How long does it take to let go of the hate that came along with being dumped?

My ex-bf dumped me months ago. He's my first bf. I know we won't be back together. I don't feel as bad as before, but somehow I am still feeling the hate that came along with the break-up

He broke up with me without the guts of telling me he wanted to end it until I called (instead of texting) after at least one week of him being really distant (and he told me himself that he originally planned to just let it fade out instead of telling me we're done).
He called me names while we are in the relationship when I was trying my best to communicate at that time (and I admit I could have acted better).
And I was in a really bad self-blaming phase (not that I am completely out of it) for months because I couldn't stop thinking about why we broke up and how I may have done things that ultimately lead to the break up, and the names he called me made me hate myself because I realized he's probably right, and I knew I could have done better

He's probably very happy to have dumped me and moving on with his life, while I can still sometimes feel the remnants of the break-up. I remember three months after the break-up, I found out on FB that he finally had a new job, I was there for him for months when he's still looking for one, it gutted me a bit and I feel like a bad person.

I know it's not healthy to hate. But I feel like the only way to feel better about myself is to be better than him, keep telling myself that I need to work hard and graduate since I know I will get a job and be much more successful that him, and it makes me sound like a bad person

How long does it take to finally stop hating? I am scared that whenever I looked at my first relationship, all I can feel is hatred, to him and to myself


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Most Helpful Guy

  • What causes you to hold onto so much hatred toward him? What caused the breakup? How long have you guys been broken up? Those are key things. Why do you hate him and/ or yourself for the breakup? In most cases, it just takes time to heal. Think about the situation you're in and how much damage it's doing to you. It's obviously damaging your mental/ emotional health. I think you should dig deep within yourself and ask yourself why you truly hold on to hate/ self-blaming toward him or yourself. You mentioned that you think he's right? If you did something wrong or maybe you feel uncertain about how you may or may not have done something wrong, I would let him know. Apologize. Did he do anything wrong or apologize for any of his actions? Hearing your side of the story, it sounds like you were blinded by your own hate toward the relationship that you haven't humbled yourself down to maybe apologize about anything... Even if you didn't do anything wrong you're still allowing healing to take place within yourself and maybe for him as well if you go to him and make things right.

    I will tell you from experience that holding on to hate will only damage yourself. It will only weigh so heavy on your heart that you won't enjoy life to it's fullest. It's like holding on to grudges... DON'T DO IT! Resenting someone hurts yourself more than it hurts that person so just think about it.. If you think he has done something wrong and he hasn't apologized for it, then let him know about it. Let him know it bothers you. You'll be so relieved and surprised once you forgive the one's who hurt you and you ask for forgiveness as well.. forgiveness is what heals the heart and replaces hatred with love and happiness that things are restored. Maybe you need to forgive yourself as well? Don't hold those feelings in, they will tear you apart overtime.. but i do encourage you to go talk to him about it since it's hurting you so bad. Good luck and hang in there :)

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    • the reason he gave me was "we are comfortable but it doesn't mean its going to go anywhere." he said he's been thinking for a few weeks and i was getting obsessed w the realationship.
      we had an argument a month before BU. i was hoping to tell him how i felt ignored or umappreciated when he play his phone and I am the one always go all the way to his place. i know i shdnt be emotional, it didn't go well n he said sth hurtful but we never talked about it again. the following week i bickered a bit (it's short but still its bickering) when we text and he called me dram queen
      i realized i sometimes can be not that pleasant, or bicker about things that actually is not a big deal (i mean he called me drama queen everytime) i could have used better words that sound less like nagging. men hate that rite?
      we never talked. about the break up. and i never really sure if the above is why he dumped me.
      i would want to apologize. but i bet he doesn't want to hear it...

    • One of the most crucial things in a relationship is communication. You should've communicated your feelings to him. Yeah most guys don't like girls who bicker or nag... especially on useless topics. We understand girls do this but at least be aware of it is what we want. He probably dumped your for that reason.. maybe you started stressing his life out more that making it enjoyable from nagging him about whatever. Most guys don't want to put up with that so they leave.. as a man they don't feel respected. I think if you text, call or just contact him somehow to apologize in a sincere way, he'll appreciate it. I think you'll do yourself a disservice if you don't apologize to him. You'll open new doors to restore your relationship with him so you won't look back at your first relationship with hate but you'll feel good about yourself cause you stood up and did the right thing

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What Guys Said 1

  • It'll never go away. Women take that shit to the grave.

    Males will take 3-6 months to get over it.

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What Girls Said 1

  • You'll stop hating him, when you get your self esteem and dignity back. Getting dumped is always a blow no only to your heart but to your ego. It'll take some time and you will need to be extra nice to yourself. Sure you made mistakes, but honey, its extremely rare that a girl's (or any person for that matter) who deosnt mess up on her first try. So stop blaming yourself and treating yourself like crap, its not going to help you at all, actually it will make things worse cause you'll be more scared on your next relationship and fear is the killer of romance. So, move on with dignity, confront your feelings, and feel them and then move on.

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