Should I keep going after a woman I really like or should I just let it go?

To give a little background, this woman and I have gone out a few times and unexpectedly kinda hooked up. We didn't have sex, but there was a physical attraction. She told me after that she had been seeing someone but they were on a break. She still isn't seeing this guy while he gets his old relationship in order. (Ex still lives with him and keeps pushing back her move out date). She said she is intrigued by where it could go and she feels like she should see what happens. On one hand, since that is one of the dumbest things I have ever heard, I feel like I should go the other direction, but at the same time I fell pretty hard for her. She told me she is attracted to me and has feelings for me, but the timing is just really bad. She also said we can continue to hang out but we shouldn't do things a couple would do. If I didn't like this woman so much it would be an easy decision. I feel like I should just say the heck with it and move on, but a lot of my female friends say to stay in the picture because when that falls apart, and it will, that I will be there. I have a certain amount of pride though and waiting to win second place isn't something I'm accustomed to. especially when she is choosing that situation over me. They say it's not, that she is confused and thinks she knows what she's doing, but she will figure it out soon. Looking for some opinions as to what others think. She is in her late 20's and me in early 30's. Should I bail completely or stay in the picture? I screwed up bad allowing myself to fall for someone this fast, but I guess it's not something you can control. Does persistence really pay off in this situation?


Most Helpful Girl

  • I think you should stay. The fact she has been so honest speaks for itself. If she didn't see some kind of future with you she wouldn't have told you about her situation and just had fun with you until she had her share of fun and left. You're not second place, you're first, she's just getting her shit together before she moves forward.

    • Very good perspective!!! I hadn't thought of it that way. I thought maybe she was just a really honest person. We have both been 100% honest with each other and in my opinion it sets up any future there may be rather well. She could have easily not told me and kept having fun with me until the other guy came around but she didn't. I guess that either puts me in a better position than I thought, or says a lot about her character! I hope it's both. So in your opinion should I text her once in a while to say hi, or should I actually still ask her to do stuff. Not dinner or anything, but maybe lunch or some kind of activity? Or should I just give space but shoot her a text once in a while to ask how her day is going?

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    • Guess you'll find out :)

    • Guess so. But maybe not! Just hope I can keep my feelings in check. I get knots in my stomach just thinking about hanging out with her. She did a number on me that's for sure!! My ex that I was with for five years didn't even do that! I wish I could put my finger on it what gets me so much about her, but I can't.

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What Girls Said 0

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What Guys Said 4

  • She is holding strong feelings and optimism for the other guy, it's the reason for her wait, and nothing more. Just as you, too, are holding feelings for her and waiting. Thus, the fact remains, if he improved his situation as I type this very reply, you would likely not hear from again, or until she becomes available. Now, that, my good man, is not putting you first. At all.

    And sure, her honesty should be applauded. But it should not be rewarded. She basically stated that hanging with you comes with contingencies. Most of which is in her favor. Her honesty essentially eliminates her from culpability if you are left in distress from this, and instead, it places all of the risk of potential depredation squarely on your shoulders.

    With that in mind, calling, sharing, conversing and hanging out with her until her mind is made up, will likely further your feelings for her. And while such interactions may be will hard on you, they will likely be less impactful on her, due to her feelings for him.

    Okay, maybe it will have a noteworthy impact on her. But the point is, it's such compromising position to be in. Go with your instincts. Protect yourself. Give her space until her situation with buddy is resolved. For persistency is unneeded when someone strongly wants to be with you.

    • I think you're delving a little too far into this. I highly doubt she is thinking "well I was honest with him, so if he gets hurt, it's his own fault". You are correct though in saying persistence isn't needed when someone strongly wants to be with you. If she strongly wanted to be with me, then I doubt very much that I would have written this post in the first place. I wrote it because while she has acknowledged feelings for me, she is not acting on them at the moment and I'm trying to figure out what my move should be. Can't say I've encountered a situation like this in my life thus far so I was really looking to see what other women think as they are most likely to have been in her shoes. I appreciate the feedback though. Doesn't hurt to look at all angles even the ones I don't really want to look at. Truth be told, if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. My life goes on either way. I'd just like it to go on in her company if at all possible!!

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    • Good for you. It can be difficult to make personal decisions when our emotions are so involved, but I think you nailed it.

    • I feel like I have my shit pretty well together so the worst thing that can happen really isn't that bad. I've been married and divorced and after you go through that, even when it's amicable, you feel like nothing out there can possibly hurt you worse. It's not a bad feeling. Almost like playing with house money! I still can't stop thinking about this girl but it's not going to change my life if I don't get her. Had a great day today with another girl so the train keeps a rollin'!!!

  • Persistence will pay off for you. I think she isn't choosing the other situation over you because of the guy but more because of their living situation. As soon as she finds a place and gets away from this guy you will be back in the picture I think. Hang in there. It doesn't help that you've already fallen for her in terms of being patient but hey it happens sometimes right? If you really like her you can't think in terms of coming in second best at all. Every girl has relationships and your other friends are right in that it is going to fall apart. Girls on "a break" can be a little confusing but just hang in there. I hope this helps even though I've pretty much said what your friends have said. cheers :D

    • She isn't living with her ex, the guy she started seeing before I came along is. They had been dating and then decided to take a break while he figured his situation with his ex out. We went out one night and had instant chemistry and things happened that were totally unexpected. She told me about the other guy right away. I suppose she could have kept having fun with me and then dropped me as soon as the other guy came around, but she didn't. I guess that says something. What I'm not exactly sure?

    • It says she is honest and a good girl. Just wait and see what happens. If she is waiting for this guy to work things out with and ex it's likely she is going to get tired of waiting for him especially if the move out date gets moved. This is really going to bother her soon if it gets moved again and she will move on to you me thinks. cheers and good luck! :D

    • I sure hope you're right!! If she doesn't there are more out there, I just happened to fall hard for this one!! I broke every one of my own rules!! She is a very good girl from what I know about her. Which makes me all the more attracted to her. I know us guys think differently, but if I were choosing between two women, I'd be more inclined to go for the one without baggage. But I know women think differently so I can't know what she's thinking for sure. I would like to know what kind of magical powers this guy has to get her to wait for him after they'd only been dating for a month! Usually in my experience if you have to take a break after only a month it spells disaster later on. That's just me though.

  • Looks like you are in a tricky situation aren't you? I don't know what to suggest. I think you should find someone else. Someone who is available, searching for someone and that someone would be you. Goodluck.

  • I think you should carry on with life and if you meet someone else who has their life together and sorted out then go for them.

    Time waits for no one and you shouldn't either.

    • I'm carrying on with life, I just am trying to figure out what my next move should be. It's not like I'm sitting at my house sulking or anything. I'm just holding out a little hope she comes around, but if she doesn't I'll live, this is for sure!

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    • Wouldn't be anything out of the ordinary for me!! Hell we only live once so why should things be easy!! Haha! This other girl will probably end up liking me. She is very attractive, then I might start liking her, then the other girl will decide she likes me, then you called it... conundrum!!! Hey that's a good one though!

    • It's not a conundrum I'd want to deal with, but kudos to you! I'm sure it will be a nice conundrum to have. :D