Dating: I'm too cautious/guarded (Fear of vulnerability/rejection)?

I care a lot about the guy I'm dating these past couple months, and have been holding back because I'm afraid of making the mistake I made in my last relationship and giving too much of myself. It was my first relationship, but I was a huge pushover and put more effort into the relationship than he did. Needless to say he was an asshole and it turned toxic fast.

So now with this guy I'm afraid of screwing up... We're both the same way. He said he broke it off with the last girl he dated because she was "too demanding", and it made me a tad paranoid. However, he's shy, but gives me verbal affirmation and trusted me enough to tell me how he feels about me numerous times, but I have more trouble with that- just putting myself out there and being vulnerable. I care about him deeply and am getting a bit better, but I sort of just shut down and mostly wait for him to initiate things when it comes to things like physical touch or texting. I show affection by bringing him into my world, paying for dates, opening up about myself and cuddling the hell out of him when we're together. Like, he looked so giddy when I gave him his birthday gift the other day and immediately pre-ordered mine a few months ahead of time to be delivered to my house when he's away at school.

How do I get over these insecurities? I'm so lucky he's patient with me, but we're both still so awkward with one another. I feel like I'm not giving him enough feedback, but I don't want to overwhelm him?


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  • You both sound so cute. How you feel is nothing abnormal. You both want to be together, so there's nothing to fear. He cares about you and you care about him. The trust thing took me a long time to overcome. I had a series of "tests" for my current boyfriend initially. Like, if he ever swore at me, lied to me, seemed to be texting other girls sneakily, if I saw any problems with his schoolwork ethic (like ambition) and ability to provide, if I got upset with him if he yelled at me, if he could self-reflect and apologize - all these things. So now I'm relaxed because he passed. But it's ok to be guarded, I believe it will lower slowly. You can also talk to your boyfriend about it :) I'm sure he will sympathize.

    • My ex treated my like shit, but a few months after we broke up he started texting me about his regrets with how he treated me and how he feels like he screwed up big time. You know.. the whole sob story... how he'll always love me and how it was so hard for him and whatever. Oh, well.

      The guy I'm seeing now told me he trusted me (he's going away for school). We're going to keep seeing each other when he gets back.

      Honestly, I'm much better over text. It's hard for me to get out of my head and we both second-guess ourselves... but I'm super cuddly with him. I think I intimidate him sometimes though.. I have trouble making eye contact, but when I do I'm apparently really intense about it. My ex even commented on it when we were dating

  • You should just wait until someone proves to you that they are worth it.


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