Dating an Alpha Girl?

I'm dating an alpha girl, and I need some tips on how to date such a girl.

First, about her. She's typical alpha - successful, stern, capable, independent, and sarcastic. She doesn't want to accept any help and calls romantic ideas 'amusing'. However, she doesn't have great looks and so she can't find any guy that likes her. She is not entirely alpha all the time though, she regularly hangs out in a community dominated by alpha males. And she is naturally socially awkward. So she becomes a partial beta in those 2 scenarios.

Second, about me. I'm a beta guy, though i love becoming partial alpha when in the midst of betas and gammas. When I'm with my date, i feel slightly awkward as my masculinity is threatened, but in principle i have no objections against her taking charge. I admire how she gets things done, and i don't mind her helping me.

The problem is how do i continue to appeal to my date? She is proactive in asking me out and plans half our dates, but sometimes i feel i disappoint her because of my lack of capability. I'm not sure how she feels though. Because when i asked her if i should be better or I should try harder, she instead remarked that i lack confidence and told me to do whatever i felt like, that there's no point in changing myself just to please someone.

So yeah, how do i appeal to an alpha girl?

If the terms alpha and beta are not very agreeable with you, you can just substitute it with the closest definition on wikipedia, minus the part about alphas being good looking and having many candidates. Just... stop attacking the definitions.
Okay just take these traits "successful, stern, capable, independent, doesn't want to accept any help, and sarcastic." and ignore Alpha. How do I approach such a girl?


Most Helpful Girl

  • As an alpha and a bitch I always pushed the guy and messed with his head. I pushed to see when he'd fight back the emasculating I do/ be himself/set boundaries. If I say something sarcastic I expect a snarky response. If you ask me how I want you to be I would give that same reply that she did. Why? It is completely boring and annoying to have a guy morph himself for you. It's preferred for the guy to be introspective enough to question himself and have enough confidence to come to an answer that HE thinks is right. The moment he asks me my opinion of him/gives in to me is the moment I lose respect.
    She seems mature. So I'll assume she started dating you knowing full well who you are and your personality. Which means she is interested in you because of your current personality, not because she wanted to change you. Which is why she didn't give you an answer on her preference.

    Things I look for:
    difficult to manipulate or impossible to manipulate
    challenges my role - by this I mean in the relationship I'd be the bitchy/dominant one. I want my role to be challenged. Don't let me step on you like a door mat.
    not stupid- it means you should be able to talk about a variety of subjects/you can keep up.

    As for the romantic things. I also find them entertaining but I also genuinely appreciate it. Not that I'll show it. I think she would too.

    Go on as you have been. Appreciate her but do not put her worth above yours and do NOT put her on a pedestal. My bad if this isn't helpful. It's meant to give you insight on what a girl similar to her would want

    • Wow, this is tremendously insightful. I think what you described totally fits in with how she's behaving around me. And thanks for the examples on the kind of behaviour she's looking out for.

      I read your answer before I went on my date yesterday, and I've started on your advice. I stopped asking what she'd like, and instead changing myself for my own sake, based on what I think is good for me in the long run. My specialty is wordplay and randomness, so I use her words against her to tease her and make up ridiculous stories/scenarios. And while she's street smart and technically smart, whenever she talks about finance, geography, real estate and life in general, I tried to challenge her opinions since it's her weaker in that field.

      Some stuff I still can't do is to change her mind. When she wants to treat me, when she wants to head home to rest, when she doesn't want to go out after work. And she still waves me off whenever I try to be romantic lol.

    • But yea, this is incredibly insightful, I'm jotting this down somewhere so I won't forget it haha.

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 3

  • Hmmm. Be responsible and accountable, but bring out her playful side. Coax her to be more personal and share some intimacy. Help her feel comfortable letting her guard down. Ask leading questions about things like "What would you do if you won a million dollars" or "if you could relive any moment, but not change it, what would it be?" Playful stuff, but emotionally opening.

    • Thanks, I'll try to work on that too! Currently she's still very reserved and tries to shrug off such questions by being ridiculously pragmatic, or simply refusing to answer. Like the 1 mil dollars question? She'd probably say "Not give it to you." Or the reliving question: "Nothing. Life's still got nothing to make me want to relive it yet."

      But yea.. I'll try to get it out of her. Eventually. Thanks for your comments!

    • Maybe then share something of your own that is fun and not super personal to help her break her guard down. She sounds cynical, which means there must be a soft side she's protecting

  • It's hard to date an alpha girl

    • I might have used "alpha girl" without fully understanding what it really meant. Let me use this description instead: "successful, stern, capable, independent, doesn't want to accept any help, and sarcastic"

      What do you think such girls like in a guy, if you've experienced these kind of girls as friends before?

  • ... Wow...


What Guys Said 6

  • I was not aware we were all broken up into dominant/submissive personality types.

    This is news to me.

    • It's one way to classify. I thought it might make things easier to understand, without having to use too many examples and descriptions or what not. Of course we're more varied that just binary types but don't you agree that many relationships often has a decision-maker that sort of things what things go and what things don't go?

      Yups so that's basically sorta like that.

    • I gotcha. I guess that is kind of the way relationships go, but I try not to dwell on it.

      Although I am not a conventional person and have never had a regular office job, more of the artist type, I believe I understand what you're saying.

      All I can offer to help is that if you really like her, tell her with confidence. That way your emotions are an assertive dominant force for good instead of control, and she might appreciate that.

    • Thanks for your comment! I see, I'll try to tell her what I want then.

  • Alpha girls are usually ones that navigate through life playing everything safe and to THEIR advantage only. I don't know this girl obviously but this is my experience with alpha women, they chew you up and spit you out and don't think twice about doing it. A lot of them are also change to their surrounding, having no real identity. So, if your confident and secure in yourself enough to accept that challenge, give it a shot. Best of luck!

    • Hmm. After reading your comment, I think I might have gotten the definition. I mean, what you described does sound like alpha behaviour in a sense (I'm actually not familiar with the definition).

      But my date isn't that kind of person. Responsibility and maturity rank very high on her traits. In fact, Cold and Rational would be very good descriptors. But at the same time she will fight for what she thinks is right, and condemn whoever is immoral wrong. And she will get her way. Or leave in an irritated rage.

  • Too... much... Greek.

    • Okay so basically TLDR; huh.

      I'm dating an independent, capable, no nonsense girl. Would she find someone like her more appealing or someone who'd be more accommodating of what she insists on doing?

  • WTH are we living in brave new world?

    • Well we're not, and I haven't read the book despite wanting to for several years.

      Alpha and Beta was the easiest way to describe my relationship dynamics with her. I mean sure, I can probably rephrase it Alpha Girl as "no-nonsense, highly capable, independent, determined, fierce", but I guess I was mistaken in believing that was easier to understand.

      So anyway, do you know what these kind of girls look out for?

    • Nice reference! !

    • no but I hate that our world is turning into such a beast and thank you @KBob93

  • I like Alpha girls, you are a very lucky guy...

  • HUH? Do you even know what 'Alpha' means?

    • Perhaps not as clearly as I thought I did. I take the conventional definition of Alpha Female, but minus the part about passion, having it easy getting guys. That is still pretty much alpha, isn't it?