Dating a guy who's friend isn't really his friend... Should I tell him?

Hey peeps! :)
I met a guy in a bar in August and we have been dating for about a month and a half.

A couple of his friends were there to celebrate a guy's birthday and when my guy (let's call him J) saw me he couldn't stop staring at me let alone talk to his friends. He eventually managed to tell the guy he was sitting next to (let's call him D) that he had never seen anyone as beautiful as me and that he wanted to go and talk to me but didn't know how. D then decided to do it. At first he was hitting on me. A lot. And he got really pushy. When he realised it wasn't working he told me his friend at the table, J, had an ex that cheated on him twice. This is where I got annoyed and asked him why in the world he was telling me this, that I doubted J wanted him to go around and telling people. He was saying this infront of my friends and we were about 10 people..

Later that night J and I was waiting by the subway and he got the courage to come up and talk to me. He doesn't know that D told me abot his ex or that he was hitting on me.

Everytime D is around he is saying something really inappropriate, talking about J's ex in front of me, saying it's a shame J's got dibs on me and so on. J, his friends, my friends and I were all hanging out and afterwards my friends told me that it seems like D is trying to ruin it things for me and J.

J and I were cuddling at his place he let it slip that D had told him that I was way out of J's league (which is absolutely crazy). I said "what? That's ridiculous." I kissed him and we talked about it. I was so close to tell him that D didn't seem like a real friend but I kept my mouth shut because I really don't want to be THAT girl. I don't want to cause any drama and I definitely don't want to ruin anything between him and me or him and D because it'll just hurt J's feelings. He is the sweetest guy and have always been there for D..

What would you guys do in my position? Am I right to keep my mouth shut?

When D talked about J's ex J told him to go stand in the corner or something, then he laughed to make sure D knew he wasn't all serious. It was super obvious how uncomfortable J got when D said all those things. He apologized later on for how D acted
And said that the guy is a bit socially oblivious. But I think it's more than that.


Most Helpful Guy

  • D needs to be put in his place. J needs to realise that D isn't on his side. Until then he will still listen to D's opinion and who knows how that will affect your relationship. Honestly wins every time. Don't be afraid to tell him. If I was him I'd want to know asap!

    You're not trying to ruin the friendship so just mention it casually.

    • Yeah you're right. But you don't think it's a bit too soon for me to tell him that? I mean these guys have been hanging out for years and I have only been in his life for two months. Both J and I are very similar when it comes to not liking drama and we always stick up for our friends so I feel like if I tell him he might look at me differently.

      If I were to tell him how do you think I should do it?

    • This happened to you so it's direct from the source. D is obviously undermining J confidence and that's not ok and its not being a good friend. Don't mention that he told you about his ex just yet. If J mentions them to you, you can say "oh yeah I remember D telling me about that" that way you kind of let it slip and J will ask more about it.

      Otherwise I'd just mention that D hit on you that night you guys met. Say it more as like a fun fact, not an accusation against D. But slowly point out to him over time what happened. Don't do it all at once. And make observations about how you are glad you're going out with something like him and not someone like J.

      Don't be afraid to communicate though. It will just create bigger problems.

    • That's a really good idea. Thank you so much :) I actually suggested to my friends that I would kind of let it slip D told me about his ex when J tells me but they told me not to.
      I guess I'd want to know as well if one of my friends acted this way. J's best friend doesn't like D so J is probably used to hearing it by now though.

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What Guys Said 0

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What Girls Said 1

  • You should tell him, before something worse happens, or D says something about you. Be sure to telll J the truth, dont give him the idea that you just want D and J to break up..

    • You are right. I'm just worried it will hurt him and that I'm overreacting. None of us likes drama and we always stick up for our friends so I'm a bit worried that he might look at me differently if I mention this.
      How would you tell him this if you were in my position?

    • I understand what you are afraid of, but you should tell him. You can go around the bushes by just asking about random things, then slowly coming to the topic of relationships, then exes and finally tell him the D did this... The trick is too kind of slip it out, but acuse him. You can also kind of call D and put it on speaker, and ask if about J's ex.. that will get you solide proof, but be careful!

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