What am I doing wrong (online dating)?

Hey, everyone.

Background: 23 years old (almost 24), had one short-term on-and-off relationship that lasted around 5 months or so (from the 1st date to the last time I saw them). Nothing too intimate happened either, so I still have the V-card, unfortunately.

I’ve been online dating for a year, and other than the relationship, I’ve had a few 2nd dates and a bunch of first dates (I’ll guess give or take 2 dozen dates in total). My lack of success leads me to think I’m doing something really wrong, or coming off as really offputting.

Could it be that women are smelling my dating/intimate inexperience from a mile away, and are running because of it? I’ve had a date comment afterward that I came off as a bit nervous/on edge, so this is the top thing that worries me. Is not having a lot of experience by my age a really big dealbreaker?

Could it be that I’m coming off as too needy (I’ll usually text back anywhere from 1-3 times a day on average, and I don’t play the “3-day rule” game after a date either. I’ll usually text back later that day or the next day if it was a later date)?

Could it be that I’m not attractive? I have a bit of balding in the front, some people have said it’s not noticeable and I’m on medication for it so it doesn’t get any worse but maybe it’s really coming off as ugly? I’m 5’ 11’ and about 165-170 lbs, is that overweight for my height? Does the way your face looks matter a lot? Pics available upon request.

Could it be that I’m not playing by the “rules” (i. e., not flirting enough/the right way, not saying/doing the right things at the right times/committing a lot of faux pas)? Flirting/dating doesn’t really seem to come naturally to me as it does to other guys, so this is why I wonder.

Does anyone think any of these things could be it/have any suggestions? Has anyone else experienced this level of frustration with dating?




Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 1

  • You already seem to know the reasons, so what exactly are you asking?

    • Hmm... maybe what I really want to know is, which of these do you think would be most important to focus on? Are there any turn-offs that would be worth my while to avoid (or eliminate if they're already a part of my dating approach)?

What Guys Said 2

  • Everyone starts inexperienced. You need to relax a bit, don't be needy or overeager (texting too much early on is a mistake).

    The most important thing is to be someone interesting and fun to hang around with. Get out there and have hobbies and interests, do cool stuff, have good stories to tell and make them want to spend time with you so they could be part of the next one.

    If you're nervous, maybe take your date to a quiet bar or one of those boardgame cafes so you can have a drink to calm your nerves a bit. Just don't get too drunk!

    • Thanks for the reply. I like the boardgame cafe idea, I actually have an arcade bar near where I live (I've met a date before there too). Maybe I should go there more often...

      I know I need to relax more, just recent dates have kind of made me more nervous than before, particularly because of what happened after the date/dates being cancelled. My worry that being inexperienced at my age is a big dealbreaker also makes me nervous. What should I do about this?

    • Don't stress over it too much, things happen for a reason and when things are meant to happen, they will. If someone is going to actually like you, it won't be a struggle to make them do so.

  • The guy I know who did the most online dating, was probably going from first date to second date like 1/5 times, and second to third maybe 1/3. At that point it was say 50/50 about starting a relationship.

    What did he do different from you? 5-10 first dates a week when he was looking for a girlfriend.

    Your ratios aren't so different. lets say 10 first dates, 3 second dates, 1 relationship? That's normal.

    You just need to set up way way more first dates. keep them casual - coffee or an after dinner drink. set up more than one so you're relaxed and asking yourself if you like her as well as her liking you, but not feeling like 'I hope I can impress her'.

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