How do I put my foot down in dealing with him talking to his ex girlfriend?

They dated for 4 years (us not even one and on and off because of this) and helped each other cope with very tough times. As a result they want to remain close friends.

We fought about his feelings for her and when I ask now he says something about loving her as he loves all his friends but never specifically says he does not retain special feelings for her. I expect him to a little bit but I expect him to try to get over her also.

It got bad enough that I read through his conversation with her and while I learned he does not flirt with her (so there's one fear gone), she does pretty frequently tell him how much she misses him and tries to bring up old good memories they had (ignoring how bad their relationship was for the last half).

I now trust him, but not her. When I confronted him he said she needed him to be stable with which I do not argue (but I think it's one of those situations where she's clinging to him but what she really needs is distance to heal).
I'm afraid she might eventually succeed in putting rose colored glasses on him because my relationship with him is obviously very strained.

1. I told him not to text her around me, which he doesn't. But seeing her name pop up on his phone still hurts
because it's always some long message, never just "hey".

2. I told him he needs to defend our relationship to her and tell her it's not acceptable to step all over it like that when she starts telling him how much she misses kissing him (he just brushes it off instead).

But how else can I keep her from wriggling into my relationship? What else can I say/suggest/do to stop myself from getting hurt when she texts him even though I know he isn't flirting back? While I understand the importance of the friendship to him, it hurts that he seems to be choosing his friendship with her over a happier relationship with me.



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What Guys Said 1

  • It sounds like you're on the right course of action but maybe an ultimatum is required: either you or her. Tell him that then wait for his reply. It should be immediate. He should be willing to delete her name from his phone right in front of you. Remind him that violation of that demand will result in killing off the relationship without a chance of a reconsideration. Again, it's either you or her... he has to make that decision right then; it has to be automatic otherwise you'll always will have this issue that will continue throughout the entire time of the relationship.

    • I'm considering it, I think it may come to that in the next few months. Thanks!

What Girls Said 1

  • If he is continuing to talk to her and goes against what you ask. His heart is not with you. The right person would never make you feel this way. If you have a feeling she could put "rose colored glasses on him" he's not in it for the long haul with you hun. I know it hurts to hear, but he has unresolved issues with her, it seems, and may be emotionally unavailable

    • It does kind of feel that way. He used to tell me he loved me but then we fought about this and he doesn't anymore. I can tell he's shell shocked from me actually breaking up with him over it where he thought we'd be forever. So I know that he's being really guarded right now because he's scared of me breaking up with him a third time over it. Problem is, now I can't tell the difference between guarded and emotionally unavailable or some weird mix and how long it's going to last. I'm trying to hang on longer to sort it out. Thanks!

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