I want to get people's perspective on my mentality towards relationships and if it's normal and if anyone else feels the same way?

I'm 24 years old. I'm single. I've had relationships in the past and I've dated around a lot. I've been in love once, it was betweent the ages of 20-22, it didn't work out; I definitely feel that it left its scars and taught me a lot of lessons but I can say that I'm completely over it and it's not holding me back and I have no hate or vengence towards the person either, I talk to him here and there and we are on good terms but we're not close and I'm okay with that. But for the past almost 2 years my mentality has completely changed, I don't know if it's a phase or if it might be a result of you know going through a pretty tough breakup, even though I am over it maybe the damage was too deep, I don't know exaclty why I'm like this but I'll try and explain it and hopefully someone can tell me I'm not completey crazy.

The way I see relationships/marriage/committment is pointless. I always think why would a guy even want a girlfriend, in my head no man is loyal, no man is romantic and no man really wants to commit. I also think to myself, why would I want to be with ONE guy when I can just be single and text/talk/hang out with a lot of guys and not belong to someone? But then I'm not the type of sleep around at all, I'm not the type to hook up, it goes against my morals and my culture so that kind of sucks for me... because when I'm single I'm pretty much not having "fun" lol but that's not really my main issue. I'm worried about the way that I think about relationships and how I'm a little playful about it, all I enjoy is getting texts from guys and not being serious but I'm 24 and everyone around me is getting engaged or married or in serious relationships and I sometimes panic that this mentality will lead me to being single for a pretty long time and then I'll be 35 one day and still alone.

But the thought of having a boyfriend makes me sick to my stomach, the thought of having to put up with someone gives me stress and anxiety. I don't know whats


Most Helpful Guy

  • Sounds like he hurt you more than you let on. I actually felt the same way about women, just like all men in my position, when I found out my ex of four years who I was going to marry was cheating on me. All women lie, all women manipulate men, no woman actually feels love, etc. Everyone goes through a phase like this when hurt, sometimes it comes back when we are feeling especially stressed out or lonely.

    You mentioned a lot about culture, but lets not forget what the effect of the current culture. The glorification of "hookup culture" friends with benefits etc. Simply put the amount of "fun" you have is way overrated. It is popularized by emotionally stunted individuals, and the bar/nightclub industry to get people to come into their establishments and spend more money.

    The truth is there are many men who want a loving relationship with one woman, like myself, that are loyal and want to commit. Plenty of men are not the type to sleep around, because honestly, it isn't fun. People say its for "sex" but the truth is you don't have sex as often as when you are in a relationship, and the sex isn't as good. So if they really just want sex why would they trade less frequency and quality?

    As for your panic that this mentality will lead you to being 35 and alone, I'm not going to lie it is definitely possible. What you are experiencing is NATURAL, but you need to work through it with close family and friends, and be able to move on.

    Not only will your outlook on life and relationships change you will be able to find a healthy relationship. When you get down try and talk to some of your happily married friends, that usually helps renew your faith in relationships.

    I know this is long, but I have a lot I felt needed to be said. Also, I mentioned I think that your ex hurt you more than you let on. Perhaps if you talk about it you will feel better. What exactly happened between you two?

    • I really appreciated ur response actually. So I posted this almost a month ago & the reason is cause I did meet someone & I was starting to crush on him but all of these crazy thoughts were clouding my mind & not letting me enjoy that sweet feeling of wanting someone & liking them & being attracted to them specially cause this doesn't happen to me that often, its very rare for me to feel this type of attraction towards someone so when I met this guy I knew... I basically knew I was fucked! haha I knew he would take over my whole world and here I am 24 days later & he absolutely has taken over my mind, my heart and my soul lol. I met him about 6 weeks ago through my cousin & we started out as friends but from the very beginning I was extremely attracted to him mainly cause he's my type, he's honestly just a straight up player but I don't know I like it, I want him, I unfortunately have that "I will be the exception" mentality towards but I know its unrealistic, I don't know what to do, i dont trust him

Most Helpful Girl

  • Hmmm this sounds really familiar. have u been reading my journal or something?😏

    I've had days where I told myself that Im totally giving up on guys & conclude that Im gonna be single because it's less stressful. Also, I told myself its hard to trust guys again after trusting them & being let down in the past. But my thoughts are slowly changing...

    I think the scars that u got from those broken relationship has left u broken. It's not that u dont want a boyfriend. You want to meet a decent guy. You want to enjoy dating him & you want to have happy, lasting relationship. But you're scared. I think you need to take baby steps. Even if it starts with taking a break from dating for as long as u want. When u do decide to date again, be realistic. Tell yourself that this may or may not work. Dont invest too much too soon.
    This is too long so Im gonna wrap it up lol. Dont give up on love. Speak it into existence that you will meet the right guy @ the right time & the love will stand the test
    of time. You deserve it so much. You shouldn't have to eliminate love, marriage, kids from your future because it didn't work out with those guys. It didn't work out with them bevause they were not the one. God have someone much better in store for you.

    • I appreciate your response, i always find it more helpful when complete strangers give me advice because when i ask family and friends they either hesitate to tell me the truth and be honest or they just don't know what to say... but anyways, read my response to (genuinlysensitive) below, and tell me what you think. i would love any kind of input that i can get.

    • You said he's a player and that u dont trust him. Those are bad combinations especially for someone who has a lot of emotional scars. You also said you want to be the exception. We've all felt that way towards players. But the truth is it's up to the player to decide that, but do u really want to take that huge risk & possibly get ur heart broken again? Why not wait until u meet a decent guy who gives u a good vibe? If the current guy gives u a bad vibe, I seriously wouldn't invest my time in him. You know the signs already. Why waste ur time?

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What Guys Said 2

  • My dearest. The most liberating thing I have found of late is that monogamy doesn't exist. I accept this and am basically poly now. I have several girl friends who I mess around with and we all of fun with no issues.

    • But I do want a kid eventually and I have considered doing IVF from a semen bank because I really don't see myself being a wife to someone

    • I believe you can have a kid through that or just by some fit dude who will give you a strong baby. But I don't for one second believe anyone owns my heart, and I don't believe I control you. You can find people like this and live that life. You actually find MORE security in this set-up than being a wife worried about your husband.

  • It might be a phase. Your brain is trying to cope with heartache/ slight depression by making you feel indifferent about these things. But don't buy into what that other guy said, there are many upon many men who want that one woman in their lives.


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