How slow is slow?

Ok so I've started casually dating a great guy. We've only been or 5 dates or so. no sex or even kissing yet. I told him that I'm kinda falling for him and that it'll be good to know how he feels before we drag it out for too long. He was sweet about it and told me that the feeling is mutual, but that he wants to take it really slow because of a previous experience. Question is, how slow is slow? We haven't seen each other in over 2 weeks, and we email back and forth every 3rd day... obviously I'm waiting for him to contact me when he feels like it... but its driving me nuts... is he just too soft to say what he really feels, or will he come around? Would a guys in general be honest and tell the girl if its not there instead of having a short chat every now and then to not hurt her feelings? I know I need to be patient, but I'm moving closer and closer to just giving up.

happy to say that we are still seeing each other! (at the risk of sounding a soppy) it feels so much more powerful to get to know each other in this way. Yes! No kiss yet... and sooo looking forward to it...lets hope he's a good kisser ;)
Old school romance still exists... and its wonderful.


Most Helpful Guy

  • I have a few thoughts. They might not apply to your specific situation, but I think they'll be useful:

    -This guy sounds very smart. He's trying to avoid the same mistakes he's made in the past, and he's deliberately working towards a different goal. Those are signs of insight, intelligence and discipline -- and those are all good traits in a partner. You sound fortunate to have met this guy.

    -There's a possibility he's too soft to say what he feels. But also, what he feels might not be important, or might be a bad idea. if an alcoholic _feels_ like having a drink, for example, should he follow that impulse? Or should he learn to not speak about and act on every feeling?

    - I think you're on the path that's most likely to lead to a healthy long-term relationship. Too many people rush into relationships and get wrapped up in each other too soon.

    -Rushing into relationships can be addictive, because the emotions are so powerful. I wonder if you're accustomed to getting wrapped up in people too soon...

    -However, if you're unsatisfied with the way things are, I don't think you're obligated to keep your mouth shut about it and feel frustrated. You have every right to say, for example, "I like you and I'm okay with going slow, but it sometimes feels a little too slow. What are your thoughts about seeing each other more often?" Perhaps you two can reach a compromise.

    Good luck. I hope this helps!

    • I forgot this:

      Some Orthodox Jews don't touch until they're married. I mean no kissing, no hand-holding, nothing! And they say dating that way keeps their emotions and their intellect clear because they're not worried about sex. They can truly get to know someone in a very rare, intimate way,a and evaluate if someone's a good match.

      I don't know that I'd _never_ touch a date, but I think they're onto something valuable: their marriages tend to last for life.

    • All my previous relationships started of with a bang... and fizzled out just as quickly. Longest relationship was 4 years, but he didn't love me. Guess its worth more if you give him time to fall in love with you. He needs to love you a little more than what you love him (to put up with your hormonal mood swings every now and then) :) thanx for the great answer.

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What Guys Said 4

  • Do you want advice or confirmation?

    Confirmation: you're probably correct in what you observe.

    Advice: You know you need to be patient. (Apologies to Nike) Just Do It. Bad relationships can leave scars that last for years. Believe me, I know. :-(. He needs to feel that you're somehow 'different' from his prior. That takes time. Time wounds all heels. I hope you give him the chance to see that it will be different this time.


  • It's one of 2 things. Either its not really there for him and he doesn't have the guts to tell you (or he's waiting and hoping that he will feel it in time); or he is considering or dating someone else and wants to see how that goes. Either way I don't think its a good sign -- you should be honest and ask him to either make time for you or call it quits.

    • On the other hand, taking it slow might mean he doesn't want to rush into things and screw anything up.

  • One thing, did he avoid trying to kiss you at all on those 5 dates or was it that you wanted to hold off doing so until you knew how he felt?

    For me, if a girl didn't even kiss me after 5 dates, I'd get the hump. That is, I'd start to think that maybe I was wasting my time, whether they were a sweet person or not and yes guys aren't the best at ending things so sometimes they just p*ss the girl off to the point the girl ends it.

    Of course, I could be wrong and it's him that hasn't made any sort of move on you. Which would suggest he's not had much experience with the opposite sex or he has a completely different mindset from every guy I've ever known.

    Good luck, but be straight with him, what have you got to lose?

    • There were a couple of perfect moments for him to kiss me, and he withdrew and became distant all of a sudden and quick to say goodbye, but then sends a message saying that he enjoyed the evening? he's confusing me. am I supposed to kiss him first then? thought I'd grab him by the collar next time I see him. lol. guess I'm weary of his reaction. caution also plays a big role on my side. (I'm acting like a nervous fur ball and this makes me not be myself which doesn't help at all)

  • every guy is different, no easy answer here. if you want to know then you have to just step up and ask. never underestimate the power of straight forward honesty. ask him exactly what you said here.


What Girls Said 3

  • The real question here is, is this working for you? Are you happy with dating a guy who hasn't tried to see you in over 2 weeks? Is that what you want?

    I personally would lose it. I am definitely against kissing on the first date or jumping into bed too soon if you want to figure out if a guy is serious. But, this is way too slow. A guy who had not kissed me by, say, the 3rd date, would really not work for me. That you haven't had sex yet is good. And now that he has not asked you out for 2 weeks, that wouldn't work for me either.

    And yes, in general, guys are not comfortable with telling you straight up that they are not feeling it for you. Guys tend to demonstrate more with actions than with words anyways and a lot of people, no matter their age, or sex, just are not comfortable telling someone they don't want to date them anymore. They just stop asking you out.

    So, decide if this works for you or not. If it doesn't I would talk to him but keep it all about the facts and not about whether he likes you or not. In other words, tell him calmly that you would like to see him more, say once a week and ask him what he thinks about that. If that doesn't work for him, you should thank him for his honesty and tell him this isn't working for you but you wish him the best. Then move on to make yourself available for a guy that will show a healthy interest.

  • Give the guy the benefit of the doubt. He was honest when he said he wanted to take it slow. He was being fair to you. Now, you can wait it out (and hope he's an EXCELLENT kisser), or you can find someone who moves at a faster pace.

    However, I used to be the most impatient person, but I met an amazing guy. I spent 2 months wondering what was up, going sooooooo slooooow. But he finally told me how he felt, and said that he had wanted to move slow. And now I'm in a healthy and committed relationship with perhaps the MOST amazing guy on earth. "Good things come to those who wait."

    Hang in there! :)

    • I'm in a situation like yours (by the way I know this is 5 months later) I hope everything is going well for you still. I've been seeing this guy for just over a month and its driving me insane taking things slow! But I like your quote... = ) its helping me

  • I am in almost the exact same sitation. Long story short, I've been seeing this guy for a three months now. He just told me how he felt about me only a few days ago, and over msn. He said he liked me but to be patient with him because he was just in a 4 year relationship and still misses his ex from time to time. I told him I understood this and was happy that he admitted his feelings finally, but I just want more attention then he gives me. I know that might sound bad, but it makes me upset knowing that he still thinks about his ex. And like you he contacts me when its convienient for him...

    I would say def be patient, as that is what I've been doing lol. Its hard sometimes, but rushing relationships never works out! It's what I'm used to, and I want it to change. So hold it out, and I hope everything turns out for the best:)

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