Having trouble with women at the bar?

Hey! Here is the gist of everything. I am a very sweet and casual guy, I dress very well and I have an athletic build. Unfortuntely I have pretty bad social anxiety and have issues talking with women.

For the past two days I have been going to my local college bar to talk to women. I only talk to women who are with 1-2 other friends. So after spending 1-2 hours in a few bars, I only talk to about 2-3 different groups of women a night.

When I talk to women though, I approach confidently and I open with, "Hey! How is your night going?" or "Hey! How are you doing today?" As soon as I approach though... they shut me down with their facial expressions that say "Ugh... is this loser really going to try to talk to us?" I stay strong and continue with my convo... but it never works out.

How can I be more effective with meeting women in the bar? Here is a typical scenario for me:

Opener: Hey, How's it going? (Girl replies)

Beginning of convo: Since I work a lot, I never have time to get out. Are these bars always this packed? (girl replies)

Middle of Convo: Do you ladies go to school around here? (girl replies)

That's pretty much how it goes. They seem very disinterested throughout the entire convo. Give me nasty facial expressions or tell me that they are leaving and say good night to me.

Again... I do have some social anxiety, so approaching is hard for me.

What can I better talk to women in these settings?

How can I tell if a woman is interested in me before I approach?

What kinds of things can I talk about besides school, work, etc, etc?


Most Helpful Guy

  • Ok first you approach women who smile at you when you've made eye contact and smiled at them. This is a que that says she is open to be approached. Without this you have no hope. Your opener is ok, honest and friendly, but try to complement her on somthing (I like your 'style', or 'that jacket is great' or 'you have a nice smile do you charge for it?') but not her body. Try to be funny and fun with it. To engage her in conversation ask her questions (sparingly) that want her opinion or thoughts about somthing and relate to it with your own experiences.
    Here's the trick: you must act/have the opinion that if she doesn't dig you that's fine, others will, and you could walk away and it not bother you in the least. Most people are a little lery of anyone who might be upset if they don't get what they want from you, having just met you/having known you a short time.
    As for confidence: You've got to act confident that you are someone to get to know, but not dickish, even if you may not it feel that way inside. "Got to fake it till you make it".
    Just be comfortable, like you are with a sister or even a guy buddy. Women are just people: often just as nervous as you or more so at meeting someone new.
    To combat your nerves: 'no matter how beautiful she is-somebody somewhere- is sick of her'. Something I heard somewhere that will bring her back down to your level in your mind. Very useful to remember if you have approach anxiety.
    The main thing is to talk to strangers for practice with Social skills. Wherever you are: practice. On everybody. Conversations will become easyer and talking to a gal will become easy and natural.
    You want to play guitar: practice. You want to score goals: practice. You want to be able to aproach a woman and just start up a conversation: learn hypnosis lol- I mean practice.
    There will be rejection. There will be disappointment. But nothing that is any good is easy. And if this one doesn't like you the next gal may.
    Good luck!

    • Really great advice. Except for one thing -- Despite how great I look, women at the bar never look at me! Well... actually wait... After I shrugged off last night, there was a group of 3 girls looking at me from across the bar for 2 seconds. When I looked back at them, this didn't smile at me and continued talking to each other. Should I have approached them?

      But honestly, I look around the bar a lot and nobody ever looks at me (except a few guys or the bartender telling me how awesome and classy I look).

    • Hmm -there may be some minor tweaking needed. You say your stylish so that's good. Be sure you have nice shoes. Big deal to some women. Have clean hands with trimmed nails.
      Here is a big one- don't check out all the girls at the bar. Women notice that and it repelled them. You must learn to use your peripheral vision to find prospects.
      Tell ya what pm me and I will help. Probably something minor to tweak. I will help.

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 3

  • I think you should change your surroundings, I know it might sound cliche or weird but try a library, people are not that judgy there and you have more topics to talk about (depending on how big the library is). Or join a club or try to make more friends with guys and through them meet some girls, maybe they'd know someone that would suit you.

    • You know... that's funny! I was thinking the same thing... about changing my surroundings and such.

      In all honesty though, do you think my approach was bad? I try to keep it casual so they don't instantly think I''m hitting on them... but it still goes south quickly.

    • Show All
    • It's always tough for me to meet women :/. That's why I started trying to go to bars to work on my social skills and my anxiety. During the course of the summer, I was talking to a girl that introduced herself to me in class. Things were going great with her, but she has been flaking on me lately and is kinda ignoring me and acting funny. That's why I am trying to meet women a different way.

    • If she introduced herself then that's good, maybe ask her what's been going on...
      And you said you were athletic, how about some fitness classes (I know I'm throwing lots of girly stuff on you but I have a point here), I mean there are lots of women there, yoga, pilates... not much guys do that, and if a guy attends them it gives women a clue that he is a calm person (no need to be scared) and has some sort of... spirituality (you get what I mean?). If you don't like that, then try other classes, but I think it's a good place, just try to pick a club where you see a lot of young people, not just middle aged women.

  • you're opener isn't that exciting, make it seem like you have a lot going on. Something like I just came back from (this show) It was amazing or I am planning to on a trip or concert. etc.

  • Bars and clubs are bad places to meet girls. And girls in bigger groups are there to have fun with each others and dont always want to be disturbed by guys

    • I figured as much. That is why I try to approach women that have a single friend with them. Honestly, do you think my approach was bad? How can I built attraction with them without them shrugging me off before even talking?

    • When im eith one single friend at a bar, I still dont always want to be approached by guys because Im with my friend and chatting with her.
      You change place. Dont try to get women from bars or clubs.

What Guys Said 1

  • That's rough.. I hate getting that expression lol
    I would recommend talking about anything other school, work, etc..
    Personally I like to surprise a girl with something random or funny.
    It usually works on at least getting a convo, sometimes a date.
    Most girls are sick of guys doing and saying the same old thing over and over...

    • What's something random that you say that usually works?