How to stop being Angry and Bitter?

I was trying to patch things up with a coworker, It's a very long story...

I liked her, and she didn't feel the same way... We haven't talked in a long time... but we started talking, just making small talk the other day... I just wanted to tell her it's my bad for liking her, and that I'm sorry and maybe we can work on being friends...

After the small talk, I asked her if I could talk to her about something

But she said she was busy and left... Kinda didn't want to talk about it? Could have been anything though...

So then I got sad, angry and bitter...

I really wanted to patch things up, so they wouldn't be awkward anymore and she shut me down... I was ready to do this and it took a lot of bravery...

I have helped her at work, and supported her with problems when we were friends in the past...

But I'm angry, I'm not doing a thing for her... if she needs something I tell her I'm busy... but now we are both cold towards each other again... which really angers me because it's not what I wanted...


Most Helpful Girl

  • I don't really understand why you're angry at her. You say you wanted to patch things up, but it sounds like that's what was already happening.

    You liked her, she didn't feel the same, so things got awkward and you stopped talking. Makes sense.
    Then after some time the awkwardness goes away and you start talking again - that's a sign that things are patching up. You didn't need to say anything else. You should have just left it like that and let the friendship naturally repair itself.

    You saying "Can I talk to you about something" is scary. You're right, it could have been anything. To her, it could have sounded like you were gonna profess your love again, so she hung up.

    • Things were still awkward and it's my fault... I just wanted to apologize to her for my behavior and move on, because I'm struggling to move on and felt like that would have helped me...

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    • Thanks for all the answers everyone!

      Seems like some people think I should just let it go, and others think I should just get it off my chest...

      I got over being bitter/angry at her... So I will be civil towards her... If I get a chance, I will say sorry... otherwise I will just let things be I guess...

    • Another Update --- She seems to be completely ignoring me now... and also seems very angry and upset... I'm not sure why she is like this now?

      What should I do?

Most Helpful Guy

  • Trying to patch things is more of a problem.

    What you need to do is simply behave normally like a casual friendly person. The whole wanting to have meaningful talks? She doesn't want that.

    You want to try being friends, try being friends. You want to act like your exes.

    • It seems like it... I really want to have that meaningful talk with her... It will help resolve things...

      But she just wants to ignore and avoid the issue... and I know this doesn't work

    • There's nothing to resolve. She doesn't have any sort of deep feelings for you and any conversation about that makes things more awkward. You want to talk about all your feels, but she doesn't actually need to hear that shit.

    • That hurts... It really does...

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 14

  • You wanted to tell her it was your bad for liking her and that you're sorry? What if that registered to her ears as you saying "I'm sorry I ever liked you and even bothered to approach you since it was for nothing." Sounds bad, right?

    You have nothing to apologize for--absolutely nothing. It's not like she was the Queen of some country or a really famous and admired celebrity, and you were just some street rat that had the audacity to step up to her.

    I would say she probably cut you off becuase maybe she truly was busy. However, she could have reserved that talk at a time where she could hear you out, and she didn't. Or maybe since it was a working environment, she felt this kind of talk wasn't appropriate. So, maybe she was trying to avoid that talk probably becuase she didn't want to be uncomfortable, fearing it was about your feelings, her feelings, about the possibility of trying one more time to get her to date you, etc. Who knows what was in her mind?

    I can understand you feeling a bit bitter that you were trying to reach out to somebody with honesty and they slammed you down by being extremely passive. It's effort gone to waste in trying to establish peace as best as possible. I wouldn't completely shut her off, becuase if you do, you're showing her that you're a person that easily holds grudges or that if you don't get your way, you pout, carry an attitude and make the working environment uncomfortable. Show her you're much bigger than that, that just becuase she turned you down, does not mean you're going to let her influence how you act. Let her see that you're able to dust yourself right off and put her aside like any other obstacle you're able to overcome.

    In the meantime, if she asks for you to do this for her, just be like "Sure, here you go." Then walk away, but don't fully engage with her. Be cheerful with other people, especially when she's around. Smile a lot, be positive, but make her miss it, as if she may regret taking you for granted.

    People's feelings do change. It's possible she could like you later, becuase it happens all the time. But if not, oh well.

    • Wow, Amazing answer!

      I do feel like I am a rat, and she is a queen lol. I really feel like I have to apologize because I should have handled the situation better, but instead I was cold and distant.

      That's true, I have no idea what she was thinking but I wish she would just tell me, I am trying to be open with her and I feel sad she just slammed me down the one good opportunity we have to talk.

      I feel a little less angry and bitter now, so I will really try not to hold it against her... but I guess I have to wait and let things play out.

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    • @Lamismaluna

      My intuition said she did like me... Her eyes... Her laugh... Her actions... I could be wrong though... She was bored of her boyfriend, and he was a jerk to her too... and she met me... Liked me, but I ended up being her back up guy? I'm not sure...

      I wish I could have one honest heart to heart with her, but she doesn't seem like the type...

    • You should listen to your intuition more often i'd suggest. Eyes can't lie that's for sure. Please don't feel sorry about all of this. Be happy, strong and most of all take care of what's most important. I know it's hard and it feels awful trying to fix your broken heart little by little. What can you really do when this one person seems to be the only one to make life great and miserable at the same time. Trust me I know. I wish I knew the answer to it but all I can hope for you is really try to be happy regardless no matter what happens in life.

  • just go up to her and say what you need to say, dont ask if you can talk to her or she'll think you're gong to profess your undying love

    • While I kinda am... I want to confess that I had feelings so thats why I acted the way I did... but that's about it...

  • I can really relate to you. I hate bad experiences w guys that I liked that we couldn't even make it civil, I too wanted to be friends to to work circumtances. I think she is a bitch here cause even if she wouldn't want to be friends if she was just nice and clear about it she would help you move on... wich means she zero thinks about you and has zero compassion for you... nor she thinks how brave you had to be to do that. I don't know why people are like that and only think of themselves. Even if you want to clear the air and all if the other party doesn't want to, there is nothing you can do. I think you were very clear and you don't have to do nothign no more to further downgrade ysf. I suggest to keep cold and distant to her. Make peace in ysf that it's done, it's not easy, it will be hard, it would be easier being civil, but what can you do, try to be strong.

    • You might be right too... She isn't the best person in the world...

      When I asked her out, she should have told me about her relationship... instead she said maybe...

      Then continued flirting and talking to me... So I don't know...

      I want to put an end to it...

    • I've dealt w shit like that before
      I am not there in RL to see if it's really like that but it seems to me like that
      I think even if person rejects you they can be kind about it and then it's like okay, not hard feelings
      but when they treat you like this, not really kind and understanding, doesn't seem good
      It's like being dragged on
      usually that happens when they are attracted to you but either they don't want you for some reason or are unsure, either way, never to be proven good in my experience
      you don't deserve that shit, know that

  • That's a tough situation because you work it puts you in constant proximity. Even though your intentions were mature, you can't force her to listen to you. So the alternative would be to just drop it. However since you are in a professional setting, it's best that you focus on being professional with her. It sucks and it's difficult but you have to program yourself to taking an alternate route when dealing with her. Don't talk to her unless it's about work, if she talks to you about work, then keep it about work and only work. Maintain a work relationship and nothing more. You don't want to make your job more difficult by holding onto that animosity.

    People at my job piss me the fuck off all the time. I mean ALL the time and if they heard half the shit I vent to sympathetic ears they would see a whole new side of me. Instead I maintain as professional a demeanor as possible. I put my job first when dealing with people at work and it helps keep my focused on what the correct response so that my reaction is aimed at being professional over my emotional one which I would prefer.

    It takes time and sometimes I have to stew over it for a few hours before I come to the right decision, but honestly. For your case, considering what you two know about each other, you don't want things like sexual harassment and bullying to come up in your work record over a failed crush. It's not worth it in the long run.

    If you want you can quickly, but seriously (not in a whiny pathetic way, but a formal way), say something like "sorry for not helping you before. I shouldn't act like that." And then leave so she can mull it over and stew or whatever the hell she wants to do. You behaved professionally and if it comes up later, it makes you look better for taking the mature route.

    I also want to say I think it's very responsible and mature of you to know that your bitterness in the workplace isn't a healthy option for you and I'm proud you're trying to find a way to mend this situation.

    • No I did get over the anger and bitterness, I am polite to her at work... and she is nice to me too...

      We both know something is awkward... The eye contact we make while passing each other...

      It really sucks working with her, I'm stuck at this place and she isn't going anywhere either...

      Honestly, proximity is killer... seeing her everyday, seeing other guys talk and laugh with her... I got really jealous... but I'm a lot better now...

      I feel really bad for how I acted, and I want her to know it's because I had feelings and want to put an end to this...

      I don't like ignoring things... I want to have like one talk and then move on... I don't know she just wants to ignore it?

  • She has an image in her head of who you are now - the guy that liked her that made things awkward. Even though your intentions are good and you want to make things good between you again, she is cautious about giving you that time. I would not ask for some time to talk, I would just say that you're sorry how things have become between you and you never meant to make it awkward. Please can we be ok going forward? The ball is then in her court to play how she wants. Hopefully, she will be cordial about the whole thing and let sleeping dogs lie.

    • Yeah I should have just said what I needed to say... Instead of asking to talk...

      I really screwed everything up with her, it really sucks... So I just want us to be on good terms and I can't just ignore everything and she doesn't understand what happened either...

    • In that case, just say to her that you are sorry for the ways things are and can we clear the air so that we can be good and cordial work colleagues. If she shuts you down then you know she's immature and probably prefers icy atmospheres rather than making things good. She might be a girl who takes her time to work things through in her head and it could take 2 months (i. e. she's a slow burner who holds grudges until SHE decides it rights and then gives you the green light). A tricky one but not insurmountable. Just try one last time and then leave it if she doesn't respond positively. Good luck.

  • When you asked her if you could talk to her about something she probably figured you were gonna try to ask her out again and didn't want to deal with it.

    What you need to figure out is why you are so angry and bitter over the fact that one particular person isn't into you the way you wish she was. I get being sad or even a bit hurt by it, but angry? Why?

    • Yeah maybe, she didn't want to deal with my feelings or asking her out... But she just assumed it was that?

      I am feeling better now... I just felt bitter, because if she wanted to talk, or needed something I would do it for her... I supported her with work stuff, defended her, and went to a couple of her charity events just for her... I mean that is when we were friends...

      So me asking her for a couple mins to talk, and her saying she's busy, maybe next time...

      That really pissed me off because
      A) She is still indirect, didn't say no... She never is straight up with me...
      B) What I said before, I did things for her and she couldn't talk to me now?
      C) My fault, but she knows I'm shy, It took me a lot of confidence to know what to say and attempt to talk to her... and she shut me down... I don't know... It took a lot from me... I didn't think she would shut me down...

    • D) The timing... We both ended up walking out together, after work.. and usually there are more people but this day it just ended up being me and her...

      I was hoping for a chance to talk to her, and I figured this was it... Alone, after work, sunny day, no coworkers... But I don't know...

  • Give her space. If you want to make peace, do it quickly next time you guys talk. Something short and informal. "Hey, I just wanted to say I'm sorry about the past. And let's keep it there."

  • It is so obvious that she was not ready for any kind of peacemaking between the two of you. You pressed it and she reacted again. You are angry at yourself. You are no longer friends and the best thing you can do is to look in the mirror realize the anger is directed at yourself and then give the entire relationship time. And don't press it. I cannot calculate how all the girls feel but I know that personally the thing I hate is when guys won't give up. Whether I like them or not just the fact that they "press it" upsets me greatly. If they ever had a chance it was gone

    • I've given up the relationship, I didn't understand her "no's" I guess because I was stupid and in love so I didn't see it..

      Thats why I want to say sorry...

    • She's angry and ignoring me now

  • You need to grow up.

  • She doesn't want to lead you on or anything maybe. Best to move on and focus on your work.

  • Just forget about it and move forward. If that forward includes her, fine, but I wouldn't attempt to explain the past or talk to her about it either.

  • It's best to never bring such things up again. Just mind your own business for now.

  • Welp. Life sucks and then you pay taxes and die.

  • She probably feels the same way

    • Maybe she does, but I don't see her trying to fix things

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    • @Pacificblue62 *thumbs up*

    • Thanks. Likewise.

What Guys Said 4

  • Two words "need less". You don't need this girl. You want this girl but you don't need her. Want what you truly need. And wanting her, while it may not seem like it now, may not be in your best interest. Once you come to this realization you'll be happier. Life will go on without her. It's how you choose to move forward without her her that is key.

    • I know she's terrible, and we would make a terrible match but I love her... and getting over her is hard... I thought patching things up might help

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    • Gotta let things happen and don't overthink I...

    • The best advice is to move on from her and find someone new. I know it's very hard advice to hear I've heard it so many times and have hated it. Hated it. But usually continuing to go after/ have feelings for a girl who has unreciprocated feelings towards you leads nowhere good and she'll continue to feel awkward and be kind of mean. It's like beating your head up against a brick wall and keep buying into false hope. By the time you realize you were buying into false hope the whole time and it was a pointless obsession you'll want that time back. Cut ties as quickly as possible and save the pain find someone who has the return feelings.

  • Start by loving yourself, smile in the mirror at yourself. It helps with feeling good about yourself.

  • workout, listen to the music, go somehwere where you can be alone and contemplate nature and the beauty of life
    not kidding. used to be a total misanthrope long ago, it doesn't helps

    • I should focus on myself more I guess...

      But I kinda am... She was a huge issue in my life, and it's almost coming to an end...

      All I needed was to talk to her, but she didn't let me :(

    • had the same experience. you gotta work on yourself, that's the only thing to do

  • Stop being such a feminist...

    • What do you even mean?