It's Not You, It's Me: Identify Your Part in Failed Relationships

Do you take half of the responsibility for your failed relationships? Have you heard the old saying: "The common denominator of all your failed relationships is you"?

Do you think you're just having bad luck? Are you the one giving your all and it seems no one is just as good as you? Well, read on, Common Denominators – because it’s time to start learning from some of your (subconscious) mistakes.

I always end up with people with problems. True, everyone has their share of problems, so you’re not going to ever really get away from this one. But those who are constantly causing trouble, victims of their own circumstances can be avoided if you stop thinking of yourself as someone who saves people. It never works. Risk your position as being the “good person” in the relationship by finding someone better than you. Sometimes (subconsciously), people are afraid that if they get involved with someone better, it won’t give them the opportunity to play victim if things go wrong.

It's Not You, It's Me: Identify Your Part in Failed Relationships

I never see it coming. I meet them, and they always end up using me. Users (ie. Manipulators) are looking for you. They end up latching on to something that they know you want and play a game of this-for-that. You might end up wanting your end of the bargain just as much, and in the end – you both end up thinking you’re both in the right. To quote Dr. Phil (who I don’t really like quoting), “You tell people how you want to be treated.” Subconsciously or not, your words and actions say it all. If you don’t want to be used, then don’t dole out your money or body to impress, and don’t waste your car’s fuel, your personal resources, and especially your time thinking it will impress them if the circumstances continuously favour them and not you.

I always get shit on in the end. In most cases, the harshest breakups are usually the cause of extreme frustration. It’s no surprise that cheating, deceit, abuse, and other like-things that cause tremendous hurt at the end of a relationship cause ugly breakups. So if you haven’t cheated, lied, or harmed your new love, why so much drama? Many things can cause such frustration, such as the person’s space and decisions not being respected. If a guy claims he loves his girlfriend so much all he wants to do is love and squeeze and kiss and hold her as much as possible – he thinks he’s doing things right. She calls it smothering, he calls it affection – who is right and wrong? If a guy tells a girl it’s not working out, but she constantly texts and shows up at his workplace to try and change his mind, things like this could eventually make him snap. She thinks she’s being persistent and showing how much she’s fighting for him. He calls it stalking. Reasons like this are why people feel they keep getting “shit on” after each time they try their hardest. If you're constantly causing someone grief with your well-meaning behaviour, it might be time to consider changing how you've been showing your love.

Get Out of Your Hamster Wheel

By taking some time to analyze the effort you give in a relationship, you might be able to find clues as to why you seem to attract the duds, or end up being the one hurt due to a poor choice in a mate.

You can start by admitting that maybe your standards aren’t working. If you find that you only like blondes, consider that you’ve just narrowed your dating margin because of something trivial like hair colour. This can apply to many features and character traits. Yes, we have preferences – but learning how to expand one’s horizon might actually prove there is something else in a person you have been missing out on that you find replaces the physical preference.

Ask a friend if they’ve noticed a pattern in YOU when you date.

They might easily come up with, “Yeah, you always seem to have sex right away,” or, “You don’t care about your family and friends every time you get together with someone.” These might be things you may not even know you do that if corrected, might change the pattern of “bad luck”.

Get rid of the deadweight.

If you have idiot friends who are cramping your style when you go out, maybe it’s time to take in your social inventory. Look at who monopolizes your time and attention in-person and on social media. If you know they should be reined in, then do it. Potential partners usually notice the company you keep – and yes, it does say something about you.

Above all, if you’re happy while you’re single, you’ll be happy when you’re in a relationship.

Ignore the people who try and set you up if you aren’t ready, or people who think you’re less of yourself without someone. If you’re not ready, people with poor relationship skills will target this and it never starts (or ends) well.

You are worth someone giving their A-game in a relationship. Settling on things that you traditionally have found important might not be enough. Take an honest look at your role in relationships-past and find out what it is in you that needs to change in order to attract the best person for you.

Ozanne is a GirlsAskGuys Editor
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Most Helpful Guy

  • "If happy when single, you'll be happy in a relationship."

    Never realized until I've had it both ways that I can be very needy, insecure, grandiose, and depression-prone. Translates to a great writer / artist, but not so good at everyday living. Or, at maintaining a romance, for that matter.

    I find it's better when the gal finds and tries to peg me, rather than the other way around. That way, I can decide if I want to pursue. And if I do, I can evaluate the situation of her and me both, and reach a mutual conclusion on whether or not we're truly what each other needs, or if we're better off as just friends. Without all the hard feelings and ego strife.

    I otherwise tend to look for the cases that draw my sympathy. For the gals that have no rational basis to reject me. And then I usually discover just how irrational they can be.

    "Everyone deserves a fair trial," I tell myself regarding women. Sadly, many of them don't hold up in court.

    The trick is to not get overly discouraged; which is an easy mistake to make when the situation at times feels hopeless.


Most Helpful Girl

  • I've identified my part in failed relationships. I'm very guarded with my emotions, it's very difficult for a lot of people to get my walls to come down. I don't trust easily and even when I do, I still find it hard. I'm cold and distant a lot in relationships. They're something that I want, I just don't know how to love or let others love me.


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What Guys Said 8

What Girls Said 6

  • And when I actually say that it's my fault that my ex cheated on me, you guys tell me that it's not my fault and he was the jerk and I'm okay and shit. I'm already confused as hell.

    Yea he cheated on me and it's my fault that I did not bleach my skin to look lighter for him. I should have starved to bring skinnier for him. It's my fault that I loved myself.

    And now comes comments saying it's not my fault. Lol hypocrites.

    • @CubsterShura - NO, it's not your fault when something like that happens! I'm sorry you had to go through that. I've been there, so trust me I know what it's like. However - you can take away something from your experience, such as why you chose the guy in the first place. My cheaters for the most part had things in common, so I had to stop the cycle of selecting a guy that had the same triggers.

    • The only thing I learned is that nowadays it's impossible to distinguish a good guy from a bad guy.

  • Another great submission!

  • Very good points you have brought up. Thanks for sharing. :)

  • very true :/

  • Good insight

  • so true