Moving on from a bad relationship?

A good few years ago my ex boyfriend sexual abused me. He was a controlling bully who genuinely frightened me, but could also be extremely nice and put on the water works if he knew he had gone a bit too far... he messed my head up for a year, I wanted to keep him as happy as I could but he could so easily change his mood and had a huge temper issue. Punching walls etc .

Anyway, I finally had counselling and told my mum as she was always pestereing me to go out and have fun, I know I'm not ugly, and understand why she was confused at my reluctant responses.

My friend is setting me up with someone she assures me is lovely. And as Much as I want a boyfriend I am terrified of doing anything with him. I have no sex drive at all, could happily go without it for the rest of my life. I even found after issues with tampons, I had internal scarring from force from my ex, it's sorted now but still.

What do I do. I am scared he won't want to know if he thinks I have way too many issues. It's such a rubbish situation.

Sorry for the long essay I just need some advice.
I didn't go to the police because I was young, stupid, and he was a manipulate liar, told me nobody would believe me.. and also kind of believed this what normaL.

Stating the obvious now, isn't really that helpful.


Most Helpful Guy

  • Why didn't you go to the police if he sexually assaulted you? Why were you going out with him in the first place? What happened to your douchebag radar?


Most Helpful Girl

  • That story is just dreadful.

    However, I wouldn't go on the date because I don't believe you are ready. I trust that your friend has set you up with a nice guy but even the nicest of guys may not be able to get past the barriers you have erected for your own protection.

    Make yourself the No.1 priority right now. Dating and BFs can take a back seat for a while. Enjoy your family, friends, work, life, passions, etc. and get back to a state where you can actually see another man being part of your life.

    Why not just hang out with this guy and your friend for a while? I think you need to see what guys are like when just doing nothing in particular together so that there is no pressure. Being comfortable around guys is going to be a huge priority for you which will lead onto trust being gained so that you can have a sexual relationship too.

    One step. Just one step at at time. I wish you luck with everything.

    • Thank you.
      I just feel it's been so long, since I was with him, and he's ruined the best years supposedly of your life (although I'm only 22). I don't want him to have that power anymore. I want what my friends have. Your right about the therapy but It's easier said than done getting it, even the free sessions have huge waiting lists. All the counsellor I did see helped me with was accepting it was rape, and also just telling her everything he did and getting it all out. I need a whole new level of counselling for this don't touch me issue.

      One step at a time though your right. I'm still smiling, and I don't hate him. I feel sorry for him really, when all my friends found out he soon lost all his '_friend's, to be honest noone liked him anyway he just happened to be my best friends twin! 😬 he was like a bad smell.

    • You have amazing strength of character to be so forgiving and wanting to just get on with your life.

      At your age, the best years are about to start. There has been nothing wasted here. There is no rush to be in something with someone or to do whatever everyone else is doing. Do what you want to do and whatever it is that makes you happy.

      He has no power over you anymore. The reason: you got out of the situation, healed yourself where possible and are looking at the future. If he still had power over you, you would be waiting, waiting and waiting before even thinking about a new BF. You've moved on from his cruelty and want to restart the relationship side of your life. It seems like you got this down already :)

    • I don't need to hate him
      My mum wants to kill him for me.

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 1

  • You truly need counseling/therapy after such an abusive experience. If you don't, you run the serious risk of repeating your abusive experience.


What Girls Said 1

  • You should do some therapy to move on from your past. You were abused for quite some time and that scar, that bad experience, won't go away by time. You should talk to someone professional in this matter. Also, you can try and explain your situation to your new boyfriend, if he's worth your heart, I'm sure he'll understand and support you to recover from your past.


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