Why do women like CONFIDENCE in guys? How do you suggest I get mine back?

I hear a lot that women like confidence in men as if it's some sort of golden rule when approaching a woman. I, as a man always thought I was confident, but since my interaction with women currently is limited to approaching them in the online dating scene, I seem to have been behaving toward them much differently when I get to meet them in person.

I've sort of forgotten what confidence has felt like due to the amount of digital rejection I get when I send tons of messages and get nothing back. With the few dates I do go on, I usually think they go pretty well. (-and why wouldn't I? One of these elusive chicks finally met with me after all).

We go on our one date and instantly I can kind of tell that they are not that into me, but hope for the best. I use to have such good social skills. I'm thinking it might be all in the confidence as I lately have felt quite ticked off at women in general because they all behave so differently online; I spend most of my time feeling glad that I'm finally having a bloody conversation in person for once.

My attitude is just so negative now. I'm either inwardly sad or angry and they can tell "something" is wrong and they get unattracted and/or lose contact with me. Surely I'm not doing it on purpose but that's how it goes. What do I do to change that?
And don't forget "why do women like confidence?, what's so attractive about it?"

yeah that's great help so far guys.


Most Helpful Girl

  • Confidence= interesting personality, a sense of liking yourself and having developed ideas and hobbies and interests

    Sounds like you need to remember why you are awesome. Make of list of things you are good at (even if its things people tell you that you are good at but don't personally believe it, we are pretty bad at seeing ourselves objectively). Make a list of things you like about yourself or character traits that are positive. Make a list of physical features you like. Write a list of your hobbies and interests.

    If you are having problems finding stuff to put on your list, its time for some self-growth! I sound like a stupid self-help book but seriously, make some personal goals and do them. Read some new books, watch a documentary, LEARN. Interesting, confident people are like that because they actually have things to be confident about. Teach yourself to play the guitar, train to run a 10k, find some kind of project to work on. Make new friends, start a new sport, anything. You can't just make your thoughts change in a split second. It takes effort and small changes in your life that accumulate over time.


    I don't think its all about confidence. I think your negative experiences are sending off negative vibes (not literally, like body posture and tiny changes to the way you act and speak). Its going to keep getting worse if you keep worrying yourself about it. Try re-thinking about things. Getting nervous on a date? Remind yourself that your nerves are just a thing that is happening in your brain. Your nervousness is not YOU. You are not a weak or insecure person, you are just feeling nervous. Its not wrong or bad. Your feelings are actually really logical. You want to make a good impression but you feel like you aren't, so you get nervous/mad whatever. Being ticked at women because you are having negative online dating experiences is also normal.

    • That's just what I needed to hear. Thanks for the very specific phrasing and word choice you used. Thank you very much.

    • You are very welcome! If you really want to go crazy, look into Buddhist philosophy and the idea of radical acceptance. Their are a lot of psychologists who have adapted Buddhist techniques into really effective thinking exercises that will literally rewire your brain for the better. For instance, Dialectic Behavioral Therapy is based strongly off Buddhist philosophies and it is the most effective and most researched form of therapy that exists right now. It is basically a set of skills that you learn to manage your emotions and thoughts and change them to be more effective. The point is the Buddhists have their shit figured out. I'm a Christian, BTW. I just really admire the philosophy and how useful it is.

    • *There. Wow I can't believe I just messed up my there/theirs.

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 3

  • We want a guy to have confidence because for the most part he believes in himself. It does seem like a big deal but I don't think it really is, sometimes confidence can turn into cockiness which in the end guys will be dicks. I don't understand why guys who act like dicks get more girls. I fell for some guys like that a while back, at first I was like hooked but then slowly faded and seen them so unattractive, even though they were physically attractive. Just have confidence in yourself but not cockiness.

    • I am familiar with confidence becoming cockiness. That's because most guys are internally shy I think. When told or suggested to be confident they go all in. Cockiness is born. It's quite unnatural given the circumstances to just all of a sudden be confident. So the best mask for it I think is cockiness. Some women can't tell the difference, and those are the ones those guys end up with. Idiots. This is however far too common.

      I tried being a dick for a while and it got me talking to more women and even attracting them, but they were women I didn't even like. It's so counter-intuitive.

    • It's so COMPLICATED right! :O Just be yourself don't prove yourself to anyone. If you start just enjoying yourself and okay with how you are then it can bring some great women your way. Your natural confidence will show through. :)

  • Because it seems like he has his life together and knows what he wants.

  • Be a dick, we like dicks.


What Guys Said 3

  • OK, my friend, hope this helps. First, dump online dating. You are most likely missing the best ladies for you. The way those systems are set up, they fail to match you with the best people for you. They will get you good people, but most likely it will not result in an excellent match. It only has a top success rate of about 17%. Most of the people on there are basing compatibility on how you look on paper. This is the worst possible way to judge the quality of a person.
    Second, get involved in more activities. Go enlarge your circle of friends. Meet as many people as you can. This will help not only with confidence and getting your social skills back up to their old level, but will increase the chances of meeting someone who is a potential match. Also, being around people that share interests will kick the crap out of any negative attitude.
    Finally to answer the confidence question. Women are most attracted to men who don't need/want them. Women are most drawn to men they can't have. Confidence is the word that is used to describe the attitude of men with these qualities. There are a ton of theories to explain it, but all have flaws. Just accept it, and work with the situation that you are in. Rebuild that inner strength for a while, then hit the scene again. Remember, women love the chase. They hate to be chased.

  • When women want confidence, they actually want the guy that is brave enough to initiate conversation. If you can do that then you are confident. A male being confident is important because women can't hit on a guy. It goes against the social order of things. I think it would be great if a girl came up to me and told me how she felt, but a lot of the time it won't happen. If you want confidence, then I recommend hanging out with gang members. Get yourself to the point where nothing really bothers you any more

  • Don't listen to women they want good looking guys with money. That's what they mean by confidence.