When things don't work out?

Why is it when things don't work out for both genders male or female, the opposite gender is at fault? But if your having the same thing happen over and over again wouldn't you think that maybe it's really not them it's you? Why are so many people against self observation and taking the time to really get to know what they might be doing wrong? Why is it not acceptable to give yourself time to be single and work on yourself?

I'm only asking because when you look at some of the questions being asked and you tell them to self-observe themselves they take offense when it's actually just something I think must be done in life anyway. They completely take the opinion out of proportion and make it seem like it's this negative thing; so why does it seem like there's a stigma surrounded by this idea?

This question is pertaining to dating only NOT fully invested relationships.


Most Helpful Guy

  • Most people seem to have some self-esteem issues. Even those that project a pretty solid image of confidence are often really lacking self-esteem internally. A new relationship crumbling early is a fairly big hit to confidence if it was the other person ending it (and you will not see nearly as many cases of 'it was all their fault' being complained about by the 'dumper', it's usually the 'dumpee' who complains).

    So, with this fragile self-esteem at serious risk of another major hit, a lot of people just lash out and blame to other person for the failure, to try and deflect the blame and make themselves feel better. The larger the stereotype they can blame, the less it seems like it can get flipped back to them, to their fault.

    If I say "AutumnBloom dumped me, she is a bitch" then it is pretty easy for people to say "Whaaa? No, I know her, she is super sweet! It must be a problem with you."

    If I say "I just got dumped, why are girls that wear hats so bitchy all the time" you will start to get some other people that have had negative experiences with a hat-wearer that will chime in and agree, though still, a lot of people will say "No, my gf wears a hat and she is awesome. Every day is steak & bj day. Hat wearers are the BEST. It must be something wrong with you."

    If I say "I was acting like a real gentleman and this girl just dumped me. Why are girls all bitches?" you suddenly have every guy that has ever had a girl act bitchy pop and say "yeah, I was a gentleman too, and my girl dumped me! For NO reason! They are bitches!" The few people trying to argue against this seething mob just get dismissed "oh, you just got lucky, yours is a keeper, she's not like the rest".

    Then the person can put some fake "it's ok" sauce on their self-esteem, because all these other guys have agreed that it must be just the fact that girls are bitches. Couldn't be anything wrong with them. These guys agree because they feel it to.

    TL:DR - ego/esteem preservation


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What Guys Said 3

  • I think its a combination of "prisoner of the moment" and just having your heart broken and being sort of "knocked down" at the moment they ask these questions. As much truth there is to your words, the feeling of being in a relationship and loved by another can be intoxicating and when that feeling is gone or your feelings have been thrown in your face the last thing a person may be looking for is the "maybe you should work on your self" or "may be its you" talk. I agree that being single and working on yourself is important since you can really love someone else or hope to have a strong lasting relationship until you love yourself most.

    • I know what your saying but this question is pertaining to dating not necessarily relationships so that's why I'm asking? When it comes to relationships that just ended I can see the frustration a little more but what do you think when it comes to dating?

    • Sorry for the misunderstanding. For dating I feel like people get to wrapped up in there feelings for someone early. Especially for some people here, 3 weeks isn't enough time to be completely invested emotionally into someone, sorry but that's just how I feel. And it feels like when people dive in head first emotionally so soon instead of waiting to see how the person they're dating really is, they become shocked, hurt, and angry when they see the person for who they really are. Sorry for the book, and hope this better answers your question.

    • Thank you and it does.

  • I am my own therapist for the most part and I can say I'm working on what went wrong in my past dates and if that is done I think I can go further

  • I agree with this 100%. People always have to have someone to blame.


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