Dating a much older man with a low libido - help!?

I am 35 and am dating a guy who is 50 - it's a big age difference, I know, but we are compatible in many ways. One major problem is that he has a very low libido - he outright told me before we even were intimate, that he is no longer driven by sex. I have to initiate almost all the time and when we do have sex, it seems like he enjoys it but is going through the motions. He is way more affectionate when we are cuddling and watching a movie! He says that I turn him on and he finds me very sexy, but he has no real interest in the actual act of sex itself. I have never encountered this before - help!

Am looking primarily for advice from guys 35 and older please, sorry. In this case age and experience makes a difference. But thanks everyone for responding nonetheless:)


Most Helpful Guy

  • What is it you want help with? First, his sex drive is not going to be getting higher in the future without pharmaceutical help. So if it is on the verge of a deal-breaker now it is only going to get worse. If he is 50 though, he should be mature enough to handle a conversation about this directly though. If he knows it is a problem for you, he may consider talking to his doctor. Certain pills can help, or even changes in diet.

    If the sexual part of the relationship simply doesn't work for you, but everything else does, then maybe explore ethical non-monogamous solutions. It seems kind of unfair to him to be criticizing him for doing what you want, but not appearing vigorous enough about it. It seems that he is happy having sex with you, but because he is not overly dramatic about it he seems to be just going through the motions. Perhaps the best first step would be in trying to identify what it is that is giving off that vibe and addressing that directly. It may be that you just want him to be a bit more vocal, or a bit more forceful. Or maybe he is just greysexual.

    • He is just apathetic about it. He's even made statements to the effect of "Well you don't have to worry about me cheating because I don't care about the sex part". I suppose this comes with dating a much older man, you can't have it all.

    • I don't think that it necessarily comes from age alone. There are guys that are in their 50s that are still horny as hell. Statements like "I don't care about the sex part" do sound a bit greysexual. Or maybe he has had some hormonal changes. I don't think it's a blanket 'age' thing though.

      Of course, I never believed in the "you can't have it all" mantra which is why I'm polyamorous. A difficult lifestyle to pull off that requires a ton of honest communication and working through a lot of fear and anxiety, but it lets me find people in my life that address different needs. I don't need one person to be a 'one size fits all' for everything, as no person can really do that. But, I will be the first to admit that the lifestyle is not for everyone. It is too much work for most.

      Best of luck in your situation. Personally I would push a little bit against the apathy though. That seems to be the root of the problem, more than the sex itself. And that's a mental thing, not physical.

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What Guys Said 3

  • That seems unusual. Men have a high sex drive and are the initiators.

  • lol he's not THAT old

    • I didn't say SO OLD, I said much older than me.

    • oh sorry, yet he can use a Viara or a Cialis i guess... why not?

  • There's a drug for this. Viagra.


What Girls Said 1

  • That's the risk, I suppose of giving up on sex for security.

    • Not security at all - he's not rich and doesn't have much to offer. I genuinely care for him - it is real no matter what people think. You can't make a halo judgment based on such little information now can you?

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    • The funny part is that he thinks our sex life is great! So it's satisfying him but not me. It's fine it just lacks passion and intimacy. I agree, I doubt this will change though.

    • Intimacy can even develop in platonic friendships, so it's not impossible for that to happen. Maybe try more vulnerability in and out of the bedroom and see what happens.

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