Anyone feel down about this and what to do?

Hey everybody, my experience with women is very minimal at best. I have a a couple dates but nothing really ever more than that. Now, the last couple of months, negative self talk has been a problem. Feelings like, I am never going to meet anyone, won't be able to meet the type of girl I want, etc. And with that negative self talk, when I see an attractive girl that I like, I dont bother doing anything. Basically, I am saying to myself "why bother, I am just going to get rejected anyway" so I dont go for it. I want to get to a peaceful place again where I didn't have all that negative self talk. Has anyone had the same problem and how did you learn to snap out of that mindset?


Most Helpful Girl

  • Oh man! Finally, I can meet and talk to someone who is going through the same thing as me. It's even more reassuring that you're a guy because I feel like other girls in my age group are having the time of their lives. I totally understand where you're coming from and to be honest, it's been a depressor in my daily life even though I'm just 21. That's pretty young and I forget but I forget and feel older since my life experiences have caused me to mature much more faster. But any whom, I'm Catholic so I'm always praying and praying for that true and everlasting love. I think I've tired my mother other from asking so much if I'm ever really going to meet the right man and she always says yes but wow, it takes a lot to have hope again, huh?

    Seems like you and I have done what's possible in the "dating game" but the results are so minimal like you say.

    Wow, I could go on for so long but just know that you are NOT alone. <3


Most Helpful Guy

  • Hey man, you've already made the first BIG step in dealing with your problem... you've realized what the problem is and know what you're dealing with!
    The thoughts that go through your mind, the story that you tell yourself, has everything to do with what you experience outside of your mind.

    Right now the story that's playing over and over again in your head is:
    "I'm never going to meet anyone"
    "I won't be able to meet the type of girl I want"
    "It's not worth even trying, I'll just get rejected"
    etc., etc., etc.,

    One way to work yourself out of that mindset (dunno if 'snap' is quite the word to use, it'll probably take some time... but the sooner you start, the sooner change will happen) is to take those negative statements and re-write them how you want them to be.
    Write them out on paper, you could write them down every day once or twice, for a few weeks, and that will help embed them in your mind (the connection between writing with a pen and paper and your brain is scientifically proven).
    You can also take those statements and read them aloud every day (bonus points for looking in the mirror as you read them... good to do first thing in the morning and then right before you go to sleep)

    You want to write them:
    -In the present tense
    -As if it's already happened/happening
    -In the positive, not negative

    So taking those four examples before, you might spin them like this:

    "I meet beautiful, attractive women every day"
    "The type of girl I want to meet is out there and I will meet her"
    "When a woman rejects me, I move on quickly and know that someone even better is out there waiting for me to find her"

    and add in some others, maybe
    "I'm attractive to women and make great boyfriend material"
    "I have confidence around women"

    When you catch yourself starting with the negative self talk, stop and rephrase whatever it was that you're thinking in the way you want it to be.

    Sounds hokey but it works.

    You've realized that your negative self-talk is the root of your situation.
    Get used to positive self-talk and train your brain to operate that way by default.

    It'll take some time and nobody's perfect, it may not go away forever, but as soon as you catch yourself give yourself a pat on the back for being aware of it and get back on track right then and there.
    Most people live life not even realize that the way they're thinking is the cause of their experience, so you're ahead of the game as far as that :-)

    You got this, man :-)

    • Oh wow, I'm definitely going to save this for myself so don't mind me!

    • Thanks, I will do that. Thats the thing, it may be a lot work, but in order to better yourself and present situation, it needs work. And I also forgot to mention, with those negative thoughts came fear, not just the dating portion of my life, but everyday things like school, fitness goals, etc

    • The same concept applies to any area of your life, really... Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of the unknown... It's normal, but working at framing your thought patterns in a more productive direction certainly helps when you're working through the fear :-)

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  • Maybe your problem is you've been trying with girls out of your league?


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