My girlfriend has had abusive past relationships and was oddly okay with it. How to handle this situation?

My girlfriend has had only a couple previous relationships that were clearly unhealthy for her emotionally and physically as she was constantly harassed and abused (physically/emotionally). I don't know the extent of the abuse other than that she was constantly breaking up and getting back together with her ex on a weekly basis. This was normal for her and she was oddly okay with it (her words). She went even further and said that she is turned on by a little fire, a spark, or some backlash because she believes that you can only truly love someone if you fight for them and are aggressive and show emotion and are alive. I disagree. I'm an easy going person, I'm happy and I have not had any previous abusive or traumatic past relationships. I dont hesitate to make smartass remarks, be playful or be assertive with her but aggressive is too far in my books. I do not think it is healthy. I love her dearly and she loves me. She said that this easy going lovey dovey stuff is new for her and that she has to get used to it but ultimately its not her. I'm not out to change her as a person, I just want to know how I should handle this? I'm not about to start abusing her, but I want her to still see that I care very much?


Most Helpful Girl

  • It sounds like your girlfriend has major self-esteem issues. I know this, because I have allowed these type of relationships into my life in the past. Your relationship, and the love you give her, is foreign to her. It's like being placed into a country where you don't speak the language and don't know the culture. You don't know how to behave, react, or go about daily life. However, she does need to take the steps to realize that the past behavior was not ok and that it probably has scarred her. Maybe she realizes, or maybe she doesn't, but she will never have a healthy relationship if she can't recognize what went wrong, how she allowed it, and why she allowed it - with you or with anyone past or future.


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What Girls Said 0

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What Guys Said 2

  • I see red flags all over the place. She sounds like the kind of girl that needs drama to feel alive. If you don't provide the drama then she will create the drama herself. She already told you tissue lovey dovey stuff isn't her.

    • Guys are so quick to jump into labeling a woman "drama," if they portray any qualities that make them uncomfortable or out of the ordinary. You have no idea what her past is and are already assuming that she thrives off of the drama. Just because the "lovey-dovey" stuff isn't for her, doesn't mean their relationship will fail or that there is something screwed up with her. She may have issues that she hasn't dealt with and maybe she deserves a guy that will give her the opportunity to see what she is really worth.

      Just because it's not her "normal," type of relationship, doesn't mean that she's an drama seeker or that she thrives on some type of chaos.

    • Show All
    • Yes, this is a huge red flag to me and I'm concerned for her, but yet I do feel that she deserves someone who will be good to her. I feel that she recognizes that I am and she has told me that I have been a really good boyfriend to her and she wouldn't say otherwise. I think she is growing as a person but I'm worried she will eventually revert back and think that no this isn't what she wants. I want to be with her and her with me, we talk about future plans and she is seemingly really happy right now. She also suffers from anxiety and depression, but I really want to stick it out with her. I want to, Im just worried she eventually won't.

    • Dude, I had to come back and see what kind of idiocy the female users here would come up with. They didn't disappoint. They got hearsay from an interested party, conveyed by her lover, which includes no facts, whatsoever, but only characterizations of her as victimized by her exes, and they're ready to believe that nothing in any of it could possibly be her fault.

      People deserve second chances, sometimes. The question is whether she takes full responsibility for her own choices. From what you said, "she was constantly harassed and abused (by her ex)
      . . . and getting back together with her ex" it sounds like she considers herself blameless no matter what she does.

  • First, never believe anything anyone says about their ex. Ever.

    Second, get out now. Everything you just said has false accusations, relational aggression, and self-victimization written all over it.

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