Why am I undateable, and how to change it?

Today, I was just rejected by my crush and former best friend. Our friendship fell apart because I was always failing to make him as happy as his funny pals or be as pretty as the girls he crushed on. When I ran out of things to give and still wasn't good enough, I just gave up. 7 years as friends and he wouldn't even look at me, just checked out girls of beauty I wish I could have and talked to people around me but walked off when I tried to talk, saying to just put it in a text message. I've never felt so worthless, and it made me fed up.

For most of my life, Social anxiety resulted in isolation and either no friends or one sided friendships with me caring too much. Boys think I'm pretty but not worth a relationship. I spend weeks building courage only to be rejected again. If I prove my potential to a boy i end up making a mistake and losing him. I have very low self esteem, and it gets harder to hide the worse I feel. I'm giving it one more chance before I give up.

As far as my appearance, I'm black, hourglass body but with pudges (I'm not overweight, but no matter how hard I try I can't get the kind of skinny my crush likes) medium length wavy hair, big eyes, not enough makeup to hide the bad things, big lips; I smile all the time, but I still can come off as nervous or insecure. Boys do notice me, but if they like what they see, they never like my personality, or at least not enough. I am 3 A's- awkward, anxious, and artistic, and three I's-intuitive, illogical, and introverted. I'm a slow processer so I struggle to complete my thoughts and I usually can't think of something the other person would've found funny until later. And of course there's the self esteem thing, but I'm usually good at hiding it. Do you have advice, or see any fixable red flags?


Most Helpful Guy

  • This is difficult for me since I see this complaint so, so, so often with young guys but not so much with young girls.

    For young guys, I always give the advice to stop fixating on girls from a distance. Ask them out on dates early before developing feelings for them beyond, "Oh, she seems nice, looks nice". Develop feelings for them on dates so that the bond grows mutually, not one-sided. It also makes it so rejections aren't a big deal at all.

    Yet it's not considered so socially acceptable yet for girls to be approaching guys and asking them out. Maybe we should start reversing that trend.

    To me the biggest problem is your social anxiety. That makes you live in a very narrow world with a small sample of people, and you end up crushing on one person for a very long time. Working to overcome it and make friends and follow up on invitations will expand the world you live in, expose you to many more guys, and some who might really be into you.

    Trying to judge your own self-worth based on a crush tends to get you to develop all kinds of insecurities which actually do diminish your sex appeal even further.

    You have to realize that just as you fixated on this one guy for his qualities, he's going to fixate on a particular set of girls for their qualities. The odds of two people crushing on each other from a distance are close to zilch. The odds of people going on a date sooner after just having a nice conversation (a mere acquaintance) and developing a bond together through the process is much higher.

    Love doesn't reward people who simply care the most for someone else. Every girl who has dealt with a "nice guy" knows that. This kind of mindset like, "He deserves to be with someone nice [ME!]" has to go. You have to realize this is still ultimately a game of attraction, and some people just aren't compatible.


Most Helpful Girl

  • These dudes are caught up in their hormones. You should NEVER have to prove yourself worthy to a guy. If they say you do (or make you feel like you do) they are not someone you want to date anyway. That kind of relationship will only make both parties suffer.
    I would suggest taking that energy you would spend on him and put it toward yourself. What makes you happy? What do you find fun (or funny)? How can you take better care of yourself? If you saw someone in a similar position what would you say to her? Can you say those things to yourself (it's not easy at all, but try). You deserve to be with someone who respects you -at your best and worse.

    If you are still really struggling with your self confidence or anxiety I suggest seeing your school counselor. Every human deserves to be heathy and happy, and that includes you.


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What Guys Said 2

  • Dont stress and let it happen naturally. Just be friends with guys and chat x

  • You can't please everyone.

    I'm 6'3, white, and cannot get muscles to save my damn life. I can be skinny fat, or if I work at it, lean. So I try to mainly be lean. I dance like shit. I read a lot. I'm smart, funny, reasonably successful.

    I have a friend who is black, 5'4", easily builds muscle. Had an interesting and challenging life. He's very resourceful. Strong personality, good guy. Thoughtful. Confident but introvert.

    Guess what, the same women will not like us, and that's just how it is. Plenty of women like each of us, but not the same women!

    Be a great version of you. Don't hide your personality. Be aware of people who are attracted to you. See if you are attracted back. Don't hide what you're looking for if it's a relationship. Find the guys who want what you offer. Don't keep trying with guys who don't want you that way. Save the big effort for making someone who already wanted you and treats you well, and it will put them over the moon.


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