Guys, How do I define the relationship/ ask him what he's looking for?

Ok so I've been dating this guy for a few weeks and I really like him but I'm not sure if we're on the same page and I don't want to ruin things. We've gone out for drinks a couple of times as well as a study date which turned into him buying me lunch and then coming back to my place to hang out. He's cooked for me at his place and I've done the same for him. We will spend the entire day together and he's told me he's not sleeping with anyone else. He's super attentive, he remembers everything I say and a couple of times has surprised me with things he knows I like (for instance there's an ice cream van that's usually parked outside my place and I casually mentioned as we walked past it that I crave one when I see it, later he left my apartment to pick up coffee and surprised me with an ice-cream from the van). He'll also text me just to see how my day is going, he initiates contact 90% of the time. The thing is I don't want to get too invested in this guy if he's not interested in an exclusive relationship. I've never had to be the one to define the relationship, in the past guys have told me explicitly that they want me to be their gf, if not immediately it's been defined within the first week. Basically I need advice on how to define the relationship/ ask what he's looking for without seeming pushy. Everything has just been so great besides not knowing where this is going.


Most Helpful Guy

  • Here's what you do: Relax! Really; this guys seems to really like you. Guys don't just go do nice things for someone because they're bored. And if he was only after sex, he would have done that stuff before, but probably would have stopped afterwards.

    You're over-thinking things to the point of making yourself a nervous wreck, so stop! You don't have to "know" right away. Instead, why not just enjoy being with this guy, learning more about him and letting him learn more about you? It's not illegal; I promise. :-)

    Just take a deep breath and be excited, because he sounds like a really good guy that's very interested in you. If he's already admitted he doesn't want to sleep with anyone else, then he's pretty much told you he is thinking of you as an exclusive partner.

    Just have fun and enjoy your new boyfriend. :-)

    • Thanks for responding! That's sort of what I was thinking, I just don't know how long is normal to leave things undefined :/ but you're right, I'm gonna relax (he just keeps getting better, hence the nervousness)

    • Well then, he's the one doing all the work, so you can definitely relax. :-)

      As he increases his affection towards you, you can do the same. Maybe surprise him unexpectedly with something nice that he likes. I'm sure he'll appreciate it and that will tell him a lot about your feelings for him without you having to say anything.

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What Guys Said 1

  • Tell him you feel pretty close to him and want to go over some of the serious topics so that you both are on the "same page."

    Tell him what kind of relationship you are looking for, and then after you have shared, ask him what kind of relationship he is looking for.

    After that ground is covered, while you got him there, you may want to hit some of the other biggies like life goals (career, marriage, kids) and for you or for him I think its ok to say "see how things go first" because not everyone feels they want those things unless they are ready for them.

    • I'm just not sure how to ask these questions in an organic way i. e. without seeming like I'm grilling him. Any advice on what not to do?

    • Any advice on what not to do? Well first of all it better not be over your cellphone, text, facebook, e-mail, app of death, etc.. You better be face to face for this one.

      An appropriate time might be towards the end of a date night or a long conversation. You put your cards down first to see if he'll man up and put his cards down too. If he doesn't there could be something wrong, or an unwillingness to participate in a two-way style relationship.

    • Another words, you say first that you are currently seeking a longterm relationship. Then, "how about you?"

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