Is it wrong to feel bad that my girlfriend is not a virgin?

I'm over 30, and I'm one of those very rare people who still hasn't had sex and still doesn't want to until marriage.

Not too long ago, I finally met a girl who comes very close to my image of perfection. She's smart, she's beautiful, she's classy, and we share a lot in common.

The issue is that since I've waited so long without having sex, I wanted to make it more special by being with someone who has also waited and never had sex before.

I always pictured that when I fell in love with a girl and married her, that we'd both be virgins on our wedding night.

And the thing that really breaks my heart is that she wanted the exact same thing as me!

But as she got older, she lost hope, because she didn't think there would be any guys like me out there. So she decided to have sex with a guy who turned out to be a total player, and was just using her for sex. She thought that by having sex with him, she could get him to want to be with her, but instead she got really hurt when he dumped her.

I feel like a real jerk for reminding her of this, because it causes her a lot of pain. But I can't deny that I don't feel good about it. And she knows I don't feel good about it, and it makes her feel very insecure. She wishes she never told me she had sex before, although I think it would be worse if she lied and told me she was still a virgin.

What do I do!

I would likely to mainly hear from people who have or have had the same expectations as me at some point. Obviously, if you feel sex is no big deal, your perspective will be different.


Most Helpful Girl

  • I totally understand what you mean. The problem is that in todays society sex and intimacy have become too common like a trend and people don't value them as much. My situation is kind of similar, although my bf is a virgin he's kissed other girls before and it makes me sooooooo upset and insecure (although I know this is nothing compared to your situation). It's like we feel our partner should only have experienced all that intimacy with us and no one else. I guess if you really want to be with her and think she is perfect in all other areas then you're gonna have to let it go otherwise it will ruin your relationship and you'll probably push her away if you keep being upset over it and bringing it up. She probably sees all that from her past as meaningless, it holds no importance to her and she hates that guy now. If she loves you and wants to be with you then give her a chance, it will be very rare for you to find another virgin girl at this age and even if you do what are the chances that she will be as compatible? She could be a virgin but have the worst personality. So think about it wisely, weigh the pros and cons and don't let your emotions get the better of you (I'm trying to do the same) Good luck!

    • Thank you! It's good to know that there are other people in this world that understand how I feel.

      I also know how you feel about kissing, because I wanted my first kiss to be special too. I actually had never even been kissed until a year ago, and the kiss was nothing special. Your bf may feel the same about the other girls he kissed. Those kisses may mean nothing to him.

      But sex is the greatest act of physical intimacy. If she'd done everything but sex, at least we might have something new for both of us to one day look forward to. But she confessed to me that the guy she gave her virginity to, she was so crazy in love with that she wanted to have his baby! I know that's probably her hormones talking, but it makes me feel so bad. She had refused to have sex with her previous boyfriends, but then she met this one guy... and I guess she wanted to be with him so bad. So she felt that if she could give him the one thing she'd never given any other guy, he'd stay with her forever!

    • And it's so hard for me that I can never share that with her. I don't know if she could ever feel the same way about me that she felt for that guy. For her, giving her virginity was an act of pure love, even though the guy didn't deserve it.

      And we can't even have sex, which makes it even harder for me. I'm a guy, so obviously there's a part of me that already really wants to have sex with her to begin with. Now, knowing that she had sex with another guy and that's something very special to her that I can't share, makes me want to have sex with her even more!

      But logically, it would be a mistake. Without the commitment of marriage, we still might break up one day. And if we were to break up, having sex would hurt both me and her. I know how sex with that other guy affected her, when he dumped her, and I don't want that to happen again. I also don't want to hurt my future wife, because she might feel the same way I feel right now.

      But at the same time, I like her a lot.

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 8

  • She sounds like a really lovely person... and she didn't have a good "first time" or whatever... are you seriously going to hold that over her head? I'm a virgin and I prefer guys who are virgins... but not if they think like you do. I don't want to be with someone so close-minded and inconsiderate enough to hold something like this against a partner who otherwise seems perfect. I think people are fetishizing virginity these days and making it more than it is. It IS important but it shouldn't determine if you say yes or no to someone, especially when she clearly wasn't sexually promiscuous with 93482039490234 men and didn't give a damn about the act.

    • I should also say... she trusted you and told you the truth. The way you are reacting to her is incentive for her not to be honest about other things that may bother her in the future. If I were her... I would break up with you and find someone more accepting.

    • That's very harsh!

      I don't think you have a full picture. Look, I do feel guilty about how I feel. I wish I didn't feel the way I do, but I can't help it. Perhaps reading some of my other comments will help you understand why.

      You are right that I do appreciate her being honest with me, but I would expect nothing less in a serious relationship.

  • Grow up and accept that life not always happens exaclty the way we want. You're being very selfish and sexist.

  • Girls like her are hard to come by. Ideally you see her as perfection... because that's what she is.

    Just because she is no longer a virgin she shouldn't be anything less than perfect.

    It is kind of selfish of you to hold that against her.

    It's a beautiful thing... the fact that you waited. But are you willing to compromise the beautiful thing you have going with her?

    You shouldn't make her feel bad because she isn't a virgin... she already feels bad enough.

    If you love and truly care for her... then continue to be with her. If you can't see past her past... then it is time to let go.

    Hypothetically speaking... what if she had been raped/assaulted... thus making her a virgin no longer... would you hold that against her too?

    Sometimes you have to get past your pride in order to see the good in things.

    • If she had been raped, it would be completely different because rape is not sex since it is usually not pleasurable. Sex is an emotional experience. It involves trust, intimacy and love. It especially makes me feel bad that my girlfriend told me she feels that sex is love in its purest form. She told me she felt completely in love with the guy when she had sex with him, like nothing she has ever felt before.

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    • I don't know, it just seems to me that sex changes everything. I think it's so wrong in society that people have sex before marriage, and this only reinforces my belief. People believe that just because everyone else does it today that it doesn't make a difference, but I think it does. The whole way we view relationships today (only thinking about the present) is completely wrong, and that's why they usually don't last!

      I just don't accept the way most of the world views relationships -- as something that only happens in the moment, with no consequences of past or future.

      On the other hand, the world has never been a perfect place, and there probably is no such thing as a perfect relationship, so I don't know. Maybe what I have is as much as I can hope for, and maybe I can make it work. I just don't know.

    • I completely understand and respect your opinion and views.

  • "Not too long ago, I finally met a girl who comes very close to my image of perfection."

    Emphasis on the FINALLY.
    Seriously, her not being a virgin is just a tiny detail if you consider the big picture and the odd chances of having found someone you like and likes you back. Is your virgin wedding night more important than finding/ being with someone you love?
    Are you sure you aren't just feeling a bit nervous because she is in a way more experienced than you? But it seems her experience wasn't even that great and it sounds like she would love to start anew with someone more worthy this time. You still have a lot to learn together.

    • See the comments I've written others. Love is a funny thing. She says she felt truly in love with the guy she lost her virginity to, even though I think that was probably mainly hormones, and she was blinded to the fact he was not right for her.

      She and I are very much alike in the sense that we are both very emotional people, and we both have strong emotions when it comes to attachments. I think the fact that I think I do understand how she felt from that experiences makes it even worse for me, because it's like it's eating me up inside!

      I do have strong feelings for her, and I want her to be with a guy who fully loves her because she deserves that. At this point, I don't know if that guy will be me or not, because as much as I want to be able to get over this, I don't know if I will. As much as I like her, I've also been feeling incredibly depressed about this. There are times when I wish we were still just friends, because I want to be her friend, and I hate the way I feel.

  • Is it wrong to turn down an otherwise perfect girl for you? No, if you are convinced that you truly need a virgin girl or else you will hold it against her someday. But if you truly want her, but can't live with the fact that she's done it but you haven't.. you could sleep with another woman (with her consent of course) and see if you feel better about it.

    • Well, right now, I don't know. It's something that bothers me a lot that I try not to think about. She knows this, and I think that whenever we argue, even if it's about something completely unrelated, this is what's going through both of our heads.

      I realize the past can't be changed, so I'm hoping I will get over this one day. I just can't promise that I will be able to.

      I don't think having sex with someone else would help either of us. By the way, in case it's not clear from my original post, I still don't intend to have sex with her unless I marry her. Because if I don't marry her, and I end up marrying a girl who is a virgin, I want to remain pure.

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    • I'm not afraid to have sex with her because she's not a virgin, if that's what you're thinking. Having a one-night stand would probably make me feel worse, because I think of casual sex as immoral, and so I would not only be doing something immoral but enabling someone else (the girl I slept with) to do something immoral as well. Also, it's not going to be the same, because she felt she was completely in love with the guy she had sex with.

      Right now, what I want to do is work on building our emotional bond together. I just worry that this sex thing is going to get in the way of that. If having sex meant nothing emotionally to her, it would actually be easier for me to get over this, I think. But the fact is that giving her virginity meant everything to her. She can never give that level of trust to anyone else ever again, and even if she could, I wouldn't know until after marriage since we can't have sex until then.

    • I never thought you were afraid of sex with her. Just suggesting an 'easy' way to not feel/be so hard on her, because then you'd have done it yourself too. Honestly, I really have the feeling that you will never be able to let it go.

  • That's where people get disappointed by having EXPECTATIONS then blaming the person because they don't live up to YOUR dream. She's done nothing wrong, but you are not wrong, you cannot help how you feel.

  • I believe that people can change. Judge her on her present attitudes and views rather than her past. Is she going to refrain from sexual activity until marriage, from this point on?

    • I am dating a guy who seems wonderful. He once had a girlfriend for several years and was planning to marry her, but it didn't work out. I don't know if he lost his virginity to her or not, but it's an insecurity in my mind. I am a virgin saving myself for marriage, and it bothers me that he may not be a virgin too. But I also feel like it would be very judgmental of me to break up with him if I should happen to find out that he has had sex before.

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    • The guy I am dating only became a strong Christian after he broke up with his ex-girlfriend, that is why he may not be a virgin.

    • You should definitely ask him what he believes about sex then. Start with that before asking about his history.

      My situation is slightly complicated. It certainly would be ideal if my girlfriend were Christian and had the same faith as me. I don't know if I could ever marry her, because inter-faith marriages are problematic.

      But see, she came into my life at a time when I was in shambles, and ready to give up dating forever. The previous girl I dated claimed to be Christian but didn't act it -- she did many horrible things without remorse, including having sex with a married man in front of me! By comparison, my current girlfriend being atheist didn't seem so bad, because also she's only atheist because her parents brought her up that way. She's confused about what she believes, but she's also kind of innocent to the world. She's had her heart broken by a lot of guys, including a Christian guy who wouldn't date her because she's atheist. I'd feel guilty for causing her more pain.

  • No offense but if you love her, you'll get over it. It won't be special in the way tht you WANT but you're not realizing it's always more special with the one you love.


What Guys Said 8

  • I want to say I feel the exact same way. This happens to be my biggest fear. I am 20 and a virgin and I want my first partner to be a virgin too. I feel it is more mutual that way.

    This is something subjective, and it is difficult for others to see it in the same perspective as us, even with a detailed explanation. But you are proof that I am not alone.

  • Vaginas don't exactly memorize dicks dude...
    So what she had sex with another guy, it was some time ago..
    She likes you, she's pretty and has a personality you dig, why make a deal out of it...
    Nobody forced you to wait till marriage, that was your own choice and at your age, you're not going to find many virgins.

  • You're over 30? Dude you need to get a grip, and get over it. Otherwise you're going to be that virgin for a LOOONG time.

  • "Not too long ago, I finally met a girl who comes very close to my image of perfection. She's smart, she's beautiful, she's classy, and we share a lot in common."
    You're lucky but for your own problem.
    Don't spoil your luck because of your virginity idea. She's NOT 'damaged goods'. Consider it as rape by deception or delusion.
    (would you really turn down a widow or a raped girl?)
    Don't spoil her luck either thus.

  • totally wrong!!!

  • Look for future and forget her past. Live a present happy life. That's it. You are thinking tooooo much. Thanks.

  • Props for holding out. You have to stop making a big deal of it. What happened before you guys met is in the past. If you love her you can look past anything for her. at least she had the same ideal to begin with so make a new life together and forgive what was in the past.

  • You are not being fair to her. You resent her for living her life before she even met you. How was she supposed to know that she'll meet someone with the same mindset? She's waited long enough. She's done nothing wrong and you make her feel bad. It's one thing to value sex, but to make a wonderful girl feel lousy for sleeping with one guy - ONE GUY - whom she believed will stay with her at the time you weren't even an option, is unreasonable.
    I think you should look deep into yourself and honestly figure out if this is something you can let go completely. If you can, stay with her and don't ever mention it to her again cause you have no right to. If you can't, if this is something that is going to poison your relationship and always be present in some part of your mind and in the picture you have of her - then let her go. There are plenty of guys who will want a girl that is classy, smart and beautiful and she deserves to be valued for who she really is, not for what some guy in the past played her into doing. If your idea of purity is worth losing her, then go and find a virgin. Just be careful: looking for a girl primarily based on her sexuality often doesn't lead to a healthy relationship.
    Good luck!