How can I get over my relationship anxiety?

When ever I was with my clients I never had any anxiety when it came to "dating " them, because i guess I knew it was just for fun. Now since I have an actual boyfriend since my last ( three years now) I am completely tense. I'll admit that I've never really had good relationships with men from my dad, and then my first boyfriend who sexual assaulted me by raming his finger so hard in me when i didn't blow him that i screamed out in pain, then to a man who fucked a HIV person and didn't bother to tell me (I'm HIV negative) until we broke up, to my ex husband who left for a druggie and to my uncaring ex. The only guy who seemed to care was my ex lover, ok besides my ex husband. Anyway I really like this guy I'm seeing and we get along fine, the problem I have is that I feel really sick and start to overthink things that i have said and done to him ( normal things). I hate feeling like I need to bolt away from someone I care for just so I can be so alone. how can i fix this?


Most Helpful Guy

  • For starters get away from the notion that something has to be ‘fixed’. You aren’t doing anything wrong. Given what you have gone through I would be surprised if you weren’t having such anxiety when attempting to build a relationship with someone else other than those you’ve already had in the past.

    You have suffered and been abused and now you’re with someone you really like and you don’t want to sabotage what you’re feeling for him or what the two of you are building, and that’s perfectly nature to feel that way. So let’s start with the mindset that you’re not broken. You don’t need to be fixed. You just need to let the past go and focus on what’s right in front of you, instead.

    To do this, you need to understand that the past is the past. Whether you have made mistakes or not, or whether or not that any of what happened in your past relationships was your fault isn’t the point. The point is you should place your energy into the guy you’re with now and realize that part of the reason your relationship has problems is because you’re allowing your thoughts to drift to how you were treated before and that’s clouding your judgment in the here and now.

    Next is to not dwell on the issues of the past. Don’t even dwell on the mistakes you may have been making lately with the one you’re with now. You want to openly communicate to the guy you’re with that you do tend to re-live the past and if he doesn’t already know, tell him how you were mistreated and abused, and assaulted. You don’t want him to misunderstand your behavior, therefore, give him insight into why you sometimes act the way you do and in doing so he will be better prepared not to take it personally.


What Guys Said 1

What Girls Said 2

  • Go to a therapist... we can't help you... I GO TO A COUNSELOR 2x a week... it is great and unlike us... she has a lot of experience and can help you much more <3 Good luck!!

  • When we're with clients it's a business transaction, nothing more, nothing less. They pay us to provide a service for something we know we're good at, our confidence level is high and the anxiety is non existent.

    Your situation with your boyfriend has you out of your comfort zone, now it's more than just sex for fun and profit. We're confident about our ability to please men sexually but scared as hell of being able to please him emotionally as well. If I knew a guy was catching feelings for me it scared the hell out of me and I'd do something destructive and cause him to hate me thus ending any chance of a relationship.

    My suggestion would be to sit down and talk to him, explain that you have this anxiety. Let him know why you feel this anxiety, how things have gone down in the past which is causing the anxiety. Ask him to be patient and help you work through these things.