My boyfriends Anger Issues?

I've been with him for 4 years. Its been a roller coaster ride almost the entire time. He's accused me of cheating on him since day 1 practically. Constantly telling everyone I lie to him 24/7 and just over all making me look like a scum bag. His whole family always blames me for him and I's issues. Regardless of knowing both sides of the story. Well... His anger issues.. Never has he once put his hands on me. But he screams bloody murder at me all the time. The reason why I'm posting this is because I don't know what to do. I've tried talking to him and things will get better for awhile and then turn back around full bore. Same with me leaving. Shit will go good so I will come back and then shit will hit the fan again. Through the last few blowouts I've remained silent. Because I know the turn out either way. He will always stand above me screaming in my face. About an hour ago he pulled a stunt bigger than he ever has. He was pissed but still talking calm. His voice slightly raised but nothing major. Then as soon as we heard his parents walk into the house, he went off. I have never been scared of him before. And I was petrified. He took his side table and flipped it up and all over the bed that I was sitting on. Smashing our picture and dumping out the hot wax of his scentsy burner. He stormed out of the room and two seconds later came in and picked it up. And then went off on me again. He was screaming at the top of his lungs about how much a whore I was. Talking about how I'm on my phone 24/7. Which I'm not by the way. And just going off about stupid shit. But honestly... I was begging him to stop and he just got worse and worse. Until finally, I was in whole blown anxiety attack. Couldn't breath or speak. When he noticed, he said "Here we fucking go again" and tried pulling me against his chest to calm me down. I fought with all I could to get away from him. He eventually calmed down a little bit.. But I just don't know what to do anymore.
He knew how important marriage was to me. I remember back when we first got together, I told him that a relationship to me, meant working on a forever together. A family. A new beginning. We have two kids together. A boy and a girl. Things will go so well for awhile. Months even. And as soon as one argument comes up, he will say "I was gonna fucking purpose to you. I was looking at rings and everything. Not now though. You fucked that up real quick." He knows how much marriage means to me.


Most Helpful Girl

  • Holy crap. Where is he from? I'm not even joking, that is like... almost exactly detail by detail how my very first boyfriend who abused me was. He constantly accused me of cheating and would call me a whore/slut/bitch, etc. He would scream at me, punch holes in walls, and isolate me from everyone else. Everyone thought I was the problem. During that time I started having severe panic attacks every time he would yell at me and I would not be able to breathe, so then he would comfort me, say he loved me and that he wouldn't hurt me. Once I calmed down, he'd just do it all over again until I said what he wanted to hear or did what he wanted me to do (he would also force me to delete friends out of my life and even wanted me to stop talking to my male cousin). It sounds really similar, doesn't it?

    This is abusive behavior. And I can tell you how mine ended up. I was eventually sexually abused repeatedly, threatened, my family threatened, and emotionally tormented for months. I had eating disorders, sleeping disorders, depression disorders, anxiety disorders, the panic attacks got worse, I started self-harming, and even attempted suicide. It is absolutely NOT worth it no matter how much you think you love him and he "loves" you. That is not love, it is abuse and you need to get out before it gets worse, because it WILL get worse.

    The worst part is, and I'm sure you probably know how this is, you get attached to your abuser. Many people do not understand this, but these abusers know how to manipulate. In my case, he isolated me from friends and family, used personal things against me, and threatened me (so I couldn't leave). They also do what you described here, that "push/pull" game I call it. He abuses you into a panic attack and in your moment when you need someone to calm you down, he becomes your "hero". Wash, rinse, repeat. The isolation on top of this, a victim will become attached to their abuser for "survival". Again, please, value your life and leave ASAP.

    • And please, PLEASE feel free to message me. Believe me, I never want someone to have to go through what I did, ever. If you need some help with ending things and getting away from him, help coping with any issues, please feel free to message me and I will do anything that I can to help.

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    • Yeah, it's because I've lived it, too. And I know how bad it can get. And trust me when it affects your kids, too. Like you said, it is affecting your son's behavior. I know how you feel, but for the safety of you and your kids, you need to leave. He does need help, but unless HE wants to change, he won't change. The guy I was with claimed he needed help and would get help, too. He didn't, it got worse. Most abusers do not change either. Regardless of anger issues, I don't think someone would abuse someone they loved. I think you and your kids deserve much better and it isn't him.

      However, as for actually leaving, I am not an expert and I think it will be difficult for you to do (since you've gone back before), especially if your kids ask you questions about it. I would get a counselor and ask the counselor what she thinks and what the best way of going about it is. This needs to be done asap. I truly hope you will find what is best for you and your children. I am here for you.

    • Thanks for MH! :) Hope it goes well for you.

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What Guys Said 6

  • RUN! Do NOT look back. This guy is a time bomb. You do not deserve to be treated like that. You say he never laid a hand on you but he is still emotionally abusing you. What a scumbag this guy is. Holy cow I don't know why you would be with him.

    • I always go running back. Its like I don't have any self control whatsoever.

    • RUN. Whatever feelings you have for him you WILL have for someone else. Someone who treats you right. This isn't a relationship it is him exercising power and control. His family is supportive of him. Do you really see a future with this scum? Please leave him today. Do not go back no matter how much he begs. Get a restraining order if you have to.

  • After four years of this, you still have not learned that he has major issues?

    Hon, he is not going to change. When you walk away, he is going to beg and beg and beg, because he knows no girl is as loyal as you are. No girl is going to put up with his BS.

    Nobody... But you.

    One day he s going to come unglued and physically harm you.

    He will be sorry.

    Very sorry.

    But he will do it again. And again. You may even find yourself running for your life.

    Don't let it get to that point.

    A woman should feel safe around her man. She should feel honored, protected, loved, even cherished.

    Do you?

    • I'm so afraid to leave. I love him dearly. He's a great person. He truly is. But his anger is so out of control. He's begged me for help with his anger. But I don't know how to help him. I have no idea where to begin.

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    • If you have time, I recommend you watch this: video. It's on rejection This one is for you.

    • Thank you very much! I am more than willing to try this!

  • So why did you ever go out with him in the first place? Just leave he and his whole family sound like a bunch of monsters.

    • His anger wasn't like this until about a year in. He always accused me of cheating but the anger started later. When I was pregnant with our daughter. I always go running back to him. Probably because I want our kids to be with both parents.

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    • What this guy says is true. Our children's first role models are their parents. They will copy the behavior of their parents. Your children can very likely develop abusive behaviors or become victims of abuse themselves. They learn that this is "normal". Do not let him use the kids as a way to manipulate you. You and your kids deserve better than that. :)

    • I'm afraid for my kids. My son is already showing signs of trauma (even though we never lay our hands on our babies). He has been lashing out physically with his sister. Telling her he doesn't like her and even sometimes becoming physically abusive towards her. He is only 4 years old. At first I thought it was because he is a mommas boy and was simply jealous because he was not the center of attention anymore. But... When I do leave, a new problem arises. My son is brilliant. I did well raising him. He is wise beyond his years. And whenever I do leave his father, he asks me the same question... "If you love each other why can't you make it work? All you need to do is love daddy. Daddy needs your help." Over and over again he has told me this. And I know deep down it is true. His father does need help. But I don't know how to help him.

  • Leave his ass and don't ever go back. You can say he loves you til hell freezes over but it's just not true. No man has the right to treat a woman like that. He has some really serious issues that he will not get better on his own , and you can not cure him either. Sure he hasn't hit you yet , YET !! I have seen his kind before young Lady , it's coming I promise you that. Really just get away from him and let him do his stupid raging on someone else before he causes you to have an attack that calming won't help or he hurts you physically. Surely you know your worth far more than he will EVER treat you as.

  • so basically YOU ARE INNNN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. I just thought I would put it gently

  • Life is short. Why on earth are you wasting it with that idiot?


What Girls Said 1

  • Okay first of all, even though you said he hasn't layed a hand on you (physically hurt you) he is abusing you, verbally. And you are abused, emotionally. Remmeber you have the right to be angry just as much as him, but the best thing to do is to leave this relationship, sure there a good times but the bad times are not the usual ups and downs of a relationship. From what it sounds, he's abusing you more ways than one, screaming at you, turnning people against you, making you the Antagonist. That is not right and you have to draw the line when you have something as serious as an anxiety attack. I suggest talking to someone about this, pouring out to someone you trust. You are not the one wrong here and don't ever think that, don't let him paint you the villain.


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