Avoiding relationships for fear of hurting others?

As I've mentioned in previous posts, I'm 26 and I've never been in a relationship. At the end of the day, I'm not terribly bothered by this (especially since this was a conscious decision). On the outside, I come across as being very kind, sweet and thoughtful. I also try to be rather charming, funny and playful. What I keep hidden, however, is a whole host of issues and problems. For starters, I'm very prone to anxiety and neurotic thoughts, as well as being (in all likelihood) a highly sensitive person (HSP). Even fairly trivial things cause my psychological well-being to implode rather quickly. Tbh, I'm not sure that there's much that can be done about this (well, the anxiety is actually rather treatable and has gotten much better over the years). Who knows why I'm like this, it's probably genetic if I could guess. Anyways, my rambling aside, every now and then, I come across a girl who seems very cool and whatnot. Of course, the obvious next step is to get to know her better. However, I always instead find a way to (as politely as possible) blow her off. I figure that I'm doing her a favor by protecting her (from dealing with me and my problems). I've never been terribly concerned with my happiness or well-being. But at the end of the day, I try to be a good guy and not drag everyone else down if that makes any sense. By the way, I'm not saying this to have a "woe is me attitude", I'm dead serious about wanting to protect others (from me). Also, don't get me wrong, I don't walk around being negative all the time (I hide it instead). So yeah, what do you think? Is it so wrong to want girls to date someone else (someone who could actually make them happy)?


Most Helpful Girl

  • that is an incredibly selfless approach, and while i do admire u for it, i believe the best things in life are risky. a woman dating someone else instead of u is a good deed when u KNOW in your heart that you are essentially, 'a bad man' for her. if you aren't though, understand that there is plenty of good in you, and avoiding women because u aren't confident in yourself isn't a good sign.

    my advice. dont even think of women at all at this point. loving yourself is more important here. it's the foundation upon which you can build up your love for others. when you love yourself, it becomes easier to love others, being sure that they love you back without doubting them.

    • I appreciate that you recognize my attempt at being selfless. by the way, I assume by "a bad man" you mean a bad match and not necessarily a bad person.

      "If you aren't though, understand that there is plenty of good in you, and avoiding women because u aren't confident in yourself isn't a good sign."
      Yep, I think this right here pretty much sums me up lol. I agree that loving oneself is important. However, doing so has always been rather hard for me. I don't know why I'm always so hard on myself. That being said, I respectfully disagree with your suggestion that I not even think of women at all right now. Granted, yes, I'm nowhere near ready for a relationship. However, I've avoided thinking of women for some time now. I think it would be wise for me to continue thinking about what I want and to seek out opportunities to interact with women. At the very least, this might be of great therapeutic value to me. Anyways, I appreciate the input!

    • no i meant bad man. as in if you become aware that you are a toxic influence.

      not only u man, dont worry. plenty of guys have this issue, even if they dont admit it, and i honestly dont blame y'all. it's hard to put urself out there. it's fine, u know ur life best. good luck.

    • Fair enough. I'm probably overthinking things as usual. I'm likely nowhere near what would be considered toxic. That being said, I suppose there's always room for improvement. I shouldn't get too discouraged and stop fighting the good fight. Thanks.

Most Helpful Guy

  • Nothing wrong with it at all from my point of view. You save them the trouble of becoming unhappy once they realize the real you really is not a happy person with unresolved issues to begin with.

    Just decide what you really want to do with your life and do the best you can to deal with your own personal issues as no one else can exactly "fix" you for who you are or for how you are. Relationships more often than not, and especially when it comes to the very first relationship, does not last for a very long time or forever and usually the first relationship will not result result in a marriage anyway.

    • It's funny how you mention marriage. I don't know why everyone assumes I want that (I don't, marriage is like the last thing I would want). Tbh I don't really even care about all that romantic stuff (never have). At the end of the day, all I care about is having a little bit of experience so I don't end up being like Steve Carell in "The 40 year old virgin" and be this weird inexperienced dude lol. Like I said, I don't want to drag some poor girl through all this stuff. Oh well, maybe at least one day I can have a bunch of meaningless flings (that would be more than fine by me). Thanks for the input.

    • Show All
    • You're absolutely right. It's amazing how many people buy into this idyllic, utopian view of romance. The idea of marrying your "soulmate" and spending the rest of your life with them is a western concept that was invented less than 200 years ago. As good as it may sound on paper, it really doesn't mesh well with human nature. Very, very few people can make this work. In my opinion, too many people have unhappy love lives because they seek something that is unrealistic. As far as I'm concerned, love = lust + emotional attachment. As soon as the lust fades (and it will eventually), the love fades as well. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that love is pointless, I'm just saying that I wish more people were more realistic with their expectations.

    • Thanks for MHO!

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 1

  • What do I think? You're going to have to get over this. Life is better shared. You never know just how short your time on Earth is and you're wasting a lot of it overanalyzing and making things more complicated than they need to be. You're going to look up one day and be the only one without a wife and children. The you'll look up later on and maybe be the only elder without grandchildren to make you feel loved and adored. Instead of meditating on your messed up behavior, you need to start getting serious about FIXING it. If you need to seek counseling so that a professional can give you helpful tips then fine. But don't just continue to be a shitty guy who does shitty things and never gets to experience a really beautiful part of life because you can't stop being shitty.

    • You're right, I will be the only guy without a wife or kids. That's fine with me, I'm not remotely interested in either one of those things. While I admit that I have mental health issues, I'm not really sure that that makes me a "shitty" person though. I appreciate your honesty I suppose.

What Guys Said 1

Loading... ;