How I’m Conquering Insecurity in Relationships

How I’m Conquering Insecurity in Relationships

I am a 25 year old woman and I suffer from low self-esteem. I’m writing this MyTake to share my experience and how I’m making steady, positive changes. I hope to reshape my way of thinking and also to help others.

I have recently been diagnosed with GAD and currently receiving medication and counselling. The diagnosis has been a relief and the medication is helping but this is only temporary. The real work comes down to YOU.

Anyway, I’m going to talk about my low self-esteem and how it’s manifested in my current relationship with my boyfriend of 4 months and how I intend to kick its ass.

It’s important to note you’re SO is not responsible for your happiness. You are. My low self-esteem is fluid; 95% I’m happy and relaxed around my boyfriend. Cliché as it sounds, but he’s completely different to other guys I’ve dated as he’s battled his own (and worse) demons in the past.

This is a guy who understands mental health and how shit it can be, but of course, everyone has their limits.

I can be having a perfectly good day with my boyfriend and my mood can change dramatically. All it takes is certain words or if he’s not acting in a way I expect i.e. anticipating a hug or a kiss, or if I think he’s not affectionate enough … everything goes downhill from there.

Things came to a head last month. I’ll start from the beginning: I arrived at his apartment after finishing work in good spirits, with visions of us whiling away the evening with a good film and the standard Friday night beverages. Unfortunately, my boyfriend had had a hard day at work and was feeling particularly grumpy (side note: he’s never directed his moodiness at me and always apologizes for his behavior.) but he brightened up because I was there with him.

Nevertheless, he wasn’t behaving in the way I was expecting in my mind. I expected him to be more affectionate. I expected him to be more positive. With these poisonous, negative thoughts suddenly flowing through my mind, I automatically wanted to be alone. So I went out for a cigarette by myself to compose myself. My boyfriend thought this behavior was odd, as normally smoke together but he shrugged it off.

By this point, my mood had sank considerably and my thoughts became darker. I looked and felt thoroughly depressed. I felt worthless, but I kept the true reasons to myself and blamed my sudden mood change on tiredness and stress with family issues.

So we went to bed and curled up. He cuddled me as usual, but even this didn’t stop my thoughts. I felt ashamed at myself for feeling this way and my thoughts were out of control. I felt close to tears.

By morning, I couldn’t even summon the energy to get out bed as I felt so down but I knew it wasn’t fair for my boyfriend to see me like this. So I explained that I was feeling emotionally fragile; I was worried about my Grandfather going through chemo and because I was behaving like this, I felt like I was wasn’t good enough for him.

My boyfriend listened and gave me a hug. As per usual, this hasn’t been the first time where I’ve voiced that I feel like I’m not good enough and he told me firmly that this was the happiest he’d felt in a relationship. I promised that my mood would change for the rest of the day and it did. He gave me the reassurance I needed. A part of me felt bad that he had to give me that reassurance - was I being too much of a burden?!

The second incident of when my self-esteem reared its ugly head was on a Sunday night. It was over something so ridiculous and the conversation which followed has given me a huge wake up call.

We’d enjoyed a wonderful day together and we were settling down to bed to watch a film. And what triggered my negative thoughts?! … He didn’t put his arm around me properly. Utterly ridiculous right?

I cringe now as I type this. I sat up and moved away, hoping he would move his arm but he ended up unconsciously folding it across his chest. He asked me if there was anything the matter, but I didn’t say anything because I was thinking so hard on what to say. Namely, I was too embarrassed to admit the true reason.

I lifted his arm and we lay for a while but to me, it felt forced. I felt that he should have been the one to initiate the cuddle. When these thoughts crept up, I sat up again and got a drink.

By this point, he was getting increasingly annoyed and I knew I’d messed things up. So I told him. I’ve explained already that he’s dealt with a few moments of insecurity similar to this, but unsurprisingly, this was the worst. I apologised profusely for my behaviour but he said that the apologies were beginning to sound empty which I can understand.

For the second time that weekend, I said that I felt like I wasn’t good enough and nobody should have to deal with this craziness. I knew that I’d acted ridiculously, especially for my insecurities. My boyfriend agreed that it would be too much to handle if this was a frequent occurrence (he expected it to maybe happen a few more times).

For what kind of relationship would that be? He also said that his own previous mental troubles in the past would be triggered and that he wouldn’t be able to deal.

However, he expressed that he would go to great lengths for our relationship and that this was one of the happiest he’d been in but I solely agreed that this display of my insecurities was one of my most extreme and nobody should have to deal with it.

So what did we do next? Well luckily, we both move on very quickly from moments like these. We both had Monday off, and I woke up the next morning determined to make some fucking serious changes in my way of thinking. I know my boyfriend is a good’un, and I’m not going to ruin what is turning into one of my best relationships. I don’t want to bring drama to the relationship.

We had an amazing Monday, and whenever I felt my negative, insecure thoughts resurfacing, I would combat them with rational explanations and long deep breaths to calm myself. I would tell myself sternly I was being ridiculous and that my boyfriend suddenly does not love me less.

Has this worked? Yes. I am happy and relaxed, and I can see this reflected on him too. The therapy has given me useful tips to view myself in a more positive light, but to be honest, I did this myself after that conversation my boyfriend and I had.

I’m proud that I am slowly retraining my thoughts and seeing the results. I’m still completing the journey, but I’m on the right path.

If you can relate to this MyTake and it has helped in some way, then I’m glad. We are all deserving of love and we shouldn’t be so hard on ourselves. It’s just a question of seeing it ourselves and the journey to getting there.


11|5
2021

Most Helpful Guy

  • I'm well aware that most of the problems lie with myself, not with her. Because being without anyone for so long has forced me to see it. That being said, to hear the gal just once say: "I have no intention of leaving you" would convince me that I'm finally doing something right.

    I gave up on one LDR too soon. Now I'm in another. And even though it's just as likely to not work out, I am giving it all I have. Because the one I gave up on too soon has filled me with guilt ever since. (That, and what I attempted to settle for locally, fills me with disgust.)

    Better to shoot for a star you will never have, than to seek a partner amongst a septic tank culture.

    1|0
    0|0

Most Helpful Girl

  • Yea I can relate to that
    I think anyone can cause we all have our insecurities even if unsaid.
    Being open about it is great cause I think a lot go through with this on their own without ever sharing their difficulties and calling out for help.
    Acknowledging it is also part of the healing process.
    I think it is pretty hard to figure out your self worth when you care and need so much approval for others before having you own approval. Adding to the fact that everyone demands and expects different stuff from you makes it even harder, adding to it a constant comparison to others.

    2|0
    0|0

Join the discussion

What Guys Said 20

  • You've done well, good on you.

    1|0
    0|0
  • Good too see a topic that needed to be covered. I hope you continue to love, believe, and support yourself as you pursue the best version of yourself and not the version others want you to be!

    When I have negative thoughts I just try to let them go because I know I need to take it easy my and manage my stress levels.

    Cheers, God Bless

    0|0
    0|0
  • "A beautiful women can make herself look ugly in the eyes of a man if she is very insecure" very unlikely!

    2|0
    0|0
    • Thanks for the opinion! I'm interested in why you disagree with the above quote? :)

    • Show All
    • I see. I've been diagnosed with GAD and I'm currently going through some hard family issues which has triggered by insecurities. This has been the most challenging period of my life, but other than that my moods are completely normal. I'm on a mild dosage of antidepressants for the first time on a temporary basis to help with the GAD temporarily and also the stress of personal matters. Luckily, it's best for to change to happen now early on the relationship than having it crop up further down the road.

    • Hope it isn't an SSRI, horrible medication

  • "We are all deserving of love" - never stop telling yourself this, because it's true.

    I've seen aspects of this kind of thing with some of the girls I've dated. I don't think it's especially uncommon, although it's always regrettable.

    People should read this take, it's a good one.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Well written.

    1|0
    0|0
  • Thank you

    1|0
    0|0
  • You wrote this good xx

    1|0
    0|0
  • Good job

    1|0
    0|0
  • Thanks for sharing, it's great that things are looking up!

    1|0
    1|0
  • It shows you are brave from inside and you have heart of warrior, you just need to fight it and become strong.

    1|0
    0|0
  • well said

    1|0
    0|0
  • Don't mind me just here for the extra xper points

    1|1
    0|1
  • Most women get breast implants.

    0|1
    2|2
  • Sum of us just get to many wrong 1s an say not for me

    0|0
    0|0
  • Excellent take!

    0|0
    0|0
  • A female with low self-esteem is as rare as a bird without wings.
    MOST females act the way you stated.

    0|0
    1|0
  • good luck girl

    1|0
    0|0
  • You're my hero.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Thank you

    1|0
    0|0
  • well done iv had some insecurities
    growing up feeling contuse of being skinny
    also feeling like a failure comparing my self to others.

    1|1
    0|0

What Girls Said 19

  • Damn I read this from start to end and it is SO much relatable. I was facing similar issues since past few days and guy I like has been very supportive. And the poor thing was sick this whole week... Still he was very patient with me.. and there was a point when I hit my lowest and said something I shouldn't have... And still he handled it so well..

    Now that I am out if that episode, I really feel guilty for outting him through so much trouble. Because I decided that I will not let my low self-esteem come between our relations since it's not worth it.

    I don't think of myself highly now but I've decided not to be sad over it.

    Thank you so much for sharing this...
    It was so relaxing to know that I am not the only one with these issues.. and Very well written too

    1|0
    0|0
    • Thanks for the supportive comment and I'm really pleased to hear it's helped somewhat :)
      The important thing (and also the hardest) is to not try and dwell on those moments where we have our moments of insecurity. If the person your with is the right one, they will understand, and you owe it to yourself and to the relationship to reshape your way of thinking and love yourself in order to succeed. Hell, I'm still reeling about what I've written above and cringing. I still have that niggling seed of doubt he'll decide he doesn't want to be with me anymore, but I tell myself that's only negative thinking and just your own interpretation.
      If my boyfriend DOES decide he wants to bail, then I will know that I did all I could to make myself better and will continue to do so for myself :)
      I hope things go well with this guy :)

    • Well even I cringed as I looked at older messages I sent to my guy, filled with insecurities...

      I wish it works out with him...
      And good luck to you too!

  • Great job lady!

    1|0
    0|0
  • I'm happy for you that you're working on your insecurities coz being in a relationship with someone who is insecure is reallt draining.

    1|0
    0|0
  • I'm sometimes the same way too. I feel horrible when I don't feel his affection or if he doesn't talk to me that much in the day because he's busy. I'm glad you're improving yourself and I hope I can someday too.

    1|0
    0|0
    • Good luck hun :)

  • Thanks for this!

    1|0
    0|0
  • Very good ^_^

    1|0
    0|0
  • is this arya from got in the first pic?

    1|0
    0|0
  • Seriously this is so me. I tend to overthink, overanalyze situations and people and this ruins my day 😣😑

    0|0
    0|0
  • Very good take on things

    0|0
    0|0
  • This is a really good take. We all feel like this sometimes.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Yesss

    0|0
    0|0
  • Interesting Take

    0|0
    0|0
  • Well written

    0|0
    0|0
  • You deserve the best!

    1|0
    0|0
  • Wow. I'll be honest, I couldn't handle a relationship with someone like that. That would be extremely taxing on both people. I'm very glad you're getting help for this. It sounds like you need it. Everyone has insecurities but you're on a whole new level. I had no idea things could be that bad.
    I'm sorry, I know that all sounds like me being a bitch and all snarky, it's really not how I'm trying to sound. I just really had no idea this level existed.
    I really am truly glad you're getting help for this. It cannot be healthy to constantly be in your head and upset over not enough hugs and your boyfriend not properly cuddling you.
    I couldn't imagine many people, guys eapecially, dealing with this type of issue. He really does seem to be a good one to handle things so well. Lucky girl.
    I'm glad you're on the right path. Keep up the good work! Good luck!

    2|0
    0|0
    • Hey! Thanks for the opinion and I appreciate your view. Just wanted to say I completely agree; I wouldn't be able to handle a relationship like that with someone either if insecurities flared up constantly. Insecurities can run at all different levels depending on people's past or ongoing experiences. Fortunately, I only feel like that a very small minority of the time, but even then, some people probably won't be able to deal... which is okay. I know I'm very lucky to have found someone who helps me and understands, despite us only being together for a few months. But as I said, everyone has their limits, and the last I want to do is make him fall back into a deep depression.
      He also lost an immediate family member not long ago and was close to falling back into that dark place ears ago. Tough time, but I supported him and understood what he was going through.
      He knows I've got his back, and he's got mine.

  • Great reading, I am happy for you! Wish you two lots of love and happiness in the future

    1|0
    0|0
  • I'm insecure too so I don't bother dating. I somehow end up siking myself out and convince myself that the guy doesn't actually like me. I essentially sabotage myself from any chance of a relationship but I'm trying not to.
    Like i seriously try to stop doubting myself

    1|0
    0|0
  • Good for you!

    1|0
    0|0
  • Good for you!

    1|0
    0|0
Loading... ;