He/she doesn't respond to texts right away. Is this relationship doomed?

[OlderAndWiser]

At least there is SOME humor in this DM!

I have a smartphone (soon to be replaced with a S21 5G.) I use WhatsApp and Skype. I send text messages almost every day. So, I'm not really a total dinosaur!

I'll bet Mr. and Mrs. Dinosaur didn't go to sleep every night spooned together!

But I don't send many text messages to my girlfriend. That's because I do a much better job of communicating with her: when we need to talk about something, I call her and we actually talk - voice-to-voice - in real time, and in just a few minutes, I accomplish more than most people accomplish with 20-30 minutes of texting.

I just don't get the obsession with texting. How many misunderstandings have you had with someone because of a DM that was misunderstood? Naybe autocorrect did one of those infamous changes and you didn't notice it. Maybe you said something, intending it as a joke, but they didn't realize it was a joke and thought you were being serious about something. You couldn't hear the tone of voice, the pause in their words, the intonantion, and all of the other cues that are imbedded in voice communications and lost in DMs.

Bet this conversation would have gone differently if it had been a phone call instead of a text!

If this person you are teting is your boyfriend or girlfriend, why don't you want to hear their voice? Why don't you want to call for a few minutes and have a break from what may otherwise be a dreary day? Why is it so awful to call them? Wouldn't you like to receive a call from your honey? Or are you so socially awkward that you can't handle it?

From my perspective, DMs are great for "pls stop and get a gal of milk on your way home" or "call me when you get out of your meeting." But sending a DM to ask "why don't you want to go out of town with me this weekend?" is the cowards way out of having a real discussion about the topic. And that discussion, regardless of the outcome, is one of many life events that help to build emotional closeness for a couple.

Calling to ask for a date, knowing that you might get rejected and feel awkward, takes courage but doing it builds confidence. I got rejected many times when I was a teen but it didn't kill me . . . and I worked beyond my lack of confidence.

"Damn, I wish I was out with OlderAndWiser right now!"

Hearing excuses like "OAW, I'd LOVE to go out with you Friday night but that's the night I wash my hair!" made me realize that rejection didn't mean that I had done something wrong or there was something constitutionally wrong with me; it might just be that there is something wrong with the girl. Or maybe we're just not a good match and she doesn't have enough character to be honest in her response. Those experiences taught me very much about dating and relationships. And I got over my fear of rejection.

I have even heard of someone texting to confess that they had cheated!

When I break up with a girl who I have dated more than twice, I do it in person. Yes, it would be quicker and easier to do it in a DM.

I'll admit that breaking up in person is never as funny as this text, but it always felt like I was doing the right thing.

You insist on doing everything via text, so you decided that you liked someone because of their texts, and then he asked you for a date via text:

Cute, but . . .!

You went on a date but you don't remember what happened because you spent most of the time texting your friends.

Enjoying their date! Hahaha!

Then he broke up with you via text, and now your biggest question is

WHY DIDN'T WE EVER ESTABLISH AN EMOTIONAL BOND?

the whole time that you were "together" (physically present in the same space at the same time,) you judged the quality of the relationship by how quickly he responded to your texts.

So the question is . . . when you ask why he doesn't respond to your texts immediately, are you asking the right question?

[19magic]

Tbh a lot of time I prefer texting for:

One, nobody can hear what I'm saying, I still live at home atm and having trouble moving out and the walls are paper thin. If I talk to someone even with the door closed it's not a private conversation, or people purposely walk in to listen in. So certainly not appropriate if you wanna have a chat or even in girlfriend/boyfriend talk dirty to each other.

Two, there are many things that are easier to write in a text and I feel there's more significance when it's words rather than speech. I can be a bit of a pushover and texting the things that's really been upsetting me or putting me down allows me to tell others what I'm feeling, while not being attacked or shouted at by family members or friends. As I really can't deal with it when people shout at me, whereas via text any reply I read I can think calmly and respond in an appropriate way; without either just accepting whatever is dished out at me, or saying something to specifically hurt that person.

Three, texts are convenient it's a reply at your lesuire and allows you to reply when you're not busy. Most of the time if I get a phonecall from family my initial thought is shit something's wrong. So a text as a warning, a quick chat or a funny gag suits me a lot better.

Four, when you don't see each other often or just getting to know someone there's never a lot to talk about so weekly phonecalls I just never know what to do or say. So what's up nothing much the same as last week I worked five days and then had the weekend off. A lot of time when I talk to people it's reminiscing old memories or things that were funny at the time. It's also why I like to hang out with 3/4 people at a time as there's enough conversation going on whenever it's just two a lot of time there's loads of awkward silences and I don't know what to say or do. I've always been told by everyone that the hobbies I have or like are boring so I've never really elaborated on any of those, unless it has already been established that they like it too then I wouldn't shut up but being social is hard a lot of the time.

And there you have it my four reasons for liking texts over phonecalls. Do you agree with any of them or think I seriously need to improve on myself lol.

[OlderAndWiser]

It sounds like you have some anxiety about dealing with conflict in a face-to-face conversation, but that is a necessary thing to be able to do when you are living with a partner. How will you develop the ability to handle such conversational?

I do understand the privacy issue!

[19magic]

I can handle a discussion or a disagreement normally it's you have your view and I have mine kinda thing. That I can do, but when people full on shout or scream at me I sorta break down. Like in my old work I made a mistake and accidentally burnt some food, my boss was within a meter of me pretty much screaming at the top of his voice and it took everything I had to try and stop myself from tearing up, and even when I did turn away from him I still let a few slip. And it was all about shame and not feeling good enough. I was only working there 3 weeks at the time and I was only doing part time.

[Likes2drive]

Yeah I’m noticing this with many women from online dating apps, we hardly ever talk on the phone, I was texting this one woman and I said let’s talk on the phone and she said would rather not at the moment and didn’t feel like it but had no problem continuing to text, I’ve only heard her once on the phone, still waiting to meet her if that ever happens, glad I haven’t made any mistakes texting with my spelling , and it takes her hours to get back to me and sometimes day goes by

[OlderAndWiser]

Aggravating, no doubt!

[Likes2drive]

Yeah it’s frustrating

[Desconhecida]

Interesting take. @OlderAndWiser
There are many reasons we text people these days.
Yes, maybe I'm "socially awkward" sometimes because it takes a while to be comfortable around new people. Maybe I'm insecure about my accent if I'm getting to know someone from a different country. Or maybe even waiting to see if the person on the other side of the screen is worth it.
In the past I had health issues that made things worse: I was constantly at the hospital, not able even to text, imagine having the strengh to answer phone calls.
You'd think people would understand that, right?
In the end it all comes to one thing: phone calls and texting don't matter if you are doing it with the wrong person.

••• By the way, I think your autocorrect is not working. 😂😉💋

[OlderAndWiser]

You have an accent? I wasn't aware of that!

Certainly there are exceptions to the general rule and I understand people being sick.

Does ANYONE's autocorrect work properly?

[Desconhecida]

Mine does. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Guy13]

Texts are good for Business, confirming plans, 30 minute notices and not good for much else> Certainly texting is no more useful in establishing relationships as online dating and LDR are. Willingness to exercise proximity in location and basic phone/voice calls says much too much about commitment levels.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

I agree with you 💯 people these days do most of their "communication" (if you can call it that) through text only and to me that's not the real way to "really" get to know someone, or build that connection

[EmyyWolf]

No. Right away no. Usually when I texted my lover, I gave him an entire day to answer me. And usually he’d answer after hours if he worked. And he works overnights which is entirely understandable.
But of course when he’s up and fully awake he’d answer maybe after a couple minutes or instantly, that’s were we could have our back to back conversation.

_______________________
When getting to know someone or beginning to date someone however, they shouldn’t be taking an entire day to answer you back out of respect and because usually new couples are all into each other. So.. if a male is doing some ignoring and you’re just getting to know him. That’s probably a BIG RED FLAG on its own, and the guy is literally using you to get some action and end it there. That’s some narcissist action right there.

Trust me, my lover and I have been casual friends for over 2 years and he’s never done something like that.

[OlderAndWiser]

The point of the myTake is that exchanging text messages is NOT having a conversation, especially an intimate conversation. t is an exchange of digital messages which have minimal content.

[spuitkaas]

Definitely not doomed. I would be okay with calling, however, sometimes I can't call because I'm in a meeting/with other people or in a place I'd rather not call. I think I could make it work though.
Thing is when women ask that, it's more that they want communication. If you care about someone, you're interested in what they're doing, how they're feeling or what happens in their life rn. You can't just be communicating only if you're together in person. Especially if you don't see eachother every day. So you need communication that works long distance to keep contact. At least, most people need and want this. You can't support a person you're not in contact with.

[OlderAndWiser]

And voice-to-voice communication is far more effective than texting.

[Alwayreckles93]

I am old school and very old fashioned I prefer a phone call or a talk face to face instead of texting behind a little screen. One time long time ago when I was 18 at that time I was dating this guy Justin he some how got this other girls number and my sister's number confused. My sister play a long to see if Justin was a womanizer.
My sister: Hi is this Chelsea's mom
Justin : No but if you're a girl you can keep text me.
My sister: Okay send me a picture
Justin : Sends a picture
My sister : So Hot , So are you single
Justin : Yeah I go to Oak Ridge Highschool and you?
My sis: Stupid dumb fuck this is Aubree sister you dumb ass Justin goes straight off calling me. . Me okay it's over we're done I see no need for explanation Justin. Justin I was only playing a joke on your sister Sure.

[magiusX26]

hello from a fellow tennesseean

[OlderAndWiser]

Sounds like "the joke" was on him.

[Alwayreckles93]

OlderAndwiser So true 😂 He later went off saying that my sister was trying to break us up. I read the whole text tread 😂 . I said goodbye lol

[Aerissa_Jade]

I am an awesome texter, but I still prefer a phone call with someone important, a two minute phone call is a time saver compared to 10 or 20 minutes of texting.

I always reply, but due to having a work phone and emails I've silenced texts and emails. I will check them when I have time and reply to them all, it is too annoying to have to stop what I'm doing every time I would hear the ding of a new one and reply.

If it is important they can call and discuss it, otherwise they can wait until I get around to it.

I also have older family members that can take a few days to respond to texts, they always do, I just do not see it as a fast communication method.

[DaveJord]

Well i agree that texts can misleading and that nothing beats the face to face or one on one interaction that one gets over the phone in live conversations.

But if some is not responsive in text, that is a clear indicator of potential issues. I text my girl good night and good morning every day, and we talk on the phone at least three to four times a week and see each other every weekend or make plans of we can see each other to meet somewhere during the week.

But she replies to ever text with, but we don't text each other to death... if send more than two or three texts the next one is her or me asking if we can call each other now or later... and she always calls when she says she would as do I.

[ArrowheadSW]

From my perspective, texting is a relatively new thing. It was only about twenty or maybe twenty two years ago when the average person started getting cell phones. At first people didn't text all that often anyway. It wasn't until maybe fifteen years ago when people even left them on all the time. So anyway I'm just saying this because I don't quite understand how texting has become so important as to expect a text to be answered immediately.

On the other hand I do use it as a means of communication for sure. It is a quick way to send someone a message without having to bother them with a phone call. To me it is a way of communicating without requiring an urgent answer.

I have a lady friend (she and I are not dating) who prefers to communicate by text. English is not her primary language so she sometimes has trouble understanding talking over the phone. If I need to tell her something right away, I'll call her though. Other than that, it is by text.

[Toast792]

Eeh. It's really a personal preference. From what I've seen, usually older people prefer calls over text, and the opposite for younger people (not always though). As an introverted person, I often prefer text, especially on days where I've already had to deal with people for an excessive amount of time. The people I've dated have always been able to understand that, and we were able to keep a healthy relationship. I still do enjoy calling people, it just can be a bit exhausting.. I do agree, however, that more important things (like breakups and stuff) should be done over a call, or, (preferably) face to face.

[Alyssa_11]

I hate texting - with friends, with partners with whoever. People can misread the tone, can take hours or days to respond for whatever reason, or can just forget to respond. And then the other person on the other end starts to overthink what they could have possibly done wrong. I am usually that person.

I would much rather have real interaction and if that's limited for whatever reason, a set phone-call date sounds good to me.

When I do get into a relationship, I would much rather we don't text all the time but actually *see* each other and *talk* to each other on the phone.

[Massageman]

Great points. Nice humor. Liked the shower pic: I'm sure she would.

It's so funny, not "ha-ha" funny, but "odd" funny.
Messages/emails were invoked so that we should respond when we "had time": we weren't tied down with "the phone": take care of your messages "in a cluster".
Now, if someone doesn't respond to messages/emails within two minutes, we seem to be given up for dead!

I regularly see 35-50 message strings- over a 2 hour period- among my wife and our grown daughters, with me as a cc recipient. I repeatedly ask why they just don't have a FaceTime /conference call, but - - - - - -no - - - - - I guess their fingers are still young enough to type all day.

[Jasmine-Darkfire]

Definitely, its over if he doesn't respond in like 2 seconds. I'm kidding of course, but I'd hope a few hours would be enough to get a response when someone is really busy. If your close to someone you should have a good idea of their schedule and when they are at work or school and not able to answer.

I figure, at work... texts only on lunch or breaks or when done. At school, same concept. Not sure why people think that others should text while on the job.

[king-dom1]

Well first of all, never, EVER catch any kind of emotional feelings for someone other than family, if he/she don't wanna reply maybe they are busy, don't be too damn eager cuz that's what's gonna kill the relationship. You need trust, but also if you trust too much it'll end bad.
So, if i were you, just nail and bail, you don't need a "special someone" to be happy.

[OlderAndWiser]

Sounds like you gave up after having a bitter experience.

[Adam1978]

I see them as a priority of the message. Especially today when you really can't expect to even get notified that someone sent you a message if it's done in an app you rarely check manually. So a text is something I check when I got time. It's not urgent, so whoever get annoyed because I don't answer fast. Is simply using the wrong medium. You call me if you need something urgent.

[AviatorTom]

Why do you think anyone should drop whatever they are doing and immediately respond to you? And why do you think that if they don't that's somehow damaging to your relationship? Show them some respect and let them take their time to respond.

Too many people today are in the mode of instant gratification. Why?

[MelonSoda]

I honestly prefer talking over the phone too. You're so right about texting and all the dumb misunderstandings. It's annoying and causes so many breakups, it's crazy. If you cannot see each other in person for the time being, just call or video chat or something. So many misunderstandings can be resolved just through doing that. Smh.

[pleasestopthis]

I agree on most points, talking in person takes courage and also a lot of people use texting as a coward way of out of some situations... but if a guy is going to meet up with me just to dump me, then I rather it be through text so I don't waste my time lol
I do text a lot, but I like to take my time and I also don't freak out if I don't get a reply right away. For important things I call, and I also call when I need to discuss something that takes time (if meeting in person isn't possible at the time)

[magiusX26]

this. in summary texting in and of its self is not really the problem, it is the reliance of only texting. have had times that texting actually conveyed what was needed better than verbal communication did. my philosophy on it is use a combination of all available communication types.

[awkward_author]

I prefer to text because it's always worked out better for my relationships. On top of that, I feel more comfortable doing so. I've always preferred writing when I'm not with someone in-person. It's just who I am.

[OlderAndWiser]

You have social anxiety?

[awkward_author]

A little. Why?

[OlderAndWiser]

Trying to understand why you would prefer to text rather than talk on the phone.

[awkward_author]

It's easier to multi-task, there's less pressure for me to respond right away, and I can respond quicker in a more coherent manner. Those are some of the reasons why I prefer texting.

[OlderAndWiser]

It is a horribly inefficient means of communication, especially for anything that has emotional signficance.

[awkward_author]

I disagree, but you're entitled to your opinion.

[katiesmuff]

This is a sensational mytake and something I agree with you 100%!

[OlderAndWiser]

Thank you, ma'am!