How does a moderately unattractive nerd go about finding a nerd girl?

So I'm overweight, not terribly but definitely bad, and I am also a nerd with social anxiety. I go to nerd clubs at my college and there aren't many girls there, at least who are single. I use OkCupid, but get next to no responses no matter the message I send. I don't care about appearance, barring extremes, but even chubby girls didn't respond. When girls actually talk to me they seem to enjoy themselves because I'm really quirky, easygoing, and understanding. All that is kind of off topic I guess, but I'm kind of venting while also looking for advice. I've read advice elsewhere that said to go to comic bookstores and stuff like that, but I can't fathom approaching a random girl like that, partially because of social anxiety, but also because it just feels creepy. So yeah, single socially anxious male nerd needs advice on how to find and apporach nerd girls in a non-creepy way.


Most Helpful Girl

  • No matter how much society tries to coddle us about how it's what's on the inside that counts, the outside matters a whole lot as well.

    It really sucks and I'm sorry that you're balding at such a young age. The best thing to do is shave the existing hair. Shave the facial hair as well as it doesn't make for a flattering look with a bald head, especially when you're carrying excess weight.

    From your photo I'd say losing around 20kg would be good. This is just a rough estimate based on the fact that the fat around your neck makes it seem like you don't actually have one and your head just kind of fades into your shirt collar.
    Getting in shape will make you healthier, make you look better and in turn will increase your confidence.

    As for nerd girls, not sure whether you're referring to academically inclined types or if you just want someone who enjoys video games and Doctor Who as much as you do. If it's the latter, then there's loads of those on message boards, fandom related websites, all kinds of conventions, video game stores, etc.

    If you DON'T want to change your appearance and are content with how you look, you're gonna have to up your confidence and go to more social events. You have to learn to get yourself out of your comfort zone, otherwise nothing will ever happen. As an introvert I completely understand how tough it can be to go out and socialize, but if you never try - you can't complain about not getting what you want.

    Good luck, dude.

    • Hm, I'm not simply an introvert. I have crippling social anxiety. I don't function in large crowds if I don't have an anchor (Psychologically, this is usually a friend). I don't know what you mean by social events. I'm in the middle of nowhere so there aren't really nerd events around that aren't 2 hours away. I don't drink or enjoy campus parties. I go to the anime and gaming clubs on campus already. Saying I'm not trying is also something I heavily disagree with since coming to this website was pretty much a last ditch effort. I'll give an example, I talked to a girl who is in a few of my classes after our midterm yesterday. We started talking about the test and then just wandered into other topics. We talked for about 30 minutes before I found out she was a nerd. Since I have nothing to lose, I asked her out right there and she told me she was seeing someone (possibly not true). We talked for 30 more minutes after that and I made a friend. So yeah. I'm definitely trying.

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    • You don't necessarily need to hang out, but if you see her, chat some more. If she's very friendly with you, you could even try opening up to her about your lack of friends situation. Most nice people would want to help out and she's likely to think of someone she knows you could buddy up with.

      One person is all it takes to rope in more people.

    • Fair enough. Thanks for the input. I will try that.

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 2

  • I have a hard time being critical of people, but in the interest of this being possibly helpful advice- I agree with other commenters. I can't tell exactly how much weight is an issue for you, but working on your fitness can help some. Girls do not need six pack abs by any means, but getting in shape just enough to look/feel healthy and happy will help you. I personally don't care much about body types so long as a person isn't severely obese, and in the same vein, there will be some some girls who will be happy with your body type as is, and you shouldn't let it hold you back from trying entirely. I also think that shaving your hair would be a good idea. I might be biased because I like facial hair, but yours is fine. However, if you could grow/maintain a full beard, it may really flatter your face even more in my opinion. I can tell even from your picture that you are a bit shy or socially anxious; As far as dating sites go, the women you message may not respond because they see this as lacking confidence or pride in yourself, which is a turn off to a lot of girls. Try to take pictures looking at the camera with a friendly smile, and I'm sure women will start to feel more comfortable connecting with you online. As far as meeting girls in person, you have the right idea with these clubs at school. You should keep going to them, and who knows what kind of girls may join. If you make friends in these groups, they may have nerdy female friends whom do not belong to the group, that you may cross paths with through a mutual friendship... Just keep your eyes open for someone who seems compatible, and have the confidence to talk to this "random" girl. I have a lot of "nerdy" interests myself, and deal with social anxiety as well. It's much easier to be a girl with these obstacles, as guys will approach anyway... Not to mention most people can't "tell" that I'm a nerd until I open up. That being said, I have been approached by random guys while in places like a bookstore, and I didn't find it creepy. For example, in the bookstore I had been lingering in one section, trying to decide between different graphic novels that I wanted to check out. He simply mentioned that he noticed I was stuck, and would like to offer a suggestion if I would welcome it. That broke the ice and got a conversation started between us in a way that felt friendly, helpful and not creepy. I actually appreciated the help! Try to take a similar sort of approach and see if you have any luck

    • I guess so. My main picture on dating sites is me smiling and looking at the camera so I don't think that's the issue. I took the photo on here yesterday because this website made all the ones I had sideways. Either way, I know they didn't message me because of what I look like. I've already done tons of research into profiles and messaging, and I sent thoughtful well written messages about specific details on their profile. Shrug. I'm sure the guy who approached you didn't look like me. In high school and my first two years of college, almost every girl I talked to in a class or who lived nearby decided I was creepy. Even one's I just asked about assignments. That hasn't happened in years, but let's just say I'm quite damaged by those experiences. Also, the only close bookstore is an hour away, comic bookstore is in town but tiny so I can't just hang out there waiting for someone, and video game store is the comic bookstore. Regardless, thanks for the input.

  • 1. If this is not a troll, you need to lose weight... that's the only thing stopping you.

    • I don't know what made you think this was a troll, but thanks anyway.

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    • Yeah, I'll try that. Thanks for the input!

    • Yes, he needs to lose weight but haven't you noticed that it's much easier for overweight girls to land a date than overweight guys? It's amusing when overweight girls are insecure, girls don't tell them it's because they are overweight but instead tell them that they are beautiful and blah blah blah. And that it's the guys loss. So why don't both overweight guys and overweight girls have an equal chance in dating? I mean my answer is that girls are much more shallow but hey, I'll be called a hater and misogynist just for stating the truth. And that's only because they don't wanna be exposed so they play the sexist card.

What Guys Said 2

  • Well, if that picture's you, a shave is probably the most immediate and superficial thing you can do, it is painful to lose the hair, but it makes a difference. And Gem45 isn't wrong. Trust me, I've been there. You won't look like you expect maybe, I know I didn't after dropping my 80 odd pounds, but one really will start to look a lot better. Drinking green tea with a meal helps a lot, finding a short workout, even 11 minutes can do you some good if you're doing the right stuff. It's not that you shouldn't be judged for who you are on the inside, but part of that *is* the way you take care of yourself physically, people see that, and it reflects on your motivation and how much you care about yourself.

    As to meeting 'nerdy' girls, morals and personality compatibility mean a lot too, but common interests are more important than they get credit for. Try hanging out with some 'artsy' types, they can be just as geeky as us dice rolling, Justice Society reading folks, even if the specifics are a little different, and you might find yourself having some cool conversations and sharing some new interests with one another.

    • Good job on the weight loss (I lost 81 pounds too 😄) and very good answer!

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    • Thank you 🍹

    • I've definitely thought about shaving my head since I know I'm balding, genes suck sometimes. Is the beard bad too?

  • Shave your head, lose weight, dress better. You will get better results. That's what I did.

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