Something sparked thoughts on my first relationship and it led me to the conclusion that I was actually just as horrible as he was.
We dated for about a year, we never had real issues or at least we never argued. However, for me personally there were several moments where I felt like ending it or felt like we were more friends than bf/gf. At a point it was hard for me to see it going long term, there were things about him I wanted to change. Despite those feelings and thoughts I never left. I held on to this hope that with time he could be the man I wanted and I just needed to wait it out. That's where I feel as though I was just young and dumb.
It was selfish and horrible of me for sort of putting up this front that we were fine and nothing was wrong. I never shared my thoughts with him and that was wrong of me. It makes me feel like I used him.
The relationship ultimately ended when he cheated on me. His reasoning, he just didn't love me anymore. Not that cheating is right, but I almost understand why he got to that point. Don't get me wrong, it was still very hurtful that he would disrespect me like that and not have the balls to end things. However, I can't even be hurt about the lack of love because how could I expect him to when I didn't love him either. I felt like I had to love him just because we were together for almost a year and forced myself to think that I did but I actually didn't.
I just wanted to get that out.