How do I tell a guy to slow down without making him feel like I'm not interested?

So. 3 months ago my 3 year relationship with my boyfriend ended. It was a bad breakup and my ex got with his "baby mama" less than a week after we were done. So that following weekend I got with my girls and we made a profile for me on a dating site. And... I ended up hooking up with a guy. It was supposed to be just something fun to distract my broken heart, but the weird thing is that this guy and I had a lot of chemistry/connection. We started hanging out a lot and it was nice to have a guy actually WANT to be with me, but at the same time... I'm honestly not ready to be in another relationship. I wasn't expecting to actually really like some one night stand guy... ya know? lol... I wasn't expecting a guy to actually want to be committed so fast either. Which kind of put out a red flag for me, since I've never really experienced that from a guy before. Usually I'm the one that falls fast and has to keep my emotions in check, but this guy is very pushy... almost controlling/needy. He's not a bad guy or anything. Not abusive in anyway, but he just wants things a certain way and makes me feel bad if I want to stay home for a couple nights instead of staying with him all week. I told him that I REALLY like him... a lot... but I need time to heal. I need space a few nights during the week. He takes that as me being not interested in him. He calls me "flaky." I can understand how frustrating it might be for someone to be "rejected" but I'm not really regecting him. I just need time. I need a relationship to grow gradually. I don't know what to do. Last week things between us got a little uncomfortable and I did tell him that I couldn't see him anymore because of how pushy he was. But during that week I did miss him and we started hanging out again. He still kept asking me to stay every night... to come over right after work and just be with him. I want to be with him, but I can't do it every damn day. Am I being flaky? Am I just a crazy chick or is this guy being weird about trying to rush into things so extremely fast? He doesn't even seem to understand that I need to heal from the break up on my own before I can be strong for another relationship. He just continues to make me feel like I'm the bad guy since I need "space." Does this make sense? I need help.
Or should I just stop seeing him all together? I want to be with him and I want him to not date anyone else, but I also don't want to be with him every day/night... and be on his schedule. Normally, I would just try to stay away, but I really do like him and we do have a special connection. I don't want to lose him. But I also can't be pressured into a fulltime relationship


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What Guys Said 1

  • Don't try to be nice, try to be clear without being rude. That's the best for both of you, anything less may be misconstrued by him leading to future problems. If he can't deal with you being open about this then he is too needy or controlling and it's better to know that now and not later.

    • Thanks. I've been nothing but open and honest with my feelings. It might be annoying to deal with, but that's just how it is right now. He doesn't seem to understand and as much as I like him, it's really frustrating for me too. He's a good guy (besides being a bit controlling) and it's really nice being wanted, but it's not healthy for me to be rushed into another relationship when I'm not fully ready. I'm just stuck because I do have strong feelings for him. I'm a mess. Dating sucks sometimes. lol

    • Sitting here, it kind of sounds to me like you and he are at odds, while you like him, you are already uncomfortable with his controlling/ neediness, that's kind of a bad sign this early on. This sounds a lot like a rebound thing for you so I think you are right to slow it down. Yep, dating sucks.

What Girls Said 1

  • This dilemma really is kind of "your fault", ya know. ;) If you needed time to get over the old relationship, you shouldn't have opened an online dating account. But such as it is, dating sites are notorious for "hookups". It's possible that this guy just really ONLY wants sex. It also sounds like he must really like you, though, so it's tough. Absence DOES make the heart grow fonder, so I would stick to your guns. The truth is, you're a girl, and girls need time to do girl things! :) So, I would agree to 2-3 nights per week, and more if you are so inclined, but you need time to do your girl stuff, too.

    This reminds me a little of my own situation. My boyfriend was a little needy in the beginning. He wanted to be with me ALL the time, and talk on the phone every free moment I had. I was used to having an independent life. Had it not been for the fact that we lived 7 hours away from eachother, it would have been too overwhelming for me, and almost was. But he turned out to be a real keeper, so I'm glad now how things worked out. :-) Over time, the phone calls got shorter and the neediness subsided, and I moved to his city. That was 11 years ago, and honestly, the best thing I ever did. I still can't believe I landed such an awesome guy.

    If you feel chemistry too, I think I wouldn't break it off right away, but do encourage setting the date nights so you both have some time to do your own things and miss eachother.

    • Thanks. I went on that dating site for one thing and it wasn't to fall in love lol. I know it's bad to say and I normally don't just want to hook up with guys but I was feeling broken and made a bad decision. It just turns out that the guy I chose was actually looking for a relationship (and sex for sure). I like him and think we will be great friends but he's being way too needy for what I'm ready for. I guess I am kinda messing up because I do keep going back to him while not really being ready for what he wants. Like I said before I want to be his girl but I don't want to "live" with him already. My last relationship went fast and it didn't end well so im just scared to get broken again. I hope this makes sense. Thanks again.

    • Then he has to understand that you need to go slow for this to work, though he keeps going fast, anyway. If you keep going back, you must really like him! You might speed things up later, but he's nice, he's available, and he really likes you, so I would say to give it a chance, and I normally wouldn't say that. People tend to like more of a challenge, though.

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