Please help-- I don't know how to feel about this. I disagree with his choice to occasionally smoke weed. Am I being too controlling or unreasonable?

I'm with this guy, we aren't dating yet because of distance. We are committed to each other, just not officially. We both hope this will change in the future.

He is a wonderful person and I love everything about him. The only thing is that occasionally he smokes weed with his friends. He isn't a stoner or pothead or anything, it’s just for fun with his friends.

I can't agree with this choice. Yes, I am educated on it and I know it’s natural, not as harmful as other drugs, etc, etc. He says that I’m not “accepting him for how he is” and that “he’ll never be good enough for me", but smoking isn’t a part of his essence or his character. It’s a choice that has serious effects on him and me.

I told him that I would never be in a serious committed relationship (meaning if he were to be my boyfriend) with someone who smokes or does drugs. Is this wrong of me to give him this ultimatum? Am I being too dramatic or controlling? I know this isn’t a huge deal for a lot of people, but it’s a big deal for me and I honestly can’t picture myself with someone who smokes. This is a deal breaker for me, no matter how much I love him. It’s the health risk, illegal act, and stigma that will never make smoking okay in my eyes.

What are your opinions on this? Am I in the wrong or being too controlling if I were to ask him to give up an activity he enjoys?

  • Yes- Let him do what he wants
    Vote A
  • Sort of- It's just for fun
    Vote B
  • No- He should respect what you think
    Vote C
Select age and gender to cast your vote:
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Most Helpful Guy

  • Smoking pot is a choice, being in a relationship is a choice as well. If he wants to be with you he'll have to let that go, you are going to make compromises with him as well. If you really can't accept it, don't date him if he can't let it go. It's a habit that can be stopped but you can't force him to, however, he also can't force you to accept it.

    To sum up, if you can't really live with it, you can't really live with him. If he can't let it go, he can't be with you. If you can't compromise willingly and he can't compromise willingly it will always be an unresolved issue in your relationship.

    • I didn't vote because it is one sided,
      Yes - let him do what you want (but you're not going to be happy with it ever)
      No - He should respect what you think (but he's not happy with it)
      Vote B won't solve the problem as well.

      If he asked you to stop doing something you enjoy, would you do it?

    • Show All
    • This isn't an issue that I'm going to push now, because having a title on our relationship is a ways off. I really do like him and I hope that something so trivial doesn't become the deciding factor. I don't think that it would come between him and his friends, considering that they do many other things together besides smoke. Thank you for your time!

    • That is good for you. The fact is that you cannot change people, but some might be willing to change.

      Glad to help. Thanks for MHO.
      Good luck. :)

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What Guys Said 0

The only opinion from guys was selected the Most Helpful Opinion, but you can still contribute by sharing an opinion!

What Girls Said 7

  • i know very few people who have never smoked pot. sure, it's illegal in the us (in most states at least) but not in the rest of the world. and, of all the things he could do, pot has some of the least health risks. there is no evidence for it to be possible to OD and to actually die directly from pot - maybe people get high and do something dumb, but there is no evidence that suggests death from the drug itself. in our generation, there is very little stigma around smoking pot anymore, unless it's getting in the way of having a job and living a normal life. it is not addictive either. most people don't get caught - the main people who get in trouble for illegal drugs are dealers, sometimes buyers but there is a hierarchy there and, even if he buys its occasionally, i'm sure he's buying it from someone who bought it from someone who bought it from someone... you get the picture. and if he smokes someone else's pot and doesn't actually possess any, the chances of getting caught are even lower. i think you're being too controlling. let him smoke pot occasionally. of all the things he could do, this is the most minor and really not something to worry about, and especially not something that should be a dealbreaker.

    • that's just my opinion though. if it really bothers you, find someone who never smokes pot. that will actually probably be more difficult to find than you think. but you can't control him so don't bother with ultimatums.

    • Thank you for your response. One of the reasons that I feel this way is that my closest friends and ex boyfriend, as well as general peers that I surround myself with, didn't smoke and didn't have any intentions to. Because of this, it's a little hard for me to be okay with his choice.

  • You can't control him with ultimatums. Accept or don't. If you don't accept it then don't date him. He is free to do what he wants.

  • Hard question, one that needs answered if you are to be in a serious relationship with him. I'm like you, smoking weed isn't for me or if the guy I wanted to be in a relationship with wanted to smoke weed then he probably isn't for me either. I'm looking at it purely from the health standpoint, smoking anything really can't be good for you. So for me it would be a non-negotiable or irreconcilable difference; that's me.

  • If he really likes you, he will stop especially since he isn't a stoner or a pothead, and if he is doing for fun! Than what's the problem stopping for you? I think you should think this more through because he should respect your wishes, I understand what he is saying but once again he is doing it for fun and he should stop and do what makes you happy and not his friends

  • irreconcilable difference. breakup.

  • If he really respects u then he will want to make u happy and not do the things that make u unhappy

  • If it matters that much to you, you need to let him know it will not work out between you two but that you do not judge him for his life choices as neither one of you are qualified to state who leads a healthier life style between the two of you... I have a sneaking suspicion that eating a Big Mac MIGHT be a little more dangerous than smoking pot on occasion... but that's just me... and I don't smoke pot so there is no bias here...

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