I always sabotage relationships before they begin & I am just about to meet a new guy, and I'm terrified I'll sabotage it again... What do I do?

im 22. I've never held down a relationship or really been in one because I'm very flighty. My first boyfriend ever compared me to a rabbit: I look so perfect from afar, but when someone comes close I run away. And he's right. I fear letting my guard down; I fear starting something with someone bc I fear the end; I fear trusting someone when I don't trust anyone; I fear the whole thing. I was raised to not trust men, and to not look up to them to complete me. That said, I challenge men a lot and set up traps that they fail in early on when i see them. Like the previous guy I tried to start something with... Things were going VERY well 2 weeks in... And I set him up with a fake girl, he failed, long story... He thinks I'm batshit crazy bc I freaked on him.
I live severely in my head. The men I make the guys out to be in my head are different than who they are. I'm also very possessive over the men I see, and I notice everything going on. I'm sensitive to shifts in behaviors or any little thing, and I blow it out of proportion and make them out to be the "bad guy." It's easier to make them appear bad for me and to end whatever we have vs actually starting something and setting myself up to be lied to or mistreated... Or maybe I just fear actually being happy with someone too. I don't know.. But it's been a pattern with every guy I see. I don't come across as possessive until the end where I lose it and lash out on them, sending them running to the hills.

I have a date with a super nice guy this Thursday. I've had a crush on him for years. We've never met but I finally found the opportunity... And I'm just so frightened that I'll blow this all up again. I don't know how not to. What do I do? How can I not be possessive, set them up, stalk them (yes, I take my brother's car and will literally spend hours stalking them), or look into every little thing they do? Where does this stem from?


Most Helpful Guy

  • "I was raised to not trust men, and to not look up to them to complete me."

    Bitter as fuck mother? I mean this sentence alone explains a lot. Whomever raised you, messed you up psychologically.

    You should seek therapy to unfuck whatever it is that your parents taught or said to you when you were growing up. Everything you've listed sounds like it can't be fixed by a few simple words of advice on the interwebs. You need professional help.

    • My dad did. He told me to not get involved with men until I am 30 because that is when they mature. He said I cannot trust any of them. And that I need to only focus on myself. Get this- this past month I caught up cheating on my mother. Sooo really my trust in men is shattered because he lied to me as well (when I confronted him without proof) and as I have been lied to by other men I've been involved with as well.

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    • You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. You can clearly see what you are doing wrong, you are just unsure of how to fix it. How to tackle all the mental and psychological obstacles that developed that you have to get past. I'm certainly no expert, either.

      I'm sure your father has meant well, but he is definitely at least partially at fault for your issues. I wish you all the best in whatever path you take to fix the issues. With a little help and perseverance, you'll get to have that relationship minus the stress, worries and discomfort.

    • Thank you! That makes me feel better, coming from someone else. I'm a psychology student so understanding what may cause or prevent certain thoughts or actions are easy for me to spot, but it's hard changing. Like you said, it'll take perseverance.

What Guys Said 1

  • ur second paragraph pretty much answered your own question. u know the things that you do wrong.

    • But I can't stop doing them. I literally will be in the act before I realize what I'm doing, and I am so powered by my need or desire to find out if they'll fail or truly are interested in me, that I convince myself it's the only way.

What Girls Said 1

  • Did you experience problems with your father?
    Your behaviour doesn't sound healthy at all. Stalking people for hours can be really destructive for yourself and for other people as well.
    I think it would be best to talk to a professional about it.