felt towards him so he kind of gave you an opening to protect your feelings from getting hurt

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