Am I Clingy? Are my behaviors clingy?

I have been dating someone for a few months now (exclusively two). Based on how men have treated me when I was in my teens, I am very insecure in relationships. I have always been treated as an object and was constantly harassed, I have been sexually assaulted twice and I have been told from people over and over again that my body is my fortune. I share all that so you have an idea of why I am insecure... I have been treated as if I don't have much to offer outside of my physical when I personally know that to be untrue, I just am insecure that if other people realize that as well...

So here are my behaviors;

I text him, give or take, one to four times a day. (all spaced out typically and with purpose). He doesn't always respond and it is getting to the point I don't even want to text him anymore because it gets my anxiety up. I have a thought and I want to complete it in conversation with him. I haven't expressed that it upsets me but it does...

I call him on nights he doesn't call me first. Just to hear his voice because I love to hear his voice. He usually calls me every other night and we talk for twenty to thirty min. s.

I initiate dates because he isn't one to make plans, things usually just happen on his end. I feel like when I ask to see him I am being needy. I see him may one to two days a week and I spend the night at least once.

I do text him good morning occasionally and/or goodnight, wishing him a good day or sweet dreams. I don't get text's back usually. Sometimes, at night, a phone call shortly after and we talk for about thirty minutes...

So am I clingy? Needy? or?

I know he does like me and want to be with me but sometimes I wonder if he is with me just because he gets lonely from time to time.

Opinions are appreciate people. Advice is appreciated.

How can I snap out of thinking about him often? I don't have a lot of friends that I enjoy to be with because I am a homebody and every one wants to party at my age...

  • You are clingy
    Vote A
  • You are borderline clingy
    Vote B
  • I don't think he is into you
    Vote C
  • Let the relationship progress at it's own pace
    Vote D
  • Other explain below
    Vote E
Select age and gender to cast your vote:
I'm a GirlI'm a Guy
If you vote clingy, shed some light on what it is that I do which is clingy...
I am looking for advice not just confirmation.


Most Helpful Guy

  • I think your amount of contact with him is a little too much. If I were in a relationship, I wouldn't want my girlfriend texting me 4 times a day... hardly ever. Once a day is more than enough. I doubt he even has the time to check his phone and text back each time you initiate a text.

    It's normal to talk to your boyfriend/girlfriend on a daily basis, but it seems like you're pushing the contact, making it abnormal. You don't HAVE to call/text his whenever he doesn't initiate with you. Sometimes a day or two without any contact is perfectly fine. For example, if he's out having a day with his buddies, maybe he just wants to chill and hang with the guys, and is perfectly fine without any contact with you FOR THAT DAY.

    It's also not a good sign that you ALWAYS initiate dates. He should be WANTING to go out with you, but if you're always initiating, then it's evident that he doesn't feel this way.

    I suggest trying to focus on other parts of your life. Your boyfriend shouldn't be the ONLY thing in your life. You have to have other interests and people that you see and talk to on a regular basis. Your boyfriend should be a large component of your life, but he's still just a component. He's not your entire life.

    • I agree, absolutely, if he is doing things with his day or whatever, I don't sit there and text him asking what he is doing. Text I send him are more along the lines of a funny picture that reminds me of something that we talked about, or a good morning text wishing him a good day or a question I have regarding plans that we've made like if I am picking up a movie I ask if there is anything he has been wanting to see...
      I feel like this post came off to where it seems like i am all in his inbox, "babe wyd?" "imy"
      "are you busy?" "Hey!!"

      & the dates thing, yeah I hate that. Every weekend I know for a fact I will see him but I hate waiting for him to call me and ask me which ever day. I told him last week that I have plans I actually want to make and that if he cannot make a solid plan with me that I cannot just wait around so I am free. So last week we made a date for Saturday and cooked dinner together.

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    • Hmmm... I really didn't think that people were bothered so much about receiving one text a day.
      I will take that advice tho and see what happens.

    • Yeah, it's not that I'm saying to NEVER text/call him, just cut down on the frequency... and see what he does. See if he notices, see if he says anything, see if he changes, just see what happens...

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 3

  • Tbh you are really clingy. I see a few problems here. 1. The men you dated in your teens made you feel insecure. Maybe you chose the wrong type of guys if you keep getting hurt. Like Einstein said Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
    2. The whole spacing of the text doesn't show insecurity but lack of interest in a males perspective. I have experienced something like this and I just gave up and moved on. He needs to connect a little more and initiate dates as well. The MAIN issue here is time and communication. There clearly is lack of communication, therefore confusion and stress. You two should make an arrangement or take a day and travel or go to a waterpark or something and communicate and have fun. He needs to communicate more, but definently spend more time and communicate. That's what is part of a relationship. It's not always milk and honey. You have to work things out. Hope that helps.

    • How should I spend more time on communicating if I don't get a response? That is what makes me feel clingy, constantly trying to talk to him. If that makes sense. When we are apart he usually is at the gun range, with his family, friends or playing video games... In the beginning we used to talk a lot and I would try and give him space, like when he was at a family dinner I would tell him to enjoy his time with family and he would insist on continuing to chat. Now it is just a phone call every other night. I guess I really just miss getting to know him.

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    • I feel like if i talk to him about it now, I haven't had enough time to understand my feelings to where when I express them it may just sound here and there and all over every where lol. I just need to rest in them for a bit so I understand what my needs are and why I am actually feeling insecure with him.

    • I do appreciate your input

  • I'm sure I'm not the first one to ask... but have you ever been to a counselor regarding your experiences?

    PTSD isn't uncommon following sexual assault, and it sounds like, with the messages you've received, you could use some perspective (it's good you realize the messages are problematic!) and help sorting out your feelings.

    • I have yes and they suggested medication for it but when I was going to a counselor I was a minor still and my mother insisted that it wasn't true, I didn't need the medication. I've really been working on the healing process from an emotional stand point on my own but sometimes, like now, I fall right back into these emotions and stress points.

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    • Wow -- I have a suspicion that it's the exercise that's keeping you sane :) Hang in there. You seem very self-aware, both of where you are now and where you've been, which I think is a very good sign. Even if this particular relationship doesn't work out -- and 4 months isn't a whole lot of time -- it seems to me that you're asking the right questions.

      Like I said before, I think "feeling clingy" is pretty normal considering your description of your past, and in fact, I think a lot of people would handle it worse than you seem to be doing. I voted for "let the relationship progress at its own pace". If it's helpful, the average person, not knowing your past, might consider some of what you describe as "clingy". On the other hand, there are worse things. So talking out your past with him, if you feel he can handle it (maybe a bit at a time?) might put things in perspective for him.

      Also, further cultivating other friendships, especially with women, would probably be worthwhile.

    • One more thing: if you feel that this guy isn't reciprocating much, consider the possibility that he might not be that right for you, either! You may be focused so much on worrying about how he is feeling and reacting, that you're forgetting your own needs. Relationships are a two-way street.

  • even if you have to ask a website of people if your clingy kinda shows your clingy to be honest.

    • Well, I don't want to express my feelings for anxiety or insecurity to the person I am dating when I feel that it is something that I need to control myself personally because I am aware that it is resulting from personal experiences. I think that personally, only texting him one to four times a day (typically only once if he doesn't initiate text) and calling him occasionally (once to twice a week) is playing very relaxed... but I may be completely delusional to that and really be coming off clingy...

      Therefore my question, are my behaviors clingy?

What Girls Said 1

  • Okay, this is the same crap I went through with my ex. Everything is simlar. Break up with him, you have anxiety issues that you need to work out without a boyfriend, and him being an ass to you will not make it better. He's not treating you like you're in a relationship with him at all, ditch now, because "we need to talk" is coming around the corner.

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