I show interest in guys and then they run, what am I doing wrong?

I'm literally going to be 26 years old in about five minutes and every year when my birthday comes around I reflect on my life. Lately being single has been getting to me. Not that I"m ready to settle down and pop out 80 babies but I just want to meet a guy that I have chemistry with, one that I can just sit on the couch with and watch tv. I want to go out with a guy, have a beer watch a football game and talk about things and laugh about dumb stuff. I've spent a good portion of my life single so I can handle being alone but I want to have someone. All the guys I come across just aren't right. Either they want to get in my pants the first 18 secons of meeting or it's totally no chemistry and boring conversation. And then you have the psychos. But it seems like now and let me also say I am failry new to the dating world so all of these experiences are new to me. Anyway back to what I'm saying, I will meet a guy and he will be the one pursuing me, I don't play hard to get but I take some time to feel out the guy hopefully to see his intentions. So finally maybe after a few days or a week, I'll will start to show more interest and then it seems like everything cools down, he stops talking to me, or becomes very short with me. It seems like guys want me the most when I'm not quick to give them 100% attention but when I do it's a wrap. It hurts my feelings because I don't want to play these games. I just need some advice from those of you that have some real life experience, some years, some damn knowlegde on what dating is all about please give me some advice and experiences. Because I feel like sometimes maybe I should just be a cat lady or a lesbian and I really don't want to. And for men out there tell me why certain guys do things like this and if you have nay advice on what I should do.


Most Helpful Guy

  • I just turned 26 this month too and I know exactly where you're coming from. I can only really speak from my experiences, but I'll try to answer your question honestly.

    In the past I've occasionally met girls that I've considered to be "out of my league", I'd be absolutely obsessed with them and think of little else, but when they showed interest, I'd completely lose interest and try to push them away. For me, it was about the chase, I was never really "interested" in anything about them besides the fact that I thought that I'd never be able to get them, when I realized that I could, they lost their appeal because we didn't really have any chemistry. And then there are also the girls that turned out to be someone else when I got to know them; I lost interest in them when I realized that they weren't the person that I was interested in.

    As for advice, the best I can offer is to keep being yourself and not worry about it too much. That way, when you do meet a guy that's interested, he'll be interested in YOU and not a facade that you're wearing or a persona that you're adopting. The cards'll be on the table and he'll know what he's getting into. Also, it's better to strike while the iron's hot and not beat around the bush. Within the span of a few days, his interest can die down if he thinks that there's none in your end. Communicate, let him know that you're feeling something. I'm not saying to rush things or tell him that you want him, just give him something to keep him on his toes and keep the hope alive.

    Either way, for now, just focus on enjoying life and being a better you.

    • I really appreciate your honesty. I guess I should have phrased myself better, I do show interest. There are guys that come on strong and I'm like whoa and If I'm feeling them I will flirt back, and let them know I find them attractive, charming, sweet etc but then it's like the more I show that interest the less interested they become. It makes me feel like I can't 1005% let them know hey I want to get to know you without me somehow feeling that I'm doing something to push them away. It's just a tough and weird scenario.

    • Well you're likely to fail a few times before you succeed, that's just a part of life. If they come on way too strong, that should be a red flag to begin with. The fact is that you're going to need that communication and you're going to have to let them know that you want to get to know them.

      The fact that it hasn't worked that well doesn't mean that it'll never work, it can fail on 99,999,999 people and it'd still be fine because it only has to work with one. Honestly, it's good that you're pushing the wrong people away, if they were right for you, they'd respond better to you.

      When you meet someone that's truly compatible, it'll likely be from doing what comes naturally to you.

      Then you have commitment, which you have to be absolutely sure that you're ready for. Don't look for someone to keep you company, look for someone that you'd be willing to share every aspect of your life with.

    • 404 summed it up pretty nicely so I'll just add this little piece. It's ok to be alone. It really is. I know what you're going through as I feel a lot the same way sometimes. You should strive to be more comfortable by yourself and being alone. I made up a quote a few years ago that goes "Being alone only bothers those who don't like themselves." Do this and eventually if it is meant to be you'll find a good man and will be able to appreciate him that much more. If you get too lonely you can always shoot a message and we can talk whatever. Best wishes.

Most Helpful Girl

  • Maybe you're coming on a little too strong.


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What Guys Said 3

  • No man wants a woman who is on the verge of becoming a cat lady or taking the easy way out of homosexuality.

    How much are you willing to invest in the right man? Good men who want to know you as a woman, the right way, are few and far between, but most of these men will see you as disinterested, aloof, shallow, selfish, or all of those things and never look twice at you.

    I am sorry to say it, but putting yourself out there means putting all of yourself out there.

    Thankfully you've come to realize that most men want to get in your pants. It takes women a while to finally realize that, some times.

    Finding what you want, which is true love, is an exhausting, painful, degrading, heart wrenching experience. It just is. It can take decades.

    You cannot have a "I'm about to retreat into my home and get a bunch of surrogates (cats) and give the finger to society..." And expect for any honest, honorable, genuine man to give you the time of day.

    If a man is going to invest all of who he is into you, if he senses you are not REALLY willing to invest all of who you are into him (And I am not talking about sex!) then why would he be interested?

    I am sorry but this is a complete investment of yourself into someone. Nobody wants to spend the rest of their lives with someone who only gives a little... or a part of herself to him and to the relationship.

    And that's why it is so important not to let your heart carry you away on deceiving emotions. Trust your gut. Trust your instincts about these guys. Your gut will never let you down, but beware if you taint it's still, small voice with your own bitterness.

    I am 35 years old and in the same boat as you are. I've got almost a decade on you. Are you willing to wait? Are you willing to do it right? Are you willing to put your heart out there -all of it- ?

    True love is the most difficult, painful thing you'll ever grasp for. But it will reward you for a lifetime.

    • LOL well I only say that as a joke, I don't plan on ever becoming those things truly. I'm not giving off that attitude to men, it's something in my head that I think about on occasion. As I mentioned to the poster above, when a guy is coming on strong and showing me he likes me and If I'm feeling him back I will let him know how I feel, but it's like as soon as I start saying hey lets see each other, or show that I want to get to know him he backs off. And it makes me feel like I'm coming on too strong? I feel like I get more attention giving less of my attention than fully showing them I want them and I hate that. I don't want to act like I don't care to have a guy care. I want to say hey I like you lets do this and that's it.

  • Happy birthday. I don't know what else to say but to just let your interest known right away. Don't play any mind games because even the littlest things can turn a guy off and make him run the other direction.

  • First of all Happy b'day... well you need to be yourself around the guy you crush on, do whatever you feel like around him, don't go with your plan as you stated above, go with the flow.


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