Can men honestly just not be ready to be vulnerable again (emotionally unavailable) versus you just not being the right woman?

It's only been 5 months since he got out of a on/off relationship. She then admitted to being a lesbian and is kinda harassing him, trying to make him be friends with her despite hurting him like that. He doesn't talk about it, but when I saw him get angry because she text him at my party the other weekend, I saw he was still dealing with it. Couple that with his distance and hot/cold behavior and I brought up the fact that I haven't let him know when I was free for a date because I felt he wasn't ready to date. He took a while to think about what I said and finally told me that he thought I was right and that he hadn't really thought about it like that. He said he thought we could have something, really liked me, liked getting to know me, but he wasn't ready to date and understood I was (because I have been single 3 years and I'm emotionally available.) He said he understood I couldn't invest and he didn't want to hold me back, but that regardless, he really liked me, liked getting to know me, and wanted to continue talking because he didn't want to rush what we had and he liked what it was so far. I told him I did too and I didn't want to leave him in the dust like men did me when I wasn't ready to be vulnerable again, so I would step back and keep my options open. He said thank you for putting him in his place and that he needed that, and we both agreed that we liked the fact that we can communicate and be honest with each other. I feel like he's being sincere, but everything you read online says men only say that when they don't like the girl enough to commit. What do you take from what he said?


Most Helpful Guy

  • Guys have to recover from relationships just like girls.
    Sure some rush from relationship to relationship, always on the rebound, but it rarely works out, just as it doesn't for girls that do it.
    Supposedly the average "recovery" time is about 3months (i would estimate longer, especially if the relationship was a long one). With her still contacting and messing with him it's likely he'll be torn up over it for a lot longer. On/off relationships also seem to leave deeper scars then their relative length would indicate.
    Hopefully knowing you are there and emotionally available to him will actually help him work through it faster, though you should be careful not to let him draw on you too heavily and risk getting hurt yourself if he goes off in another dirrection.

    • That's what I think too. Plus, he hasn't dated a ton. Just a few women. They were together for two years on and off. That's a long time. And, yeah, she's preventing him from letting go of the past.

      That's the thing, he doesn't really draw on me. He's backed away a lot from how he used to be, which is what signaled my red flags in the first place. I haven't heard from him since our conversation. Though he made such a deal about saying we could have something good and still wanting to talk, I don't know. I think it's time for me to forget about him and move on. Maybe he'll contact me, ready to date sometime in the near future. It just sucks when you are ready and the other person isn't. He made me change my mind about being single for once in 3 years, so that should show you how much I liked him. I guess I just need to go on, do me, forget about him, and time will tell if he really ever cared.

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What Guys Said 2

  • Sure... Probably maybe.

  • I got screwed over once, I think I'll always be a bit guarded and have a hard time trusting girls again. The answer to your question is yes, even with a girl who you think is the right woman, because you got fucked over by a girl you THOUGHT was the right woman.


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