How to love my fiance: confess nagging feelings or keep them to myself and hope they go away with time?

I am torn between logical thoughts and nagging feelings.

I've been dating my 1st/only boyfriend 6 years, and I am his 1st/only as well. We have never broken up, nor come close to it. We have polite disagreements, but never fight or even act passive aggressively. He's never made any indication that he is even tempted by other women -- rather, he is very good about calling me when he is away, texting me when he is out, pulling me close in public, and introducing me very lovingly to all his friends and colleagues. He's introduced me to his attractive female friends so that I could become friends with them and I adore every one of them - some I now consider them more MY friends than his. His guy friends all treat me like a sister.

He has a great career, as do I. We are in similar fields, similar interests, enjoy adventurous hobbies. He works hard, is smart, but laid back. He calms me down when I'm stressed. Our families like each other. AND we became engaged recently.

Everyone hails us as the perfect couple, though young (early 20s). BUT here is my secret trouble:

As much as I love my future husband, I have secret doubts I've never told anyone. There is another man (X) whom I've had feelings for for nearly 10 years which started before I met my fiance. We never dated, but came close several times. We were both young, inexperienced, and shied away from each other several times when it never seemed like good timing. We had/have instant chemistry, but are both self-controlled. Personally, I felt too immature to date when X first expressed his feelings for me. I started dating my fiance as a way to "practice" and had it in my mind that I'd eventually end up with X... but never found a reason to break up. X had several gfs, the current one has lasted longest (3 years), but we've stayed friends at arm's length. I have feelings but logically know he would be an equal/less good husband.

I thought the feelings would go away, but they never have. How do I deal with these feelings?


Most Helpful Guy

  • Confession is good for the soul


Most Helpful Girl

  • First, you have no business being engaged having feelings for another man. If those feelings haven't dissipated in 10 years, they aren't about to any time soon. And it's unfair, immature, and ignorant to enter into a marriage knowing you have feelings for another man.

    You should tell him so he can decide how to proceed through the relationship. This isn't a decision only you should make. But if I found out my fiancé loved someone else, I'd leave in a heartbeat. I'm the only one you should love, not Sally up the street.

    • Thank you!! :) I agree with you completely. I do not think it's appropriate to proceed into marriage without resolving these feelings first. I'm just not sure the best way to do it yet... We are planning to go to premarital counselling, so maybe I could bring these concerns up in that setting. (As stated in another reply), I'm not sure how much of these doubts are truly related to the X guy, versus if I'm just trying to consolidate general fears/nervousness about marriage into some more tangible single question/issue. I would rather cut X out of my life completely than hurt my fiance. I just wonder if I could explain these things, so that maybe he could help me with them. What if 10 years down the line, I get tempted again when things are harder? I'd feel much safer if I wasn't relying on ONLY my will power if that makes sense.. I don't want to hurt him, but I do want to be able to talk to him about these things. Thanks for your help!

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What Guys Said 0

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What Girls Said 3

  • You're young, and yes you've been with your current boyfriend for a while now however you can't marry someone potentially have all these unresolved feelings for someone else. BUT you also can try to move on and I wouldn't really express these feelings yet unless you're 100% sure, and i wouldn't really reach out to "X".. it could be lust and that unknown because you never dated or tried anything. So I hope for your sake it will pass because you are with a great person at the moment and you can see a future with him, but right now you're semi-lusting.

    • Thanks very much!! I think you are exactly right. Now that I'm analyzing this, it seems to me that particularly because the engagement is fresh: I am nervous about the prospect of such a big decision in general, not really that I'm with the wrong person. Thinking about this X guy may just be my way of putting all those little fears into a single focal point. I agree it would not be at ALL appropriate to reach out to X about this! I do not want to open that door. I think it would be healthy to reduce contact with him even further actually, just in case. I just wondered if it would be selfish of me to express these sorts of emotional tremors to my fiance with the hope that maybe he could help me with them, either by telling me to permanently sever contact OR becoming friends with him himself, so we could hang out as a group. I just feel sort of silly making a big deal drawing attention to a friendship that it is otherwise insignificant. I just don't want to burden him unnecessarily.

  • Don't tell your fiance, it'll ruin your relationship and hurt him unnecessarily. Just cut X out of your life and don't contact him. Also realize that you probably have a very idealized version of him in your head, you never really dated him so he could be so wrong for you.

  • I am with my husband for almost seven years but had a crush on another guy six years and I am slowly getting over my feelings for the other guy now.