I'm thinking about leaving my fiance but have no idea how to re-enter the dating world?

I have been with my fiance(possibly soon to be ex-fiance ) for two years. We had a son together who is now 9 months old. I'm not happy or myself anymore and am thinking about trying to date again. Nothing serious right away just get myself out there.I haven't been out much at all since having my son and have no idea where to start.My confidence is at 0. I feel like the only man that will ever want me is my fiance. I've obviously never had to tell someone I was interested in dating, that I have a child. I don't even know where to start or what to say to someone I'm interested in. I mean, a kid is a serious thing. I am not looking for a booty call. I'm so confused. I mean how many people my age (21) want to date a girl who has a kid by another guy? I don't wanna end up used or dating the wrong guy. The truth is I have never dated the right kind of men and just need some advice on the subject. Anything you have to say will help me out.Thanks.


Most Helpful Girl

  • You may not like to hear this but...now does not seem like the right time to even think about dating. You have to pull yourself together and get your life in order before you can offer yourself to anyone else as a viable partner. With the way you feel about yourself, you make it way too easy for a guy to get his way with you in any way he can because he'll get the drift you are seeking validation.

    A man can't use that against you if you already feel secure about yourself. Right now, your child needs you more than a man does... I'm not saying it won't ever happen, on the contrary, when you are ready..when you have yourself pulled together, able to take care of your child on your own and confident about yourself, you won't feel so apprehensive.

    Instead of feeling like no man will love you, you will feel like any man would love to be with a woman who can handle her responsibilities, and you won't settle for a guy who isn't handling his life as well...at that point, youdve worked too hard to get to where youare to have some guy come along and screw with you.

    Take it easy and cross that bridge when you get to it. First, developing a plan for how you'll take care of yourself after you break up with your fiance. Next, break up and get started on moving on. Next, deal with fiance trying to get on your nerves and get you back while continuing to take care of your child. Next, work on yourself, your self esteem...do something for yourself that makes you feel great...keep taking care of your child, develop and maintain any sort of emotional/family support as possible.

    Once you actually feel good about yourself and able to handle your life, then you can think about letting another guy into it. He will respect you more for it, and you will have so much more respect for yourself that you'll be able to be a great partner, while continuing to be a great mom.

    hope that helps

    • Do you honestly think ur advice on breaking up the family so she can do whatever she wants, is the best idea?

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    • Oh, and before you say anything about my bf...lol! I took my own advice...I was single for 3 years, focusing only on being able to provide for my daughter and get over my last relationship. Once I was ready, I didn't have to settle and could be picky, and oh man was I! Even though he's not her bio father, in these past 2yrs he's been a *fantastic* male role model. After being in such a bad relationship, I'm thankful she can see an example of a healthy relationship that makes her and I both happy.

    • Yea my fiancee would probably not think too highly of that.

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 1

  • Well I understand that because you have low self confidence you want to raise your self esteem by dating and seeing men who are interested in you. Your statement that most guys probably wouldn't date a girl with a kid is mostly true.

    What I think you need to realize is that you have a kid and he takes precedent over your jealous and immature thoughts. Yes you're young but the best thing to do not only for your son, but also yourself would be to stay with the father/ your fiancee. It may not be exciting and it may not make you feel like a sex goddess but its the right thing to do.

    If you choose to go out and date you'll have your son raised in an unstable environment with parents that are not together, and obviously a mother who cares more about her own temporary happiness, than him.

    Its really time to go past the superficial wants and do what you know is best.

    • Sorry but no, its it not mostly true that most guys wouldn't date a girl with a kid. Men are not all that incapable and shallow...thats so demeaning to men..the real ones, as a whole.

      Deciding that that her happiness is not worth it, and she may as well stay with a man who makes her miserable cause its her only choice is mean. A mothers first priority is taking care of her child, and of herself so that so that she can be a good mother. That's hardly selfish.

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    • I didn't feel like writing my life's story out for you on this quesion but since everyone thinks I am some self absorbed person seeking to validate myself I guess I will have to set you all straight. My fiance, although he lives with me, is a dead beat dad. HE DOES NOTHING FOR OUR SON. Doesn't change diapers,get bottles do laundry or dishes. This has been 2 years straight. I am still with him because he Mason's father,but he can't keep a job or support us so I think its best to break up.

    • Well if you think that he can't provide a good environment for your son, then that's different. I was speaking of all things being equal.

What Girls Said 1

  • I see some comments already that are focused on the idea that you are trying to find a new dad for your son. I can only hope that is not the case and that you actively participate with his father to make sure his father continues to be in his life unless there is some serious issue on his father's part that would make that a bad idea, like drug use or abuse. Dating to find a new dad for your son would not be a good idea and I can say in that case you will have many guys who will hesitate and not want to date you or will date you only because they have no intention of having a relationship with you, so your child isn't an issue to them, because they only want casual sex and will bounce once any drama pops up.

    I have had no problems dating though I am divorced and have a child. This is because 1) her father is fantastic and completely involved in her life and she does not need another dad 2) I only date on the weeks I do not have her 3) She has nothing to do with my dating life and I don't introduce her to anyone unless we are serious 4) I would never try to have dates that would include my daughter, like "hey, why don't we all go to the park together" because, again, your child should not be a part of your dating life or you would freak out a lot of guys who would feel the pressure of being a family guy way too soon. Please do not make the mistake of thinking that a guy is out there who wants a ready-made family or finds it cute to see you in the mother role or to hangout with your kid. That is not how guys work when you first start dating. Later, once you have an established relationship, yes, they can totally be in to the whole family thing and they would have to be or your relationship won't work out.

    Separate from all of that, I can say that you must 1) decide if you are or are not staying with your fiance and make a clean break before you start dating and 2) you have to work on your self-confidence. If you are still flip-flopping with your fiance you will be introducing drama into your dating life and you may well only attract guys who are in it for a quick jump into bed and nothing else. If you have low self-esteem you will definitely end up with the booty call situation you want to avoid. This is because typically girls with low self-esteem believe falsely that the only thing they really have to offer a guy is sex and you end up in bed with someone very, very quickly and the next thing you know the guy is out the door and calls you randomly to "get together" when he is feeling horny.

    If you want ideas on how to build your self-esteem, send me a message and I can give you some. This is so important because the only thing worse than having low self-esteem right now is how bad you will feel when you meet someone, sleep with him too soon and then wonder why he stops calling very much and isn't interested in a relationship.