Am I freaking out too much and should just try going with the flow? Ok, so background info: I will be 20 this year and have just started college?

I have never dated much less talk to a guy for real. I am also very and I mean VERY shy, and antisocial. I hate dealing with people but at the same time I'm way too nice to them and care to much about what they think. I'm great when I'm with my friends and family but other than I freak out about every little thing, so yeah I'm a bit OCD too. Ok, background check over. Here's what happened. Like most girls I wanted to find that special someone and live happily ever after so I went on some dating sites but quickly felt that wasn't the thing for me and got out but in between that time I became friends with this guy and he sent me a friend request on facebook. We've been talking since march of this year. I really didn't think much of him at first and I didn't really think he was my type but he's a really nice guy and I enjoy talking to him. He's two years older than me and lives 20 hours away so I feel courage knowing I can turn off my laptop at anytime. And yes I have done so much recon on him I could be considered I stalker. I'm not, just very cautious. So What's The Problem? I'm Freaking OUT!!! I never thought I'd actually like him or that is would get this far. And by get this far I mean I think we're in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship or close, at one point I wanted him to draw me a map of where this conversation was going. I know that's probably not even the starting gate to some of you but to me its major. Somehow we just started flirting online and I'm not used to being complemented or having someone interested in me that way so maybe I just got over excited and went with it, at the same time I'm stressing out over what I should say next or is it really this easy. It was easy to get caught up in the flow of thing because we have so much in common and he is so nice, sometimes I just want him to stop. It's like I'm looking for something tobe wrong with him or I want to have a disagreement/argument with him. The whole relationship thing just stresses me out!

It's also hard to see him as a real person because he's so nice. It's just hard to see myself with him. I always thought I wanted to be in a relationship but now I'm so stressed out over it I don't feel I'm ready for it. It's so emotionally draining.
And I just started college, like I need to be stressed out even more. I now dread it a little bit each time I get a text from him. And he's so freaking nice, I feel awful that we started this and he has know idea how much I'm freaking out.


Most Helpful Guy

  • The answer to the direct question 'Am I freaking out too much over this?' is yes.

    Do you have reason to? Normally I would say no, but if you have never dated then any kind of initial dating stuff can be overwhelming. You are going to get all sorts of feeling you haven't felt before, and then remember all those 'lessons and warnings', and get conflicted, and not know what to do, and not know if you should trust yourself, and think that you should know yourself best so you probably should trust yourself and and and... I am sure you are becoming aware yourself.

    Firstly, never let yourself get too worked up over someone you haven't met in person. It is way too easy to project a persona online. Secondly, it is easy to be very nice when you don't have anything to get upset over, and that is doubly true as a 'long distance' online relationship. Thirdly... relax a little. You WILL get emotionally hurt at some point during your dating life. It is inevitable. But don't fear it. Don't let the fear of it stop you from experiencing all of the joys that dating will bring as well. You have to be vulnerable enough to be hurt to really be in a position to experience the eventual growth of love.

    So, never meet someone from the internet in a place that is not Wow So Public. But don't be afraid of this guy. Meet him in person at some point and see if it's worth it. Let yourself feel the butterflies. Be cautious, sure, be safe, obviously, but let yourself feel. Explore the idea.

    • I definitely thought this could be part of the "first times" scares. I also thought that if I had meet him in person instead of online that it would've been easy to handle. I'd be more use to him. Online I just went with his compliments, saying thankyou and your making me blush but in real life I dont even know how to flirt & I'm much more stand offish until I get to know a person. In person I'm pretty calm & logical person but when I lose that control I start freaking out in my head. I feel that if I keep going with the flow like this the stress will only increase. I really just want to pretend none of this ever happened but then I'd either feel like I'm running away or I'm doing whats best for me. They all feel like excuses to me & here's the biggest excuse & probably most selfaware one:I don't think I'm emotionally or mentally prepared tobe in a relationship. I mean I know I'm supposed to be alittle nervous but not this much. The stress made it hard to eat& I'm avoiding fb &my phone

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    • I think it's exactly as you said. I was running into a field of flowers with my arms spread wide and then all of a sudden, WARNING: THIS IS NO LONGER A THEORY, THIS IS REAL! I never actually thought this would happen and was just having fun talking to this very nice guy, just going with the flow and then, WALL of RELATIONSHIP in me in the face. This never happened before so I thought miss opportunity, then I thought I can't do this!, but then I felt as if maybe I was running away and soon it just felt so good to run way. He's a really nice guy and all but I think I came to resent him and fast. The more I backed off the better I felt and was able to clearly think. And it has been such a great help to be able to work out and talk about all these worries I've been having. Thank you for listening though my freak out and for giving such good advice.

    • You are very welcome :)

      I think you can safely assume that you are ready for a relationship if it is the right relationship. Feeling trepidation is normal, and listening to your body and your 'gut feelings' is pretty much part of it. I think you can assume that you like the idea of a relationship. I think you can also assume that your body is clearly telling you that pursuing a relationship with this guy, right now, is not what it wants to be doing.

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 1

  • Sounds like you are cautious but confused. You need to meet with him in person... face to face over a cup of coffee. I would do it in a public place (Starbucks?) Talking/flirting over the internet is one thing, but you need some face time. It sounds like you ar new to the dating game and sex, so take it slow. If he really likes you it may work. But keep school 1st on your list. It is easy to be distracted by sex etc. Your thoughts?

    • I get what you're saying about meeting face to face but the only way we could do that at this point is by skype, which he asked about. That's also one of the things that set of my freakout. I started getting all nervous just thinking about it. If I had meet him in person and not online, I probably wouldn't have freaked out so much. I'd be more use to him that least I think. I might be more stand offish in person at least until I get to know a person. In person I'm much more calm and logical person and when I'm not I'm obviously a total nut. Online he would just compliment me and I'd say thankyou or your making me blush. I didn't even think I knew how to flirt, in fact I'm pretty sure I still don't. And yes school is my top priority so I shouldn't be freaking out like this when I just started and should start enjoying it. By backing off I either feel like I'm running away or doing whats best for me right now. If I keep going with the flow right now I think my stress will increase.

    • Skype might be a good first step. Not everyone online is a freak so it is ok to be cautious but don't let the event ruin things at school. That is far more important.

What Girls Said 1

  • Huh... you sound kind of like I was when I first met my boyfriend. I almost rejected him when he first asked me out because I was too scared to let myself believe what I was feeling for him. Its scary having such intense feelings for someone when you're used to being on your own and shutting everyone out. Basically, how I decided to approach things was to take things very slowly and focused on one day at a time. All I had to do when I started freaking out was ask myself:
    Do I enjoy talking to him? Yes
    Do I want to stop talking to him even if I'm terrified? No

    That's it. That's all that mattered at the time. I figured if the answers to that ever changed then things would have to end but so long as I was taking things one day at a time and enjoying it, there was no need to freak out about anything. Eventually I grew a lot more comfortable with him and things are great, but in the beginning he had to have a lot of patience while I learned how to open myself up to what I was feeling.

    • That's was the first thing I thought when I started freaking out "maybe I'm just scared of having feeling for him" but I think thats what got me into this trouble in the first place. I wanted to be a relationship so bad that I latched on to the idea of liking him and befor I knew it I'm stomping on the brakes trying not to crash into this thing called relationship. It just started going so fast and the stress was piling up. I also love going with the flow, it kind of keeps me sane, but with this whole thing going on I'm stressed out to the max everyday thinking about what to do next or what will happen next. And when I do ask those questions: do i enjoy talking to him? YES , do i want to stop talking to him even if I'm terrified? NO. Of course I like talking to him, he's a nice guy, he's done nothing wrong but honestly I feel so much more relaxed and calm when I started backing off. I just can't take the stress.

    • Yeah its definitely good to take things slowly. In my relationship, it felt a lot like he did a huge cannonball into the deep end while i was on the side freaking out after putting a toe in. The right guy will be understanding and have the patience for you to ease yourself into things. The best thing you can do for yourself is to keep reminding yourself to live in the moment and let go of trying to plan for what might happen next or what you should do next. Just do what feels right... or max keep just a hair outside of your comfort zone so the relationship can progress if thats what you need. Just do your best to let go of any preconceived notions of what you think this relationship should be and focus on who he is and what the reality is between you two. Its a lot of fun when you learn how to stop scrambling for control of your emotions and to focus on the ride instead.